Frasier 4.0: "Wrecksual Education"
"Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"
Frasier was finishing up his closing spiel while Roz motioned with her hands for him to "hurry it up", which he obviously ignored in lieu of doling out more useless wisdom to the Seattle masses;
"And that Seattle, is why I choose Jif!" Frasier declared as he unscrewed a jar of Jif Peanut butter and began enthusiastically eating it over the air. "PHECUBS JEWSY MONGS JEWS PIFF!" Frasier bellowed into his microphone, mouth full of peanut butter.
Frasier shut off the mic and looked over to Roz, "How was that?" he inquired, "Do you think they'll be choosing Jif?" Roz folded her arms and pointed to the clock, "They won't be choosing it on account of you." She pointed out. "W-What why not!?" Frasier panicked looking at the clock on the wall and his own wristwatch, "Because you were going overtime, I had to cut you off five minutes ago!" Roz explained. "D'oh phooey Roz!" Frasier moaned, ripping the headset from his cranium, and tossing it onto the desktop before grabbing an entire handful of Jif peanut butter and cramming it into his mouth.
Just then station manager Kate Costas approached the recording studio and pried open the door before stepping in, "Frasier, Roz you did wonderful tonight." Kate declared. "Thank you Kate." Roz replied, "SPANK CUE HATE!" Frasier also said with a mouthful of peanut butter. "Frasier I would have preferred you to have pitched the Jif ad a little earlier..." Kate admitted, "HEEL COW FUCH PEARLER?" Frasier questioned, sounding reminiscent of his Cockney housemaid. "Like five minutes before cut off." Kate responded looking down at her Armani wristwatch. "Oh Roz!" Frasier complained, "You could have at least warned me!" he added. "Uh Frasier I did warn you." Roz retaliated. "Really, when?" Frasier demanded, "When I said 'Frasier you're off in five'." Roz replied. "Oh..." Frasier said embarrassed.
"As much as I enjoy watching the two of you one up each other I have places to go," Kate stated. "But Frasier I wanted to know if you were interested in attending a live showing of 'To Wong Foo' with me tonight?" Kate asked. "To Wong Foo, that sounds like something I should be familiar with." Frasier said to himself, "It sounds foreign and sexy and exotic..." "It's a movie about drag queens on the lamb." Roz interrupted. "Oh!" Frasier replied with surprise. "Well actually Kate, you know how I love the theater but I really must attend to my British Short-hair 'Mister Bottomsley', he is very demanding of his daddy's time." Frasier admitted. "Well alright Frasier, but I think you're missing out." Kate said with a click of her tongue. "Actually Kate I never pictured you the type of woman who liked..." Frasier hesitated. "That I liked...?" Kated reiterated, "That you like comedies." Frasier blurted nervously. "Like them? Oh I love them!" Kate responded happily, "And To Wong Foo is like the Queen of 90's comedy cinema." Kate declared. "Really, I had no idea you held such a high opinion of slapstick genderbent filmography." Frasier noted. "To Wong Foo; Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar," Kate said. "Now if she can like it, then I can like it." Kate added before stepping out of the recording studio. "I don't think that means what she thinks it means." Roz said dryly.
"Snooty Cheese Eatery"
Meanwhile Martin sat on his lazy boy watching one of his many "documentaries", while Eddie slept on the sofa. Martin rifled through a bag of Doritos and popped open a 3 liter of Mountain Dew and took a huge chug straight from the bottle. The "documentary", focusing on certain 1970's White males cruising public bathrooms for Black females, in a New York subway. "Now we're getting good!" Martin exclaimed happily while fumbling to undo his belt buckle, just as the front door swung open and in stepped Frasier. "Damn it!" Martin cursed under his breath as he draped a blanket over his lap and quickly changed the channel to the Home Shopping Network. "Hi dad." Frasier said as he looked through the mail and placed his coat up on the coat rack by the door. "Hi Fraze, how was your day?" Martin inquired. "Oh you know how it is; another day another crazy person to cure." Frasier explained.
Frasier glared at Eddie who didn't move an inch from his spot on the sofa, and attempted to "scoot" him aside, using a rolled up newspaper as a push pole. "Eddie please move." Frasier asked impatiently. "That's his favorite spot Fraze, he loves it there." Martin pointed out. "Well it also happens to be Mister Bottomsley's favorite spot as well." Frasier declared, "Speaking of which where IS Mister Bottomsley?" Frasier inquired. "He took off like a bat out of hell when Eddie came in." Martin explained. "Dad that's terrible and you're acting like it's funny?!" Frasier chastised. "Yea it kind of was actually." Martin replied.
Daphne trudged out of her room carrying Mr. Bottomsley on both hands and began to complain to Frasier in her usual unintelligible Cockney dialect; "OI WHEY JEW KOOP END KATE MONKEY WOMB EH!?" she yelled angrily. "Ah thank you Daphne!" Frasier cried as he happily took Mr. Bottomsly from the irate housemaid. "AISLE HALF MEW GNOME MAI ALOE JERK TOES KATES!" Daphne ranted as she trotted off to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Frasier sat down on the couch opposite Eddie and began stroking Mr. Bottomsley's fur gently while acting like an entitled parent. "Yes you're a good boy Mister Bottomsley, yes you are!" Frasier cooed, causing Martin to scowl and roll his eyes in disgust. "So uh, Fraze got any plans for tonight?" Martin inquired. "Well after being on the wait list forever, Niles and I managed to get reservations to an extremely bourgeois and overpriced French restaurant 'Le Puque'." Frasier announced. "Oh well hopefully you haven't been waiting too long." Martin replied. "We've only been waiting for twenty years." Frasier replied casually. "Twenty years?!" Martin replied shocked, "You could have gotten in and out of Club Thirty-three in Disneyland in the time it took to get those reservations!" He cried. "Ah but do they serve 'moufette du sauce au sang le fromage'?" Frasier asked sarcastically. "I don't know what that is but if you like it, then I'm sure it's gross." Martin replied assuredly. Frasier waved away his father's comment before getting up and pouring himself a glass of sherry from the wine cabinet.
Martin rose from his seat gripping his cane and hobbled past Frasier, "Well have fun at your 'snooty' cheese eatery." Martin said rudely, "I'm going to turn in for the night and enjoy a nature documentary." he continued, "come on Eddie!" he shouted, causing the little dog to instantly jump off the sofa and follow his master down the hall into his bedroom. "Yes, do enjoy your 'documentary'." Frasier said dryly, narrowing his eyes.
Just then the doorbell rang twice, and Frasier placed his glass of sherry on the table and walked over to the door and opened, it revealing Niles standing in the doorway; "Frasier." Niles announced, "Niles." Frasier replied. "Are we ready to take our taste buds to Xanadu?" Niles asked with excited fervor. Niles shut the door behind him as he followed Frasier into the living/dining area and joined him at the table; "Share a bottle of sherry for the road?" Frasier offered, presenting the bottle before his brother. "Of course my good man, an occasion such as this requires the upmost merriment and glee!" Niles replied. Niles pulled out a chair as his brother poured him a glass of sherry, "Oh Frasier I just had a thought!" he blurted out. "Go on then Niles, let's hear it." Frasier replied. "What if we went to restaurant dressed in STYLE?" Niles supposed, causing Frasier to squint his eyes and strum his chin in deep concentration. "Are you suggesting we arrive dressed up as our favorite characters?" Frasier wondered, to which Niles nodded excitedly and rapidly.
The doorbell rang a series of three consecutive rings each causing Frasier and Niles to pause and stare at each other in confusion; "Niles you didn't mention bringing anyone with you." Niles looked over at the door and then back to his brother, "That's because I didn't!" Niles admitted, "My dear Maris tired herself out screaming at the help and will be on bed rest for the better half of the week." He explained. "Well who on God's green earth could it possibly be?" Frasier demanded as he stomped toward the door, gripped the knob and swung it open.
On the other end of the door stood Kate Costas, the station manager of KACL along with Roz Doyle, Bill "Bulldog" Briscoe, Gil Chesterton, Noel Shempsky, as well as the rest of the KACL staff. Frasier's eyes widened as he glared at the workplace mob standing before him; "W-why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier asked nervously. "You did!" Kate replied, pushing past Frasier with the mob following her into the condominium. "B-but what's the meaning of this?" Frasier asked confused. "Do you remember that big pokemon fad from a week ago?" Kate interrogated. "M-maybe, possibly, could you elaborate?" Frasier pleaded. "One of our employees was leaving the station when some moron on a segway ran him over, knocking him down fifty flights of stairs and landing him in the ICU." Kate explained, causing Niles to drop down to the floor and discretely roll away down the hall. "Oh my god so that's what happened to Kenny?!" Frasier gasped. "No Kenny's fine, he was fired for eating too much." Kate added, "Ed McGuirk is in a coma at Virginia Mason, and frankly the station can't afford his medical fees or impending lawsuit once he recovers." Kate added, "IF he recovers." Bulldog Briscoe interjected optimistically.
Frasier just looked on at Kate and the crowd with a stunned and shocked look, "That's terrible, but..." Frasier started, "BUT our insurance providers assured us that they would cover us so long as the ENTIRE station took a distracted driving seminar." Kate interrupted. Frasier stumbled and slouched on the sofa trying to regain his composure as the mob encircled him, "And you're all here because..." Frasier asked. "We're here because we have exactly twenty-four hours to take and complete this course before the insurers revoke our coverage, we file for bankruptcy and all of us are out of a job!" Kate explained. "Oh...ah I-I see..." Frasier muttered, his eyes welling up with tears. "We could have done this at the station but somebody is living in the eighties and doesn't own a personal mobile phone!" Kate nagged at Frasier. "Even I own one!" Gil Chesterton exclaimed, "It's hot pink and plays 'raining men' for some reason whenever it rings...isn't that weird?" "Yea," Roz said, "Really weird!" eyeballing Gil up and down.
"I'll have a steak"
Somehow Niles and Martin managed to sneak out of the apartment without either Frasier or the angry KACL mob noticing them, and Niles managed to convince Martin to attend dinner with him at the fancy French Le Puque restaurant; "I still can't believe I let you talk me into coming to this place." Martin groaned while searching the menu. "I know isn't it fabulous?" Niles chittered excitedly. "I would have felt way more comfortable at someplace like the 'Timber Mill'." Martin confessed. "Ah yes, where you can pick your own steak straight from the wagon!" Niles patronized. "That's right!" Martin cried, "And I'll have you know those steaks are all prime American-grown!" he declared. "Alright, alright let's just calm down and enjoy the evening shall we?" Niles suggested. "I don't know Niles, I can't event pronounce half the names on this thing." Martin replied.
Just then a very tall, very pale, very thin and extremely snooty-looking French man goose stepped over to Niles' table, with his extremely pointy noise sticking directly up in the air and notepad in hand inquired about the gents' orders; "And what is sir having for dîner this evening?" Niles looked down at the menu, "I will have the Renard au jus du mort." Niles answered confidently. "Magnifique!" The waiter croaked happily before turning his attention to Martin, "And for you sir?" he slithered with a French forked-tongue. "Uhhh...do ya got any burgers?" Martin inquired, staring down at the menu. "Excuse moi?" questioned the waiter, "Ve do not serve 'amburger at zis establishment!" he cried angrily. "Ah okay, I'll have a steak then." Martin replied. "Oui oui, un filet mignon." the stuffy waiter recited before putting away his notepad, and slithering away into the shadows, meanwhile Niles glared at his father who was feasting away on the basket of french bread totally oblivious.
"A Pompous Snorlax"
An hour or so later, Frasier had managed to rearrange his entire living/dining-rooms into a giant classroom. Roz sat on the sofa in-between Bulldog Briscoe and Noel Shempsky, while Gil Chesterton, and Kate Costas sat at the dining table. The remaining KACL staff sat on the floor around the apartment; "So where is our mystery tutor?" Frasier chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "Her name is Julia Wilcox, and she is a former sexual harassment lecturer." Kate replied, obviously annoyed. "Gee Kate, you seem...stressed?" Frasier noted. "It's nine forty-five, and I'm already missing the opening narration of To Wong Foo." Kate muttered angrily. Just then there was a brisk pounding at the door, "That's probably her." Frasier announced, getting to his feet. "You just stay put Romeo, the last thing a harassment coordinator needs to deal with is a pompous Snorlax." Kate rebuked as she stood up and briskly walked over to the entryway.
Kate reached for the doorknob, turned and pulled back the door revealing a "smartly dressed" blond haired woman with a medium-length haircut in a business pantsuit. The woman adjusted her hair in a small compact before closing and putting it in her clutch, "Kate!" She happily squealed, "Julia!" Kate cried equally as happy. "I had absolutely NO IDEA you would be among the slobs I had to lecture to tonight!" Julia confessed. "Well actually I'm technically not part of the class," Kate admitted. "I'm really just here as an overseer." "Well you sure oversaw this crowd." Julia said as she stepped into the apartment, glaring at all of the KACL staff in disgust and swallowing back bile and turned facing Kate, "My god!" she said sucking in air through her teeth, "There's room for everybody, let's just say that." she added, to which Kate merely nodded ashamedly in response.
Julia then faced the KACL crowd, reached into her purse and retrieved a silver whistle, "Okay you scum, whenever I blow this whistle it means shut up, drop what you're doing, and pay attention to me! Got it?" She screamed at the class. A nervous woman shakily raised her hand in the air, "What is it!?" Julia screeched. "D-does that apply to e-everything...?" the nervous girl asked, obviously afraid. Julia let out an extremely loud and arrogant sigh before rolling her eyes, "DUH!" she shouted at full volume. "I don't care if you're picking your nose, breastfeeding, performing open-heart surgery!" she bellowed angrily, "When you butthole surfers hear this goddamn whistle you drop EVERYTHING and listen!" Julia screamed, her face now as red as a tomato.
An hour later of lecturing, Julia and Kate stood by the fireplace whispering and gossiping while the KACL staff spread out across the living-room, each person working on their essays. Frasier sank into his chair with a scowl carved into his face, now realizing that it was his brother Niles' obession with pokemon go that caused this entire mess to happen in the first place; ("This is all Niles' fault!") Frasier thought to himself, ("I'll KILL him!") he screamed internally, then he had a change of heart; ("Actually I can't bring myself to kill my brother, what would I say to dad? But I can kill Maris, and in fact it was her fault he got addicted to that damn game!") Frasier thought angrily to himself, a smug smirk of accomplishment gradually forming across his face, ("Yes I can kill Maris, I'll be regaled as a hero and be celebrated the world over!") he internalized. "Crane!" Julia screamed from across the room, causing Frasier to snap out of it, "Stop posturing and write your goddamn essay!" Frasier nervously turned in his seat and began writing the fifty word essay on "why It's bad to drive about the city while visually impaired and/or distracted".
Then the door to Daphne's room creaked open and the Cockney housemaid meandered out into the hallway, and into the dining/living-room area; "OI MOTTS DEAFS BEES POLES GROOM BEN HAM FAIR?!" Daphne shouted confused and angry, her face obscured by a lime-green face mask composed of guacamole and cucumbers covering her eyes. The KACL staff all shrieked and screamed in unionized terror and fled the condominium, forsaking their assignments and abandoning their instructor and supervisor in the process. Julia glared at the limey woman in shock then turned to Kate, "It's been fun but this is too much!" before darting out the door. Kate angrily turned to Frasier and glared at him, "My essay is finished!" Frasier announced nervously, to Kate's chagrin. "And so is our coverage!" Kate howled as she grabbed her coat off of the couch and approached the door before stopping and turning, "And don't bother coming into work tomorrow, you either Doyle!" "Oh are we getting the day off?" Frasier inquired happily. "Yea," Kate replied "Permanently!" Kate growled back before leaving and slamming shut the door.
The room was silent for a minute, before Bulldog Briscoe stood up from the sofa and approached Daphne; "So you like short, toxic bald guys?" Daphne just glared at him as a cucumber fell out of her eye and into her open mouth. "OI GOOSE DISNEY BORED MUNG TOQUE PARKOUR?!" Daphne growled annoyed. "Oh just take him to your room and shut up already!" Frasier groaned. Daphne stormed off down the hall, with Bulldog following in close pursuit. Just then Gil Chesterton entered from the hallway wearing Frasier's housecoat, and attempting to conceal several pockets bursting with stolen men's boxer shorts. "Well I hate to be a ‘Buzz Killington’ but I simply must get home to my Deb!" Gil announced, "Toodles!" He cried before attempting to flee from the apartment, "Hold it!" Frasier yelled, causing Gil to freeze in place. "Drop my ten-thousand thread count Egyptian cotton bath robe!" Frasier demanded, to which Gil complied and then tried opening the door, only for Frasier to slam it shut and hold it in place. "And the Malaysian silk boxer shorts." he added, which Gil reluctantly removed from his bursting pockets. "Now give me your wallet!" Frasier hissed dryly, which made Gil glare at him wide-eyed and in shock. "Your wallet or I shall call the cops!" Frasier threatened, forcing Gil to reach into his European Men's carry-all, retrieve his wallet and toss it at Frasier before storming off upset, his high heels clacking on the lacquered floor.
Frasier shut and locked the door before turning to face Roz, triumphantly waving the wallet before Roz's face; "I got some free money!" Frasier announced happily. "Yea well you're gonna need it!" Roz ranted, grabbing her coat and purse. "Roz what's wrong?" Frasier questioned. "You lost us our jobs Frasier!" Roz proclaimed, "You got us fired!" She added. "That's impossible!" Frasier balked, "None of this was MY doing!" Frasier defended. "Tell that to Kate Costas, because as she's concerned it's YOUR fault!" Roz cried. "Roz, please have some wine, stay the night!" Frasier pleaded desperately. "Frasier, I gotta go." Roz stated before opening the door, stepping out and shutting it.
Frasier takes the bottle of sherry, walks over and plops down on the couch while drinking straight from the bottle. Mr. Bottomsley comes slinking in from the hallway and pounces onto Frasier, lighting his face up as he surfs the various channels on his forty inch flatscreen TV for a "documentary" to watch.
(End Credits roll, shows a half-naked Bulldog groping Daphne as she tries making breakfast in the kitchen. She reaches for a spatula and smacks him across the head with it, which only causes him to act even more aggressively. Daphne then pulls out a butcher knife and motions for him to remove his underwear, which he does and forces him out on the balcony and shuts and locks the sliding glass door before retiring to her room with a cup of tea, leaving a naked Bulldog Briscoe to attempt to scurry down the side of the building via a rain gutter)
"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
Oh My
Mercy
And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."
NEXT Episode 5: "How I Spent My Unemployment"
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