Frasier 3.0: "Insomniac in Seattle"
"Down With the Proletariat"
Frasier worked the late shift at KACL studio, stuck in his recording booth with Roz overseeing the production from the adjoining booth. Roz's eyes began slamming shut as her head bobbed backward and forward while Frasier droned on and on into the microphone, spouting some pro-communist and pro-Putin propaganda from his little red "people's manifesto."
"And that ladies and gentlemen of the people's republic of America, is why we must continue the good fight against the establishment, and break borders between our bourgeois and proletariat cousins!" Frasier rambled into the microphone with a passion of a thousand suns.
Just then the red light buzzed jolting Roz awake who immediately cut into Frasier's feed, "I'm sorry Doctor Crane but we're out of time." Roz spoke elegantly into the microphone. "Ah of course, and as always Seattle; buy my products!" Frasier concluded before shutting off his microphone and taking his set off of his head. Frasier turned his head to look at Roz through the producer's window, giving her a “thumbs up” replete with a face resonant of smug self-accomplishment. Roz scowled at Frasier before shutting off the the light to the "on-air" sign. "Well Roslyn, another successful night of broadcasting!" Frasier gleefully announced as Roz grabbed her purse and coat and glared at him, "I was supposed to be at home hours ago!" She hissed, "And don't call me 'Roslyn'!" she yelled. "I'm sorry Roz I thought we were on a roll?" Frasier apologized smugly. "Well if it weren't for you upsetting Kate, we wouldn't be stuck on the graveyard shift!" Roz complained, "I've had to leave little Alice alone with the xbox and Call of Duty to keep her company." She added. "Roz, you're not worried about all of that simulated video game violence?" Frasier inquired. "Nah, she's a great shot with an assault rifle." Roz replied, "It's the whiny, fedora-wearing, circlejerk of neckbeards that I'm worried about." she continued. "Well if it's any consolation I was once an ace at boggle back in my day." Frazier admitted. "I'll keep that in mind when I shop for an ‘au-pair’." Roz replied sarcastically.
"Mister Genius"
Frasier and Niles argued as they exited the elevator and into the hallway of the Elliott-Towers condominium, Frasier retrieved his keys and unlocked the door and pushed his way into the condo. "Niles why on earth do you insist on buying those mass-produced, preservative-loaded, pure sugar diabetes drinks?" Frasier groaned as he threw his blazer onto the sofa near Mr. Bottomsley, and marched over to his wine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of sherry. "Oh none for me!" Niles quipped as he reached into his coat and pulled out an XL size can of "Monster Energy Drink". "Ah yes of course, your go to 'energy' supplement." Frasier snarked as he poured a glass of sherry for himself and angrily slammed the bottle down on the table. "Frasier, I swear this drink is literally, LITERALLY the second-coming!" Niles cried in ecstasy. "Poppycock!" Frasier refuted, "There is absolutely no way that some artificial, man-made, green sludge drink is anything other than toxic!" Frasier argued. "It's wonderful!" Niles moaned as he poured more of the sugary beverage down his throat. "The more of that crap you drink, the more your hair and eyelashes will fall out!" Frasier pointed out.
Just then Daphne came in from the kitchen garbed in a burlap work dress, wearing yellow rubber dish gloves and goggles. "ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE ANNE DOCKTA CROYNE!" She greeted, "US JEW GONG TOOTH DAY BROOCH DISNEY HALF JUNE?" she inquired. Niles and Frasier just stared at Daphne with raised eyebrows, wondering to themselves what the hell she was babbling on about. "OI GOAT JEW EGG SPAETZEL BRAD BUSH!" the cockney housemaid exclaimed. "Daphne, go away." Frasier groaned annoyed. The limey psychic shrugged before meandering off into the hallway, and out of sight.
Niles and Frasier sat opposite of each other on the living-room sofa, while Mr. Bottomsley hopped down and scampered out of sight. "Niles, I insist that you end thus buffoonery at once!" Frasier demanded. "Oh pshaw Frasier," Niles replied, "It's harmless fun!" he added. "Yes, yes 'harmless fun'!" Frasier retorted, "That's what they said about the sixties and now we have 'flower power', 'peace and love' and 'girl power'!" Frasier ranted. Immediately Niles' cell phone went off playing the theme to Different Strokes, he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved his pink flip-phone and answered it. "Hello Maris my dear!" Niles exclaimed, causing Frasier to scowl with an eye roll. "You need what now?" Niles questioned, "You need how many? By when?" Niles asked, while Frasier sat glaring at him. "Oh okay honey, alright dear I'll have them all by ten!" Niles assured, "Okay bye bye." He said hanging up the phone. "What does her highness require of you this time?" Frasier inquired sarcastically. "Oh nothing much, just a couple of South American cockatoo eggs." Niles explained, "Why on earth does she need those for?" Frasier questioned. "Well it'll be time for breakfast in twelve hours" Niles said looking at his wristwatch, "And she's feeling like something exotic for the occasion." He added. "Oh I see..." Frasier muttered.
Suddenly there was a loud scream, followed by Eddie scurrying out from the hallyway into the living-room. Niles and Frasier exchanged worried looks before rising from their seats on the sofa and watched as Martin hobbled out from the hallway into the living-room. "That damn dog!" Martin screeched. "Dad what's the matter?" Frasier inquired. "Well for your information 'Mister Genius', the dog bit me!" Martin exclaimed. "Well that does it, we'll have to euthanize!" Frasier declared. "Where did he bite you dad?" Niles inquired. "Well...He uh..." Martin hesitated, "I was watching one of my documentaries..." Martin explained. "Ah yes...'those' documentaries." Frasier and Niles said in unison. "Well you know how I'm fond of the travel channel!" Martin cried, "Anyway I may have gotten just a bit too warm laying in bed like I was, so I may have taken off a few layers of clothes...and he may have mistaken my sausage for a 'SNAUSAGE'!" Martin explained. "WHAT?!" Frasier and Niles both exclaimed shocked, "Shhh!" Martin shushed with his hands, "Keep it down will ya, I don't need Mary Poppins in there overhearing!" Martin cried.
Just then Daphne came waltzing into the living-room carrying a bucket full of water and a scrub brush, "OI JEW GANJA ALPS MEAT CLAM UBER DAM TOYS LID?!" she inquired, brushing hair from out of her face. "Anyway I must be going, Maris simply must have her rare exotic bird eggs for breakfast otherwise she will be so disappointed!" Niles exclaimed before hurrying out the front door, "Uh yea and I need to take Eddie down to the vet to be euthanized!" Martin shrieked as he grabbed Eddie's leash and lured him out of the apartment. "Oh yes and I must be going off to my office at KACL...I misplaced my...my medicinal marijuana!" Frasier cried as he hurried out the door after his dad and brother.
"Best Served Cold"
Later that night Frasier accompanied Niles on an all-night shopping trip all across Seattle; visiting many historic fish markets, delicatessens, bakeries and import stores in order to allocate a set of exotic cockatoo eggs.
"Niles, I must admit this little late-night excursion has me feeling fifteen again!" Frasier admitted with a laugh. "Just don't let the cops overhear you saying that!" Niles replied, looking over his shoulder and around the corners. "N-Niles we have what Maris wanted yes?" Frasier inquired. "Oh yes, she will be absolutely overjoyed once I return home with all four of these extremely rare, exotic, prized South American Cockatoo eggs!" Niles proclaimed happily while jiggling his grocery bag.
Just then Niles' cell phone buzzed and he quickly flipped the flip-phone open to answer it, "Hello? Ah yes Maris my dear we were just talking about..." He greeted before stopping midway, "You what?" He asked, dropping the bag of extremely rare and exotic bird eggs. "Y-you're not hungry anymore...like at all?" He asked, "Maybe you eat them later as a snack?" Niles wondered. "I see...y-you're not hungry at all, ever again, period." He added, Frasier glaring at the bag of now smashed cockatoo eggs and back to his brother. "Okay darling, of course, yes, goodbye." Niles said before flipping shut the flip-phone.
Frasier slowly approached his now distraught looking brother and opened his arms up for a quick public embrace. "Niles, what's wrong?" Frasier asked. "She doesn't want the eggs." Niles replied. "At all?" Frasier inquired. "Ever again, period!" Niles added, and kicked the bag of smashed eggs angrily. "That Maris sent you on a wild goose chase...and for NOTHING!" Frasier announced angrily. "My god, you're right!" Niles gasped. "She has wasted forty-eight hours of my life that I will NEVER get back!" Niles shouted angrily. "What are you going to do about it Niles?" Frasier wondered, "I know what I'm going to do about it!" Niles said reaching into his trouser pocket and retrieving a .38 handgun before cocking the chamber. "Now Niles, we all know revenge is a delicacy best served cold!" Frasier said dryly and coldly as he winked and raised an eyebrow at Niles, who did the same in turn. "But it's been many, many hours and now I'm hopped up on Monster Energy Drink!" Frasier panicked, "What am I going to do?" he cried worriedly. "Let's go to the Space Needle!" Niles declared excitedly, "Okay but then what?!" Frasier asked. "I don't know, we'll make something up!" Niles replied as the two fully grown men ran off skipping through the streets at night to see who gets to the Space Needle first.
"Festoon of Fools"
Later that night Frasier sat dead asleep in his broadcasting studio, Roz also in a deep sleep from her producer's seat. The line buzzed with chatter from one of the late-night callers, "Hello Doctor Crane?" the frantic caller demanded, "Doctor Crane I'm going to do it I swear!" the frantic caller exclaimed, "Don't try and talk me down!" the frantic caller pleaded before there was radio silence for a full minute before a loud gunshot resonated on the airwaves.
The lines buzzed and the call board lit-up with more calls phoning in, then suddenly station manager Kate Costas hurried down the hall and approached Frasier's booth. She pressed her face against the glass and glared at Frasier and Roz who were both dead asleep. Kate slammed her fists on the glass window before ripping open the studio door and letting herself in, "WAKE UP YOU FESTOON OF FOOLS!" Kate shouted at full volume, "HELLO THE LIGHT IS ON, YOU'RE LIVE!" She screamed at the sleeping duo, both of whom immediately jolted awake. "Oh-oh Kate, we were just conducting a study on...on insomniacs!" Frasier lied. Roz sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "Where the hell am I?" She questioned. "At the studio, where you're supposed to be WORKING!" Kate screeched before turning and slamming shut the door. "Gee, what's her problem?" Frasier wondered glancing at Roz who was again fast asleep. "Good idea Roz." Frasier commended as he switched off his headset, crawled onto the studio desktop and curled into a ball to sleep.
(End Credits roll, shows Martin and the Veterinarian attempting to lure Eddie into the euthanasia clinic by presenting a squeaky toy and a rawhide chew toy to him, but he runs away causing Martin and the vet to chase after him across Seattle traffic.)
"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
Oh My
Mercy
And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."
NEXT Episode 4: "Wrecksual Education"
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