Frasier 2020 Episode 7: "Damage Control"

 

Frasier 7.0: "Damage Control"

"Cats and Dogs"

Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, reading a Russian edition of "Fifty Shades of Grey". Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and shook off her umbrella before tossing it in the bin by the door;

"Hey Frasier," Roz announced as she pulled up a chair across from him. "Ah Roz, how are you this fine day?" He inquired gleefully. "Frasier it's raining cats and dogs outside." Roz replied. "Really? I didn't see anything." Frasier said stunned as he sat up and tried peering through the cafe bay window. "Well believe me if I wasn't 'working' I would've stayed inside and ordered a 'documentary' on the Playgirl channel." Roz said dryly. "Well you know Roz, as the great philosopher Socrates once mused; 'rain is merely the teardrops of the gods blessing our victory into Versailles'..." "Can it Teddy Ruxpin!" Roz screeched as she applied bright red lip rouge. "So speaking of working, are we 'working' tonight as well?" Frasier wondered. "If by 'we' you mean ME then yes." Roz replied. "Ah I see..." Frasier said, "Your go-between wouldn't happen to be 'working' alongside you would he?" Frasier queried. "What are you talking about?" Roz replied annoyed. "You know, YOUR PIMP!" Frasier whispered loudly across the table. "I don't have a PIMP FRASIER!" Roz bellowed back, "And keep your voice down!" She added. "I thought dad was your go-between." Frasier whispered confused. "No, Marty was just helping me with something that's all." Roz responded. "Ah, so then that must mean that Billy is..." Frasier hesitated. "What...?!" Roz screeched annoyed. "Billy must be...your...dealer?" Frasier wondered. "Oh my god!" Roz shouted offended, "Billy is NOT my pimp OR my dealer FRASIER!" Roz screamed, "He happens to be my BOYFRIEND!" Roz yelled at full volume, causing some of the Cafe patrons to look at her. "Oh like this is the first public meltdown you've ever seen!" Roz replied flippantly to the patrons, who agreed and returned to whatever they were doing.

Just then the cafe door burst open and Niles Crane rushed in frantically, approached Frasier's table out of breath. "Niles, my God man what's wrong with you!?" Frasier bellowed concerned. "It's Maris!" Niles gasped, "She's on a hunger strike!" he added. "Ah well that should be easy for her," Frasier replied nonchalantly. "After all she eats like what a crumb a month?" "No this time it's different!" Niles exclaimed, "She's joined a 'foodie club'!" Niles continued. "She has new friends, people she calls 'big eaters' and they come over every day and grill hot dogs, hamburgers, microwaveable hot pockets, mini tacos, tacquitos, pizza rolls, bagel bites and corn dogs!" Niles blurted all in one gasp. "Mon dieu!" Frasier cried, "It's an epidemic!" He added. "I know...I know!" Niles said between breaths. "Well what are you going to do about it?" Frasier inquired. "Well, the smells of the various processed trash has caused me no end of violent seizures and gastroenteritis attacks," Niles explained. "Yes go on!" Frasier replied. "So ultimately I had no choice but to take out a deposit on a new apartment in the city!" Niles exclaimed. "That's ridiculous!" Roz blurted. "Oh hi Roz, I didn't see you there!" Niles replied. "Just call me the ‘Invisible Woman’!" Roz greeted sarcastically. "Roz, are you here with anyone or just on break from 'work'?" Niles wondered mockingly. "I'm waiting for Billy to pick me up." Roz replied. "Ah so nice of one's pimp to provide chauffeur service." Niles chimed. "He is NOT my PIMP!" Roz screamed. "Oh I’m so terribly sorry Roz, I meant dealer." Niles corrected. "Jesus CHRIST!" Roz yelled as she gathered her things and stomped off, "Roz it's practically a deluge out there!" Frasier warned. "I'll take my chances!" Roz hollered back before storming out the door. "Let her go Frasier, a hooker can't be expected to call in every time it gets a little rainy." Niles declared. "Yes, yes of course you're right." Frasier agreed.

Later that day Frasier lounged on his sofa, again reading the Russian translation of "Fifty Shades of Grey", while holding a glass of sherry. There suddenly was a loud and brisk series of knocks at the door, prompting Frasier to rise from his seat and examine his watch with confusion;

"Hell’s bells I'm not expecting anyone." Frasier said aloud. The loud series of brisk knocks rang again as Frasier placed the book and glass of sherry on the coffee table and skipped over to the threshold to answer the door. He gripped the doorknob and pulled back the door revealing station manager Kate Costas on the other side;

"Why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier groaned. "Nice to see you too Frasier," Kate replied, pushing past Frasier. "Well as you know KATE, I have recently been unemployed and have been forced to scour the garbage cans and dumpsters of Seattle just to make ends meet!" Frasier complained. "Well I came here with the intention of getting your job back, but if you're going to be moody about it..." Kate responded turning and walking toward the door. "W-wait Kate let's not be hasty!" Frasier panicked as he ran to slam shut the door, grabbing Kate by the shoulders and ushered her onto the replica Coco Chanel sofa. "Sherry?" Frasier offered, holding up the bottle. Kate shook her head, "I'm driving." She replied. "Ah of course!" Frasier replied. "Let's cut the formalities and just get down to business." Kate suggested as she approached the dining table and placed her coral-colored clutch purse down. "Well what did you have in mind, Katelyn?" Frasier queried. "It's Kate." she corrected. "Sorry Katie." Frasier apologized, "JUST KATE!" she screamed, causing Frasier to stumble and fall backwards onto his sofa. "As you know the station has been down for weeks..." Kate explained, "The only channels allowed on air are the Spanish-language ones." she added. "That would explain all of the late night salsa lessons." Frasier quipped to himself. "The station owner has reached out to a new insurance company and they've agreed to help us." Kate explained, "That's excellent news!" Frasier proclaimed happily. "But!" Kate interjected, "B-but...?" Frasier hesitated. "In order for us to get our programs back up and running again, we need to show them that we're serious about our image and that we've learned from our past mistakes." Kate added. "Ah I understand, I think I see where you're going with this." Frasier replied, "You're speaking of some sort of 'damage control' correct?" Frasier assumed, causing Kate to wink and make a gun with her fingers and point at him, "Boy you sure are bright Frasier!" Kate replied sarcastically. "We NEED to improve our image if we're ever going to be taken seriously again, which is why I hired a specialist who will be working with us for the rest of the week." Kate explained as she retrieved her cell phone and scrolled through her texts.

Then suddenly there was a loud, sharp bang at the door, causing Frasier's already pale face to grow whiter as he looked over to it with a sickened expression and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He braced himself before opening the door, revealing a middle-aged woman with bright red hair in a bob-cut perm, in a fire-red business pantsuit;

"Frasier!" the woman excitedly chirped, "MY GOD IT'S BEBE!" Frasier cried as he desperately tried closing the door on her. Kate interrupted and forced open the door, "Frasier THIS is our specialist." She explained. "Oh...oh I see." Frasier said nervously. "Frasier darling it's been ages, how have you been?" Bebe Glazer inquired as she stepped into the apartment and kissed Frasier on both cheeks. Suddenly Mr. Bottomsley, Frasier's gray British Short-Hair cat, hissed and arched his back up before he jumped off of the sofa and scampering down the hall. "I get that reaction a lot." Bebe noted. "Along with the moon turning red, the sky blackening, the seas drying up..." Frasier added. "Enough!" Kate interjected, "We need to get down to brass tacks or we can kiss our business goodbye!" Frasier thought for a moment before speaking, "Wait a minute..." He started, "Why come to me instead of the hundred or so other KACL employees?" Frasier queried. Kate shrugged and tilted her head, "I don't know..." She lied, "Probably because you're the easiest to manipulate?" She added. "No, there is more plot to this play than the narrator has revealed!" Frasier announced dramatically. Kate and Bebe froze and just exchanged unsure glances at one another, before Bebe spoke up;

"Frasier darling it's not that you're easy to manipulate, it's that Kate knows star-quality when she sees it, she's just too prideful to admit it." Bebe explained, "Isn't that right Kate?" Bebe asked with a wink. "Yea. Sure. Whatever." Kate replied bored. "So Frasier dear, this is what will happen that is IF and only IF you agree with our terms and conditions." Bebe said, "T-terms...w-what terms?" Frasier asked concerned. "Oh it's nothing really, just some technical mumbo-jumbo that a star like you needn't concern himself with. Let the egghead temps read it for you, that's what they're getting paid for isn't it?!" Bebe suggested. "Temps don't get paid though..." Frasier interjected. "Ah well, see more money for you Frasier dear!" Bebe announced cheerfully, giving an "ok" sign with her thumb and fingers to Kate, who sarcastically returned the gesture. "Well what do you say Frasier darling, are you ready to get back out there and make mega millions?!" Bebe asked with an insincere smile. "We never said millions." Kate interrupted, "We have to clarify that for legal reasons." "Well you never know Kate dear, he might...?" Bebe replied, "Just look at that face; listen to that voice just booming with star power!" she exclaimed, causing Frasier's already inflated head to grow even larger.
"I'll do it!" Frasier announced. "Grand, just grand!” Bebe cheered, “Just sign on the dotted line here!" Bebe added, pulling out an ancient looking piece of parchment paper that rolled down to the ground, and unfurled across the floor for at least a yard. "Is that an...?" Frasier pondered aloud, "An elder scroll?" Bebe interrupted, "A contract?" Frasier added. "Oh it's just your standard talent contract, all of the big names have them; Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr, Ryan Reynolds..." Bebe explained, "Of course not Mel Gibson, no he unfortunately sold his soul to God before we could get to him!" Bebe cursed angrily. "WHAT!?" Frasier cried scared, looking up from his contract. "Oh nothing dear, just a little agent's joke you know how it is!" Bebe said with a nervous laugh. "No Bebe I don't believe that I am fully acquainted with the dogma of the Hollywood elite." Frasier replied rudely, "Well you will be!" Bebe muttered under her breath. "What was that!?" Frasier questioned panicked, "N-nothing dear just put your John Hancock on the lines, and we can move on to the really fun part!" Bebe announced with an almost evil grin. "Here..." Frasier droned dryly as he suspiciously handed off the contract to Bebe, "Excellent dear!" Bebe exclaimed happily, "As you know this contract means that the network owns your soul until the year thirty forty-five!" Bebe said all at once in one breath hurriedly. "WHAT!?" Frasier screamed alarmed, "Nothing, nothing to be alarmed about darling, trust me!" Bebe lied. "I believe that's what the serpent said to Adam and Eve before they were cast down from Eden!" Frasier replied angrily.

Later that night Frasier, Bebe and Kate stood within a network-owned film studio where Frasier sat in a director's chair with hair and makeup people pampering and powdering him while Bebe screamed at a client over the phone;

"Well why can't you make it Michael? Let's hear it!?" Bebe cried over the phone, "Well YOU'RE USELESS MICHAEL!" Bebe screamed in hysterics, "USELESS!" Before hanging up the call and recomposing herself, "Ah Frasier darling you look amazing, simply amazing!" She lied. "Thank you Bebe." Frasier replied. "The camera is simply going to eat you up!" Bebe said with a giggle. "The...cameras aren't carnivorous here are they? They don't eat people...right?" Frasier panicked as he sunk into his seat and sneakily looked around the corner. "You have nothing to fear darling, everything's been taken care of all you need to do is just read from this script." Bebe said as she retrieved a typed manuscript from out of her purse. "MY GOD!" Frasier protested, "What is this 'Moby Dick'!?" He cried. "It's your only chance to get off the welfare bus so don't screw it up!" Kate screeched annoyed, causing Frasier to sweat profusely and cry a little.

Just then an extremely fat man dressed like a mime; wearing a black and white striped suit and a French beret entered the studio and approached Frasier. "Who is this?!" The fat man bellowed. "This is Doctor Frasier Crane," Bebe announced, "He's the star talent of KACL and will be headlining our little production here." She added. "Then why is he sitting on MY SEAT!?" The fat man screamed into Frasier's face, causing him to jump out of the seat and dart behind Kate Costas. "Frasier, Kate this is Guillermo del Toro, he will be directing our little commercial this evening." Bebe declared. "G-Guillermo del Toro?!" Frasier muttered helplessly, "Y-your work is an art form!" he exclaimed. "Thank you." the director replied. "I've seen everything from Pan's Labyrinth to The Shape of Water, and I must say I loved them all!" Frasier droned one. "Why is this thing still chirping at me?" The director moaned to Bebe, who took Frasier by the arm. guiding him to his dressing room.

Meanwhile Martin sat at his ratty recliner watching a show about compulsive liars when Daphne Moon trudged in carrying a load of laundry;

"Oi Mister Crane!" She screeched, "What is it Daphne I'm in the middle of one of my programs!?" "I've been doing the laundry of this entire flat and I've consistently been running out of panties!" Martin shifted his eyes rapidly before shrugging, "I don't know why you're coming to me? I don't go messing around in your room!" Martin replied. "Aye and I suppose my knickers just magically grew legs and ran off to get married?" Daphne hissed sarcastically. "Well you never know!" Martin exclaimed. "Well no bother, it's not like it'd be the first time something like this happened to a woman in the ‘moon family’." Daphne explained, "My Grammy Moon once had an entire collection of crushed velvet underwear, all from before the war." Daphne added, "Which war?" Martin inquired. "Oh they're all the same." Daphne replied, to Martin's chagrin. "Anyway, she would never go to sleep without first having nailed her knickers down in place." Daphne stated. "What? That's ludicrous!" Martin cried doubtfully. "No it's true!" Daphne insisted, "And every full-moon the knickers would be found to have 'mysteriously vanished' as the official report from Scotland Yard put it." Daphne continued, "Almost seventy years later and no one's seen a head or tail of those panties!" Daphne explained. "It's a mystery." Martin droned sarcastically as he returned to watching his program, "Well if it keeps on happening here I'm gonna have to ring the Vicar up and have this place exorcised!" Daphne declared, "There's no way I'm tending to my knickers in a 'demon-possessed' flat!" She added before storming off back to her bedroom.

Later that night Frasier sat at a desk before a crew of stagehands, buffers, camera technicians and of course the extremely obese director; 'Guillermo del Toro'. The fat director reached into a box of donuts and gobbled down three before chugging back an entire 7-11 Big Gulp; "Now Doctor Crane we need to see more emotion, MORE EMOTION!" the director screamed through his megaphone. "B-but senior del Toro I was just thinking that maybe, perhaps I could..." Frasier explained before the fat director yanked himself up and out of his folding chair, and waddled over onto the set where Frasier was and screamed; "NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS UNLESS THOSE CAMERAS ARE ROLLING!" before promptly turning around, and plopping back into his folding chair. Frasier sat looking frantic and upset and considered running away, before Kate Costas walked by the director and made a "throat slit" gesture across her neck with her finger, while motioning to Frasier. "ACTION!" screamed the fat director as he struggled to reach a bag of Cheetoes by his feet.

Five hours and thirty-six minutes later, the set crew wrapped up filming and the director flippantly left the studio without speaking a word to anyone. "Is that it, are we done?" Frasier wondered panicked, "Relax Frasier dear you're work here is finished." Bebe assured, "However my job of demanding that you receive a full cut of the pay, is just beginning." Bebe said as she excused herself to scream at someone on her cell phone. Kate saw Frasier and approached him, "Not bad Frasier, not bad." She said patting him on the shoulder. "So that's it, we've got our jobs back?" He wondered. "No not yet, we still have to wait to hear back from the studio owner but my instinct tells me it's a 'shoe-in'." Kate replied happily. "Oh Kate, I've never been so happy to work overtime!" Frasier exclaimed with a euphoric look plastered onto his clammy face. "Frasier are you feeling well?" Kate asked, clasping Frasier's chin in her hand as she turned his head to the side, "You're extremely pale and clammy to boot." She explained. "I feel fine; in fact I feel the best I've felt since...since I dumped that hack Diane back in eighty-three!" Frasier declared. "My god Frasier, you're burning up you have a fever!" Kate exclaimed. "Oh don't be ridiculous!" Frasier replied, "You have a fever!" He parroted before collapsing onto the catering table, out cold.

Just then Bebe came scurrying into the set and noticed Frasier on the ground, "Is that my latest star!?" She panicked, "He better not be dead, he's not insured yet!" She screamed. "He's been working with a fever and collapsed." Kate explained, kneeling at Frasier's side. "Oh..." Bebe replied, "Well then nothing to panic over." Bebe added. "I'll just flag down some paramedics." Bebe said as she walked away screaming at random people in the studio.

Later Frasier woke up in the hospital hooked up to an intravenous drip and a heart monitoring machine, with tubes up his nose. The door opened and in came Niles, "Frasier you're awake!" He chattered gleefully. "Yes...yes Niles I appear to be most awake." Frasier groaned, "A-and...what on earth are these contraptions...I seem to be conjoined to...?" Frasier mentioned as he tugged at his tubes, "MY GOD THEY MADE ME INTO SOME KIND OF CYBORG!" Frasier screamed, "WHY?! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LET ME DIE!?" Frasier screamed again as Niles watched on unimpressed. "You know you could almost be a dead-ringer for Maris if it weren't for all of the weight and emotion." He explained. "Ah yes, I suppose I should lay still as a rock while refunding last night's supper!" Frasier growled. "Yes that's the spirit!" Niles agreed happily. "Niles what do you want, I'm in a lot of pain and I don't have time to solve all of your problems for you." Frasier groaned. "Well as it happens, I managed to get all of my belongings moved into my new place!" Niles announced enthusiastically. "New place? Niles; are you telling me that you're STILL letting all of those fatties run the show?!" Frasier queried. "It's Maris, she says that since she joined this 'big eaters' group that she's lost well over sixty pounds!" Niles explained. "My god, with that much weight loss she must be one-dimensional by now!" Frasier realized. "Oh yes quite so; whenever she turns to a side she completely vanishes from sight." Niles explained, "Of course now we have to maintain a constant vigil on things like open windows, air ducts, and sewage drains." Niles added. "I thought she was already weary of all that." Frasier replied, "Oh she was, except now she can easily fall under a door crack or slip through a keyhole." Niles said. "Oh enough Niles!" Frasier groaned, "I need to think of other things besides your neurotic wife!" Frasier grumbled. "Well mister grumpy pants, I was going to invite you over to the 'Montana' for my housewarming but I may as well rescind the offer." Niles said flatly. "The Montana?" Frasier reiterated. "Yes it's what we call my flat...or suite...or building, I'm not sure but we call it that." Niles explained. "Look Niles I would be more than happy to come over and celebrate with you, but I just need time." Frasier replied. "Oh yes of course, the way I hear it you dove face-first into the chocolate cake and nearly suffocated then and there." Niles stated. "I had a fever, I was delirious." Frasier growled. "Oh of course, of course," Niles agreed with a wink.

Just then the room door flung open and Kate Costas peered in, "Is it safe for me to come in?" She inquired. "Ah yes Kate of course!" Frasier exclaimed perking up. "N-Niles you remember Kate Costas, our studio manager and my boss." Frasier explained. "Funny I always pictured you wielding a riding crop." Niles stated. "That's funny because I always picture you being whipped by one." Kate retorted, folding her arms. "Well it's been fun Frasier, gotta go!" Niles exclaimed nervously before popping through the door. "Kate what brings you here, surely it wasn't just to check up on me?" Frasier wondered. "Well no, actually I came to bring you the good news." Kate replied, "Good news? Oh so we've got our jobs back at KACL!?" Frasier queried happily, "That AND the owner managed to pull some strings and got the commercial to air tonight, in fact it should be on right about now." Kate said as she took the hospital television remote, turned on the T.V. And changed the channel to 5 News. "Oh here it is, it's coming on!" Kate exclaimed happily, then a commercial jingle began playing as Frasier's voice spoke in the foreground with the picture displaying only his hands that were gesturing and were digitized to look like a male and female cartoon gopher using Computer Generated Graphics. At the end of the commercial the two gophers kissed, and the screen blacked out. "Well what do you think?" Kate asked Frasier, turning to face him only to see him laying deathly still with a look of utter shock plastered on his face. "Frasier, FRASIER!" she hollered. "T-ten hours...it took...t-ten hours...and...this...is the...result?" Frasier muttered in a broken way. "You don't like it?" Kate asked. "I've been reduced...to a CGI squirrel." Frasier stated, "It's a gopher actually." Kate corrected. "Ah yes of course, it's always gophers isn't it!" Frasier groaned angrily.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier sitting at home on his sofa with the television set turned on and the commercial playing. Frasier looks up from his book and glares at the screen, he stands up puts the book on the coffee table, and wheels the fifty-five inch flat screen up and over to the sliding glass door, out onto and over the balcony where he then rubs his hands together and returns to reading his book with triumphant smirk on his face.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 NEXT Episode 8: "Frasier Crane Day"