Frasier 2020 Episode 2: "Niles Gets Grungy"

Frasier 2.0 "Niles Gets Grungy "

"Ain't that a Kick in the Head"

Frasier and Niles enter Cafe Nervosa dressed in their traditional squash gear (short shorts, and collared shirts with matching sweater-vests) while arguing amongst themselves whether a popular brand of tape is called "duck tape" or "duct tape".

"Well you're wrong!" Niles shouted as he and his brother each pulled out a chair and seated themselves at their usual. "Yes you're right Niles, it is an adhesive made for tethering waterfowl." Frasier droned dryly. "We'll settle this right now," Niles said snapping his fingers to attract the attention of Luck, the barista woman, who took notice and immediately walked over to their table. "Can I get you gents anything?" She asked happily. "No we have a question, is it 'duck tape' or 'duct tape'?" Niles inquired, with fingers crossed that it was the former. "Duct tape." the barista woman replied while giving him a weird look before walking away, leaving Niles to face a smug Frasier. "Very well, I've reconciled with defeat before." Niles admitted. "Oh come now, t'was merely a flesh wound!" Frasier consoled.

Just then the Cafe Nervosa door blew open and Roz stepped in dressed up in a skin-tight black latex catsuit carrying a whip and a gimp mask. She approached Frasier's table and took a seat, "Boy you would NOT believe the night I've had!" Roz said with an exhausted sigh. "If the rumors written about you on the men's urinal are true, I'll believe it." Niles retorted, earning a "death glare" from Roz. Frasier rolled up his newspaper and eyed Roz up and down, "Let me guess; you were hard at work looking for 'Marcellus Wallace's' soul?" Roz frowned at Frasier before reaching into her purse and retrieving a compact mirror, "I met this guy at a Mariner's game," Roz declared. "Does loitering about the men's room still count as a sport?" Niles inquired rudely, "Well it IS a physical activity." Frasier added, "Ah touche`!" Niles replied pointing across to Frasier. "You guys I'm trying to have a moment here!" Roz cried while fidgeting with her hair. "You're right Roz, we'll behave." Frasier assured. "Of course we'll behave...mistress." Niles added, again earning a glare from Roz. "Anyway, so I met this guy at a Mariner's game and we went out for drinks only for me to learn that he's a professional 'Dean Martin' impersonator." Roz admitted. "How did the game go?" Frasier wondered curiously, "How the hell should I know?" Roz replied, "We slipped away during intermission and had a 'game' of our own." she added. "But how did you lure him away from the game?" Frasier wondered. "I loitered outside the men's room and jumped him when he came out." Roz explained. "Gee Roz one would almost mistake that behavior as 'sexual harassment'." Niles proclaimed. "Well I'm pretty sure that the first two were taken aback by it, but the third guy was definitely him." Roz confessed, causing Frasier and Niles to exchange concerned glances. "Well," Frasier started "Ain't that a kick in the head."

"That Was My Slave Name"

Later that day, Frasier had completed his errands and returned home to his condominium at the Elliott-Bay Towers. He put his key into the keyhole and pushed open the door when his ears detected a sharp screeching from the hallway, causing him to look behind him. An elderly woman with stark white hair and griping a walker was directly behind Frasier and was screeching in distress. "Mrs. Magrini is there something I can do for you?" Frasier inquired annoyed. "You're father, Martin did it again he's imprisoned me in the lobby closet again!" the old woman cried, almost in hysterics. "Mrs. Magrini you are clearly NOT being held captive." Frasier pointed out curtly, while holding his bag of groceries like a baby. "He said I was a domestic terrorist!" Mrs. Magrini exclaimed, "He frisked me, pushed me into the closet and then locked it!" She added. Frasier stared at her, eyes narrowed and eyebrows furrowed into an expression that displayed obvious annoyance. "Mrs. Magrini have you been taking your daily medication?" Frasier inquired thoughtfully, "Why yes, in fact you prescribed them to me!" She replied. "Well up the dosage!" Frasier yelled as he slammed the front door in the old woman's face.

Just then Daphne rounded the corner, "ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE LUFLEE EEVEE WEAVE BEN HAPPEN!" Frasier just went over his mail while nodding in agreement with the Cockney housekeeper. "OI BEN MARCHING TANG POPE CONE CHEEK-END AN DEY BABY!" Daphne exclaimed. Frasier threw his mail on the floor, and opened a bottle of sherry. "Daphne, if you continue barking at me every time I come through the door I am going to have to insist that you speak proper English!" Frasier replied. "OI BEN SPORK DAYS POOPER ANGLICAN MUDDER FUDRUCKA!" Daphne explained, Frasier merely swallowed his glass of sherry while deadpan glaring at Daphne and tossed the glass to the floor, shattering it into a billion pieces. "Clean that up!" Frasier demanded before exiting the room into the kitchen. "OI MAY GROOT DISNEY TINKERING MALL DIE!" Daphne swore angrily.

In the kitchen Frasier ambled over to the stove to witness a burning mess of what he assumed was "traditional English cooking" boiling over. He turned the burners off, put on an oven mitt, grabbed the pot by its holder and tossed it out the sliding door, over the balcony. "God I hate English cooking." Frasier said under his breath. Just then Martin hobbled down the hall with Eddie quickly following behind, "Don't care what you've been doing I'm just getting my booze before going back to my documentary." Martin declared suspiciously. Frasier glared at his father with a raised eyebrow, "Let me guess; is it a 'biology' documentary?" Frasier asked aloud. "Good guess!" Martin exclaimed as he opened the fridge and retrieved an entire case of beer. "OI YEW NOSHI OIL MENG!" Daphne hollered from the living-room, "YEW SPOUSE TAP DUNE ZAY FRISBEE OH!" She cried angrily while cleaning up glass and cutting herself. "Ah can it ya Cockney harpy!" Martin barked back as he hobbled with his cane and booze back down the hall. "HAY DON TANK JEW WOK FRAME MEAT FUDRUCKER OIL MENG!" Daphne screeched as she angrily followed and bled behind Martin.

Suddenly there was a knocking at the door and Frasier dropped what he was doing and went to go answer it, when he pulled back the door he was greeted by a tall pale-looking man dressed all in black, with black hair, black eye and lip makeup and a long black coat. The gothic man raised his hand and made a peace sign with his fingers, "Hey Fraze." Frasier stared at the gothic man, now revealed to be Niles up and down in disbelief. "Niles! Why? How!?" Frasier cried in shock as Niles pushed past him with an electric guitar strapped to his back, and plopped down on the sofa. "It's my new scene man!" Niles admitted. "New scene? What on earth are you on about?" Frasier demanded, "This morning I had an epiphany!" Niles declared, "I realized that I was walking the wrong path and that I was being a slave to the 'man'!" Niles added. "B-but you love capitalism!" Frasier cried, "You absolutely adore Anglo-American Authoritarian Fascism!" Frasier added. "Nah man, that was the old me!" Niles denied, "That me is DEAD!" Niles cried as he played a note on his electric guitar.

Just then Martin ambled into the living-room clasping his ears in pain, "What the hell is that claptrap?!" He cried upset. "Take a look for yourself!" Frasier decreed while gesturing to Goth Niles, who was brooding on the sofa. Martin hobbled into the living-room with his cane and eyed his younger son up and down in disbelief, "Niles is that you?" Martin inquired. "Yea daddy-o it is me." Niles replied sharply and depressed. "But what is it?" Martin questioned, "It's his new 'scene'." Frasier said mockingly. "Niles this can't be you, you don't even like black it's the reason we had BET cancelled." Martin stated. "Don't call me Niles!" Goth Niles cried, "That was my slave name, I'm now ‘Cullen Sullen!" he added. Frasier and Martin just exchanged looks of "what the hell?"

"A Sea Of Blackness and Teenage Body Odor"

Later that night Frasier drove Martin and Daphne to Jeffrey's lounge; a local goth hangout in the industrial district of Seattle. "Where on earth are we Fraze?" Martin asked while eyeballing the club patrons suspiciously. "The last place on earth you'd want to be caught dead, alive, or in a coma." Frasier replied while searching for someone. "Do you see him?" Martin inquired, "No I can't see anything but a sea of blackness and teenage body odor." Frasier quipped.

Just then the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated the center stage. The red velvet curtains obscuring the backdrop parted revealing a tall, skinny and pale gothic man who turned to face the crowd. It was Niles or "Cullen Sullen", and he was wearing skin-tight leather pants, combat boots, tons of earrings and studs in his ears and lips, and black mascara that was already running down his cheeks from his eyelids. He also wore a hot pink feather boa and wore black acrylic nails, and stuck his tongue out exposing a jet black tongue ring. He swung his electric guitar around to his front and strummed a chord, "Allo everyone are you ready for a show tonight?" Niles cried into his microphone, and the crowd of sweaty gothic club patrons shouted and cheered in unison, "Aight!" Niles cried, "We're gonna play a Seattle classic here tonight, just for you!" Niles said winking at a particular gothic-looking girl with ebony black hair with red streaks, and bloody eyeshadow, black ribbons, laces, fishnets and a miniskirt who stood in the mosh-pit close to the stage.

"Seen you naked in the bath, cigarette stains on your hands. Wilted flowers in a vase, I ask how are you, yea how are you?

I see the lipstick on your glass, I figure you're drunk and I start to laugh!" Niles loudly crooned into the microphone as the crowd of goth kids went wild moshing and slam dancing, "Don't ask why! Don't ask why! Don't ask why, don't ask why...SIXTEEN CANDLES DOWN THE DRAIN!" Niles ululated into the microphone much to the crowd's delight, all of whom danced like bizarre wind-up Halloween props.

Frasier who at this point was surrounded by sweaty and angsty cybergoth kids who flailed their arms about with neon blue and green glow sticks, wearing similarly-colored dread-locked wigs and gas masks, making them resemble Mortal Kombat rejects, had had enough and marched up onto the stage and immediately yanked the microphone away from his gothic younger brother. "Niles this farce has gone on for long enough!" Frasier screamed into the microphone. "You are not a Goth, you've never invaded a foreign country, in fact you've never even led your own army!" Frasier decried, causing Niles to gasp in shock and horror, dropping his electric guitar to the stage with an audible "thud!" "Frasier you monster!" Niles proclaimed, "How could you!?" Frasier narrowed his eyes and looked back to the crowd, "She...wore...bluuuuuuuuuuuue velvet." Frasier softly crooned into the microphone, causing Niles' demeanor to shift from one of horror into one of delight. He grabbed the microphone and sang along with his brother, "Bluer than velvet was the night! Softer than satin was the light !" Meanwhile the goths and cyber-goth kids screamed, shook and recoiled at the sound of traditional American music which caused many of them to burst into flames and/or to explode into dust as if exposed to a light source. "OI MAO DAS NAUTICAL JEW SEA REBA DIE!" Daphne exclaimed as she watched a trio of cyber-goths explode into dust before her eyes.

"You Never Go Full Goth"

Later after a hot shower and a trip to the stylist Niles was back to his old self again, and sat on Frasier's sofa draped in a housecoat with a towel on his shoulders. "Frasier, I cannot thank you enough for springing me from that teenage wasteland of a hellhole!" Niles proclaimed happily. "Think nothing of it my good man!" Frasier replied, patting him on the shoulder. "I know if it were I, you would have done the same for me." He added. "Gee Frasier, what would your Goth name have been if you had become one?" Niles inquired. "Oh I don't know..." Frasier replied thoughtfully, "I suppose a meaningful juxtaposition of Freud mixed with my favorite color and alcoholic beverage." He added, "Ah 'Black Sherry'!" Niles deduced, "Has a sort of 'Marilyn Manson' ring to it." Niles commended. "Why thank you Niles." Frasier said, turning and smiling at his Marilyn Manson poster that hanged on the wall opposite of a poster of Sigmund Freud. "Oh speaking of which, I'll need to head down to the courthouse first thing in the morrow." Niles declared. "The courthouse, why?" Frasier wondered. "Well when I went Goth, I went 'Full Goth'." Niles explained. "You mean to say you legally changed your name to 'Cullen Sullen'?" Frasier asked. "'Full Goth', Frasier." Niles replied, "You never go 'Full Goth' Niles." Frasier retorted. "Well Freddie went through a similar phase not long ago too..." Niles piped up. "Yes and a year's worth of beatings and re-education nipped that right in the bud." Frasier replied pouring himself a glass of sherry. "Ah touche`!" Niles resonated in defeat.

"You know Niles I'm surprised you performed a 'Sponge' song, I always took you for more of a 'The Cure' man myself." Frasier acknowledged. "Oh no Frasier I couldn't have done that," Niles replied. "The Goth Mafia has the monopoly on the Cure covers and since I'm not a member, they would've been furious!" He explained. "The 'Goth Mafia'?" Frasier replied doubtfully. "Oh yes, they've practically cornered the edge lord and despair market." Niles stated. "Oh yes, wherever is a 'Hot Topic' when we need one?" Frasier bemoaned sarcastically. "Well it's true nonetheless and we should seriously watch our peripherals whenever we are about in public." Niles suggested cautiously. "Oh pish-posh Niles,” Frasier scoffed “You old drama queen!" Frasier blurted. "No it's true Frasier!" Niles insisted, "They're the only ones who actually make Maris think twice about stepping out into public in all black." Frasier rolled his eyes and said with a smirk, "I doubt they'd even notice her to be honest," he said taking a swig of his sherry, "she'd probably get swept away by a gust of wind or fall down a sewer drain never to be seen or heard from again." Niles sighed to himself, "We can only hope." "Hope?" Frasier reiterated, "I mean..." Niles hesitated. Frasier narrowed his eyes but quickly laughed and joined his brother in a fist bump before getting up retiring to his bedroom for the night, leaving Niles to dart around the room looking for hidden cameras and peering out the window for snipers before crawling under the blanket on the living-room sofa and attempting to sleep.

(End Credits roll, shows Roz still dressed up in a skin-tight black catsuit in a darkened sex dungeon whipping someone off-camera with a long bull whip, while making hissing noises and mewing like a cat. Eventually she gets tired and drops the whip, puts on the gimp mask, unzips the mouth and chases after the victim off-camera.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 

 NEXT Episode 3: "Insomniac in Seattle"