Frasier 6.0: "Confessions of a 40-Something, Single White Male Drama Queen"
"She Is Serious"
Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, stirring his macchiato with nutmeg and casually read a BDSM magazine that he stole from the Seattle Library. Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and placed an order at the counter;
"And don't screw it up this time!" She threatened, slightly opening up her jacket to reveal a knife. She saw Frasier, walked over and took a seat next to him. "Catching up on your reading?" Roz asked sarcastically. "Oh this, I just got it from the kiosk at the library." Frasier admitted. "You mean you stole it." Roz corrected. "Well those magazines are just left there for the people who can't check out actual books." Frasier explained. "I don't think that's how it works." Roz replied, applying a layer of smoky gray eye shadow to her eyelids. "Going out tonight?" Frasier inquired. "Yea, Billy and I are going to a Bruce Springsteen look-A-like contest." Roz replied. "Oh is Billy competing?" Frasier asked excited. "No, we're just going to watch other people dress up as and sing like Bruce Springsteen, it's pretty fun." Roz explained. "Oh...I see." Frasier replied disappointed. "H-how is William anyway?" He queried. "He's fine Frasier," Roz answered. "D-did he get my messages?" Frasier asked worried. "Yes Frasier he got them all; all six-hundred of them." Frasier sulked in his seat causing Roz to notice, "Frasier what's wrong?" "I was just..." "You wanted to know if Billy could hang with you today?" Roz asked semi-mockingly. "Well...maybe?" Frasier said with a blush. "My god Frasier, do you have a crush on him or what!?" Roz accused. "What?! I. DO. NOT!" Frasier denied. "I find the very notion of male-male homosexual attraction to be preposterous!" Frasier lied, offending a very openly gay couple who stopped holding hands and rushed out of the cafe crying and praying to Rupaul. "Frasier I understand," Roz stated. "Y-you do...?" Frasier asked surprised. "Yea, like he's cool and mysterious and sexy, what's NOT to like?" Roz explained, while Frasier nodded along in agreement. "And it's not like you have any friends of your own, so you cling to Billy." Roz added. "I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Frasier replied angrily, "I will have you know madam that I have many friends!" Frasier lied again. "Well let's see you have me, and maybe Bulldog and Noel but they're more like co-workers so they don't count." Roz explained. "I have other friends Roz." Frasier declared before taking a sip of his macchiato. "Name three, and don't say your brother, father or maid." Roz insisted, "They don't count." Frasier shifted in his seat and quickly tried thinking of people he knew he was close to, who were not related to him. "Frank Bellevaqua!" Frasier blurted out, "Who?" Roz queried. "Frank Bellevaqua, very successful back East." Frasier said. "Big name in silt!" He added. "That name does sound familiar..." Roz admitted as she muttered the name to herself under her breath, "See...?" Frasier teased.
Niles burst through the door of Cafe Nervosa and clamored over to his brother's table;
"Frasier thank GOD I found you!" Niles screamed. "Niles, get a-hold of yourself man!" Frasier recited. "I can't!" Niles responded, "It's Maris...!" "Ah there we have it, what sort of crazy escapades has she got you going on now?!" Frasier questioned annoyed. "It's the eighties." Niles replied, wiping sweat from his forehead. "The eighties?" Frasier reiterated confused. "Yes, she's recently become obsessed with collecting memorabilia from the nineteen-eighties, and has been running me everywhere collecting everything!" Niles complained. "Niles, can you please be more specific!" Frasier groaned. "She wants wristbands, headbands, leg warmers, Popples, Cabbage Patch Kids, moccasins, key-chains, pompoms, glitter, fairies, pre-scientology Tom Cruise, Betamax...EVERYTHING!" Niles screamed. "God Niles why don't you just use eBay like the rest of us?" Roz chided, Niles' head turned to look at her; "Oh hi Roz, didn't see you there." "I forgot to turn off my cloaking device, simple mistake." Roz replied sarcastically. "Or are you on the clock, in which case get back to work 'Sheila'!" Niles shouted across the table. "N-now Niles you need to relax, this is just another of Maris' fly-by-night fads, it'll blow over by tomorrow." Frasier explained. "No Frasier I don't think you understand!" Niles muttered, "She's discovered 'Olivia Newton John'!" Niles cried. "Mon dieu!" Frasier gasped, "She IS serious!" Frasier realized. "What am I going to do?" Niles sobbed. "I'll tell you what you're going to do; WE are going to hit every public library computer and bid on every eighties auction we can find!" Frasier declared, rising to his feet. "Good luck." Roz said dryly, as she applied mascara to her eyelashes.
Meanwhile at the Crane house in Elliott-Bay Towers condo, Daphne Moon finished up vacuuming the carpet when Martin hobbled out from the bathroom;
"Ah there you are!" Daphne exclaimed, "Oh hi Daphne, I was just taking my two O'clock constitutional, it's a daily thing." Martin exclaimed as he approached his chair and sat down. "Yes very convenient that you need to use the loo each time the subject of housework comes up." Daphne replied. "Well Daphne you know I have a fallen sacroiliac." Martin confessed. "I thought the doctor said it was a hernia?" Daphne questioned, "Well either way I'm in far too much pain to do any work." Martin said as he faked feeling back pain. "You're a crafty old sod," Daphne said. "But one of these days you're gonna slip up and I'm gonna catch you right as rain." She declared before storming off into her bedroom. "I hope it's not too late to have her deported." Martin wondered to himself as he settled on a “documentary” to watch.
Later Frasier helped Niles with loading several boxes of Pobbles, Lite Brites, and E.T. The game for Atari into a moving van, before sliding shut the shutter door and slapping the side of the van twice, alerting the movers to drive;
"Frasier, I thought we would NEVER finish." Niles said exasperated. "Well Niles, thanks to my vast network of Star Wars aficionados and human traffickers I do believe I narrowed down every last bit of what Maris wanted." Frasier proclaimed proudly. "Yes, I think you did Frasier, and all for my Maris!" Niles cheered happily. "Just remember Niles; I did this for YOU not her." Frasier mentioned sharply. "Yes of course!" Niles agreed, walking away only to trip over something and fall face down on the road. "Oh Niles do watch where you're walking!" Frasier chided before looking down and noticing the object was a brown, leather bound book. "What have we here?" Frasier asked aloud. "Looks like we missed one!" Niles said as he took the book and tried flagging down the moving truck. "Give me that at once!" Frasier yelled as he yanked the book back from Niles, "Don't you see this belongs to us!" Frasier noted. "I don't get your meaning but go on." Niles interjected. "This book was our mother's; a photo album and the only tangible proof that mom actually liked anything other than murder-suicide stories." Frasier explained. "Ah mom always did love those; she'd call them 'happy endings'." Niles remembered fondly. "So what should we do?" Niles queried. "How about we head back to my place, pop open a bottle of Sherry, send dad out with the help and indulge in a night's worth of childhood-scarring memories?" Frasier invited with a suggestive wink. "Frasier, I will cancel all of my night's plans!" Niles declared. "I thought you were just going to be with Maris tonight?" Frasier wondered. "Oh I was, but dealing with her IS a full night's job." Niles responded as he pulled out his cell phone, "Hello Maris dear!" He cooed into the phone. "I'm sorry to say that my work obligations will keep me from our prior engagement." he added. "Oh you already got the truck load of eighties stuff?" He questioned, "All six of them?" he continued, "Ah and you're sure you...because really I could...alright have a fun night dear." Niles said hanging up. "No trouble canceling on Maris?" Frasier inquired. "No actually she is so engrossed with her speak and spell that she has zero time left to dedicate to her earlier commitments." Niles explained. "Who'd a thought?" Frasier mused whimsically. "I know! Maris can barely tolerate speaking out commands to 'Alexa', much less typing them in herself; of course she found it terribly amusing to type in naughty words and have the A.I. Speak them back to her." Niles added. "Oh I'll bet!" Frasier replied. "Yes she was so amused by it that she canceled her entire schedule for the month, just locked herself away, typing in vulgarity after vulgarity and waiting for Alexa to read them back to her." Niles said somewhat forlorn. "Okay Niles, let's go." Frasier insisted as he directed his brother back to the car.
Later that night after pouring themselves a glass of sherry and getting comfortable on the couch, Niles and Frasier began sifting through the ancient leather bound photo album entitled; "Crane Family Memories."
"It's amazing you know." Niles blurted as he sipped his wine, "What's that Niles?" Frasier queried. "In all of the years since mom died, I don't recall us ever reflecting on any of our familial memories." Niles explained. "Well Niles, you know what mom and dad would often say to us; 'there's no harm in suppressing your emotions'." Frasier replied as he stirred his sherry with a swizzle stick. "Which of course we all know has been scientifically and academically proven to be harmful to the psyche of the blossoming youth." Niles interjected. "Aha look at this one!" Frasier cried as he showed Niles a photo of themselves as kids investigating a fake crime scene in sepia tone. "Aw I remember this!" Niles cheered emotionally, "This was the time when our nanny was playing detective with us, she did such a good job at faking a heart-attack." Niles remembered fondly. "Yes, she was so in-character that she never returned to work after that." Frasier added. "In the professional wrestling world they call that kind of dedication 'kayfabe'." Niles mused before drinking his sherry. "Oh and what about this one!" Niles cried as he pointed to a black and white photo of himself and Frasier as toddlers, wearing wigs, makeup and sequin dresses. "Oh yes that was quite a fun 'bring your daughter to work day'!" Frasier exclaimed happily. "It was so inclusive of mom to bend the rules a bit in order to get us involved." Niles quipped before refilling his glass of sherry. "Ah yes every year mom would dress us up and bring us to work for a day, of course by our twenties it started to become awkward." Frasier reminisced. "Well that would explain why Aunt Lois continues to send me 'happy transgender awareness day' cards every year." Niles explained.
Frasier stood up and walked over to the fifty-inch flat screen television entertainment set up;
"You know Niles, I am reminded of a tape we had." Frasier noted, causing Niles to furrowing his eyebrows and look away in disgust. "No not THAT tape." Frasier assured, "I had that thing erased, shredded, burned, smashed, and blasted into orbit!" Frasied added. "Well good, it was an evil, evil tape!" Niles cried. "It was as bad as the cursed tape from 'the Ring'." he added. "And that was only your wedding tape." Frasier noted. "The honeymoon was by far worse." Niles proclaimed, "Fortunately no footage of the event actually exists, except maybe on the dark web." Niles replied. "Aha!" Frasier cried triumphantly as he retrieved a dusty black VHS tape from under the entertainment set. "What is even is that Frasier?" Niles wondered. "This my dear Watson, is some of our fondest memories recorded on digital." Frasier explained. "Well pop it in man, let's see what's on it!" Niles prodded excitedly.
Frasier took the black VHS tape and blew off all of the dust before popping it into the VCR;
"Ah there we are!" Frasier giggled happily as he took the remote and pressed the play button. The television screen flickered before displaying a man and a woman in old-fashioned clothing sitting around a crackling fire; the woman knitting, while the man read a newspaper.
"Look how young mom and dad look!" Niles blurted with a laugh. "Yes, it's true what they say Niles; 'people weren't as ugly back then'." Frasier replied. Just then the scene flashed forward to show Niles and Frasier reenacting a scene from "Annie Get Your Gun", at the church choir. "Ah I remember that performance." Frasier remembered fondly. "Yes, the archdiocese proclaimed it was the best all-male performance of 'Annie get your gun' he'd ever seen." Niles responded.
The old VHS tape recording then showed Niles & Frasier's mother, Hester making muffins in the kitchen while the cameraman (Martin) reached up behind her and grabbed her ass, causing her to shriek in surprise and whip around and fire off a glock. Frasier and Niles both laughed hysterically at the scene, before the footage shifted to the backyard where a pre-teen Niles & Frasier were coaxed into fighting each other, while rough-looking men stood at the sidelines making bets and hollering obscenities. "Do you remember when this happened?" Niles wondered. "Oh I think it was when mom and dad were marketing those 'boy fights' movies on VHS, was about the time we entered middle-school." Frasier replied. "I always wondered why they would try goading us into fist-fighting." Niles queried. "It was meant to toughen us up." Frasier replied flatly. "Well they missed the mark on that one." Niles answered back sharply.
Meanwhile at the Seattle mall of America, Daphne walked Martin and Eddie around the top floor, avoiding many of the elderly and handicapped mall patrons, as Martin clomped along carelessly with his walker;
"You sure are nimble for a man with a what was it, 'slipped sacroiliac'!" Daphne exclaimed suspicious. "You heard the specialist, he said I needed to get my one hour of cardio a day." Martin replied nonchalantly, "And besides I can't be bothered to do any of that 'new age crap', I tried yoga once and wound up in a reverse sixty-nine position with another guy." Martin explained. "Oh I don't know," Daphne started. "I think putting your body through the ringer is good for ya once in a while." She said. "Well not for me, I already have a slipped disk." "Sacroiliac!" Daphne corrected, "Whatever!" Martin shrugged annoyed. "Anyway my grammy Moon would always stay active, even into her late eighties." Daphne explained. "That seems kind of extreme for someone of her advanced age." Martin replied shocked. "Oh not at all, she loved it!" Daphne exclaimed whimsically, "In fact she came in number two in cat curling." She added. "Only number two?" Martin quipped. "Aye she would've taken the gold 'cept the bobbies came and dragged her off to the nut farm." Daphne explained. "Just as well actually, the neighbors tend to take it personally when you go 'round hurling their cats for recreational sport." Daphne continued, causing Martin to shudder in horror as he trudged along yanking Eddie along with him.
"Goofy Gophers"
Just then the footage was overwritten by an old cartoon featuring two gophers who acted very effete and extremely polite towards one another, while stealing a farmer's crops. "What in the blue blazes is this?" Frasier demanded angrily. "It appears to be an animated short of some sort." Niles pointed out. "Oh really genius, I hadn't noticed!" Frasier blurted meanly. "Looks like an old 'Bob Clampett', probably from the late forties or early fifties." Niles explained. "Well why on earth is this childish drivel recorded over our precious memories!?" Frasier groaned annoyed. "Wait a minute!" Niles hollered as he thumbed through the leather bound photo album, "I recognize those two!" He added. "Well good for you mister Disney!" Frasier said rudely. "Those are 'Mac' and 'Tosh', the 'Goofy Gophers'!" Niles explained as he showed Frasier a page in the photo book that clearly displayed a cut out of the gophers with Niles and Frasier's names overwritten on them. "What in the wild blue hell is this!?" Frasier questioned almost panicked. "And out birth certificates clearly show were originally going to be called 'Mac Frasier' and 'Tosh Niles Crane'." Niles explained further. "What on earth, why would mom or dad for that matter allow this?!" Frasier exclaimed. "They were probably fans of the cartoon, and chose our names as sort of a 'monument' to their shared fondness of their favorite show?" Niles rationalized.
Just then the door burst open and in hobbled Martin, followed by Eddie and Daphne who carried a dozen boxes and bags from various shopping centers. "Y'know I could bloody well use some 'alp over here old man!" Daphne groaned as she struggled to lift everything into the apartment. "Can't help; hernia. Doctor's orders," Martin brushed off as he ambled over to the fridge and retrieved a six pack of beer and reclined on his lazy boy chair.
"What's this you boys are watching?" Martin questioned. "Oh dad, it's an old family recording Niles and I were just analyzing." Frasier replied. "Oh, well if you're finished could you change the channel and then skedaddle, my nature 'documentary' is coming on." Martin asked while readying his box of tissues and economy sized bottle of lotion. "Wait dad, do you remember those two cartoon gophers from years ago?" Frasier wondered. "You know the very effete, overly polite ones." Niles added. "Those!?" Martin queried as he used his glasses to study the television screen harder. "Oh yea, your mom and I really got a kick out of those characters." Martin explained. "Oh so they were just your favorite cartoons then?" Frasier questioned hopeful. "My favorite?" Martin replied, "Nah I HATE cartoons!" Martin hissed angrily. "WHAT!?" Niles and Frasier replied shocked in unison. "They're a waste of time!" Martin groaned annoyed, "Diversionary tactics set up by the commies over in 'Mother Russia'!" Martin screeched. "B-but dad our names, in the book!" Frasier cried sadly. "What about 'em?!" Martin grumbled. "Th-they're the same names as those two cartoon gophers!" Frasier added. "What?!" Martin shrieked confused as he veered his head around to study the leather bound photo album that Frasier held up. "Your mother and I detested cartoons Fraze, you should know that!" Martin said. "But why were our names the same as the two gophers!?" Niles interjected curiously. "Because they cracked us up how similar you two were to those two cartoon fairies!" Martin croaked with an evil laugh. "W-what, y-you did!?" Frasier and Niles sniveled. "Yea, your mom always had a keen eye for these sorts of things and when she realized how much alike you two were to those two gophers we just had to rush you to the hospital and have your names changed!" Martin explained. "A-are you serious!?" Niles cried upset. "R-really now dad, this is a cruel jest!" Frasier added. "It's no joke, we'd see you kids sitting around acting and talking all 'fancypants' and 'prim and proper' and it would just kill us inside, literally KILL us!" Martin explained. "So whenever we saw you acting y'know, like 'YOU' we'd just point and say; 'look at those goofy gophers'!" Martin continued. "Mon dieu!" Frasier shrieked. "The humanity!" Niles cried. "See? The way you 'Mary's' are acting is precisely the reason why your mother did what she did." Martin noted coldly before cracking open a beer. "Y-you say it was all mom's idea?" Frasier queried. "Yea like I said she had a real keen eye for these little details." Martin replied. "Like I always thought you two were just gay, and that a few trips to the 'Brigham Young University' psychoanalyst's office would fix it up, but your mom knew better!" Martin exclaimed. "She was the real thinker in this family and she could see all of those little quirks and idiosyncrasies that made up the man behind the mask." Martin explained. "God I miss that woman!" Martin sobbed as he reached for a pretzel. "Oh if only it had been you two instead of her!" Martin cried as he pounded the arm of his chair angrily with his fist. "Dad, I'm so sorry I had no idea this would resurrect such emotional trauma!" Niles cried. "Yes please Dad, we're sorry!" Frasier moaned. "Well what's done is done!" Martin acknowledged before taking the remote and changing the channel, "Now both of you shush, 'My one-thousand pound life' is coming on!" Martin demanded. Frasier and Niles just stared blankly; shocked and traumatized at each other, before rising to their feet, grabbing their coats and slipping out of the apartment.
(End Credits roll, shows old recorded footage of Hester and Martin Crane watching a goofy gophers cartoon and laughing hysterically as they watched Niles and Frasier playing and laugh harder as they place the television on mute and assume the boys are voicing the cartoons.)
"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
Oh My
Mercy
And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."
NEXT Episode 7: "Damage Control"
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