Frasier 2020 Episode 5: "How I Spent my Unemployment"

 

Frasier 5.0: "How I Spent my Unemployment"

"How Low we've Fallen"

Due being recently unemployed because of his brother's obsession with trending fad "Pokemon Go", and inability to maneuver a segway scooter while playing. Frasier Crane sat on his sofa couch wearing matching gray sweatpants and sweatshirt each adorned with various cheeto, pizza, and grease stains.

Frasier shifted himself on the couch so that his now rotund belly was in the air, and struggled to retrieve a "little Debbie" from out of the pile of various junk food boxes scattered about the coffee table, like a votive shrine to the junk food industry.

Just then the Crane family caretaker and part-time housemaid Daphne Moon scampered out of her bedroom and down the hall, she froze in place when she caught sight of Frasier laying inert on the sofa like a beached whale, placing a potato chip into his mouth; "Ah Daphne I'm glad you're here!" Frasier exclaimed, "Would you mind handing me a few of those twinkies, I can't seem to reach them!" he added. Daphne shook her head and crossed her arms, "My Doctor Crane, how low we've fallen." She proclaimed with a tisk. Frasier's eyes bulged and he immediately rose up from the sofa, "I understood that!" He cried happily, much to Daphne's confusion. "Dad, dad get in here at once!" Frasier yelled, causing Martin to hobble out of his bedroom with Eddie tailing behind, "What is it, where's the fire?" Martin cried confusedly. "Dad, I can understand Daphne!" Frasier replied happily, "It's not like I've been speaking German the entire time!" Daphne rebuked. "You understood that?" Frasier asked, "I did!" Martin replied with glee. "Oh you're all bollocks!" Daphne grumbled before storming off back to her bedroom, "I don't know what bollocks are but I understood that too!" Martin added. "This is fantastic!" Frasier exclaimed, "It seems our Anglophobic ears have finally acclimated to Daphne's Cockney brogue!" he added. "Or these discreet audio translators really work!" Martin declared, pulling what looked like a hearing aide from his left ear. "Dad where did you get that?" Frasier inquired, "The Home Shopping Network." Martin replied as he casually walked over to and sat in his tattered brown/yellow/green chair. "Where on earth did you get the money for that?!" Frasier demanded, "You have your secrets, and I have mine." Martin replied almost smugly. "I see..." Frasier replied with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow. "I will get to the bottom of this, I assure you I will!" Frasier promised before Martin shushed him, "Be quiet Little House on the Prairie is coming on!"

"Elementary"

Later Frasier met with Niles at the outdoor patio, in front of Cafe Nervosa. Niles had hurried over to meet Frasier, having been called away from a Squash game and as a result was still fully geared up in his squash attire;

"Frasier I came as soon as I got your message!" Niles exclaimed, out of breath. "What's the emergency?" He added. "It's dad." Frasier said deadpan while stirring his coffee, "Oh my dear god...it's finally happened hasn't it?!" Niles screamed as he dropped to his knees and pulled at his hair. "WHY? WHY GOD WHY!?" He screamed angrily at the sky. "No Niles, he's not dead!" Frasier snapped dryly. "Oh good, that's good." Niles replied, quickly getting to his feet; dusting himself off and sitting across from his brother. "And might I add you would be a shoe-in for most over the top performance in a drama." Frasier added. "Well I was overwhelmed with emotion," Niles explained, "I was simply bubbling over." "I just bet..." Frasier retorted eyeballing Niles through narrowed suspicious eyes. "Well then what Is this big emergency that you got me out of my game for?!" Niles questioned. "Okay brace yourself." Frasier said leaning over the table, "Consider me thoroughly braced." Niles responded enthused. "Dad, has a secret." Frasier declared with a smug "knowing" look on his face. "Dad doesn't have any secrets," Niles denied, "We've thoroughly examined his belongings and storage facilities up and down and we've discovered everything there was to know!" Niles added. "Yes but this is a REAL secret!" Frasier said nonchalantly with a smirk and a wink. "Come again?" Niles asked, "What exactly IS this secret?!" Niles demanded impatiently. "Dad has a source of income." Frasier blurted, making Niles' expression change to an unimpressed deadpan one, "Frasier, Dad is a retired policeman he has pension!" Niles exclaimed. "No no, it's definitely NOT that." Frasier insisted. "Well how do you know?!" Niles inquired. "He bought an expensive language-based vocal translator." Frasier explained. Niles gasped, "Those tiny things that look like hearing aides?" Frasier just nodded slowly, "He bought them from the Home Shopping Channel." Frasier added. "My GOD we're not a rich family!" Niles cried, "We're not the Hiltons!" he continued. "So what do you say brother Watson, shall we work together to crack this case?" Frasier asked holding his hand outstretched toward his brother, who took it and shook it enthusiastically, "Elementary my dear brother Holmes!" Niles replied, before the two of them broke their handshake and immediately reached for bottles of hand sanitizer and germ killing spray, and vigorously cleansed each other's hands.

"Your Very Own Nigel Farage"

Later that night Frasier sat alone at his dining table going over documents and checking notes, while Daphne watched some boring British "comedy" show. Just then the landline telephone began ringing the "Frasier themesong", which made Daphne and Frasier stare at it and then at each other, Frasier raised his eyebrows and nodded in the direction of the phone; "Oh fine!" Daphne groaned, "Not like I'm a certified physio-therapist or anything!" She complained as she trodged over to the phone and answered it. "The Crane residence, certified caretaker speaking!" Daphne bellowed into the phone. "FREDERICK!" She cried happily, immediately causing Frasier to look up from his work, "You're wondering if your dad is home?" Daphne reiterated, looking at Frasier who waved his hands, signaling "no" like a madman. "Ah I'm sorry Freddy, he's just stepped out might I take a message for you?" Daphne lied while glaring at Frasier. "Oh I see!" Daphne exclaimed, "You say it's fine and he can just send a check?" Daphne replied. "Okay Freddy, I'll let him know. Goodbye." Daphne assured while hanging the phone up. "How much does he want?" Frasier hissed dryly with a scowl, "He says he needs two hundred dollars." Daphne replied. "W-what!? Two hundred dollars!?" Frasier screamed, "Why on EARTH does he need THAT much for?" "He says he needs it for his young Republicans Club meeting, and that if he doesn't get it that all of his hopes and dreams will be crushed, and he will be forced to take a job at 'Big Lots'." Daphne explained calmly while returning to her seat on the couch. "Ah well as long as it's for a just cause!" Frasier said with a nervous laugh. "Well if you're not careful you'll have your very own 'Nigel Farage' on your hands." Daphne warned. "My god!" Frasier gasped, "That sounds disgusting, is it contagious?" he inquired. "I don't know," Daphne admitted, "but you can ask the U.K. Men's water polo team."

The next day while out running errands, Frasier bumped into his ex-station manager Kenny Daly while waiting in line at a "Five Guys" hamburger restaurant;

"Frasier, longtime no see!" Kenny exclaimed. "Ah Kenneth, so good to see you!" Frasier lied. "Hey how've you been, I heard that KACL shuttered not long ago?" Kenny asked. "Well you know Kenneth it's been tough," Frasier stated. "It's been like Oedipus when scoured the desert for the last trickle of rainwater to feed to his heatstroke stallion, before rallying the Argonauts to raid Egypt!" Frasier faux waxed-poetic. "I...don't think that happened." Kenny replied confused. "Well you know it's all theoretical anyway." Frasier replied with a laugh. "Anyway what brings you here?" Frasier asked. "Oh just dropping off my work apron and gloves." Kenny replied with a sigh. "Ah another hard day's work?" Frasier inquired with a faux punch to the shoulder. "Well it was, until I was caught drinking straight from the malt machine and got fired." Kenny admitted with a frown. "Oh gosh Kenny I'm so sorry!" Frasier apologized. "It's my anxiety Doc, I can't handle the stress!" Kenny panicked. Just then the Five Guys manager glared and yelled at Kenny; "Hey Michelin Man!" he screamed, "I thought I banned you from this establishment!" He shouted as he grabbed a broom and slid across the counter like Shaft. "See ya Frasier!" Kenny yelled as he fled, "Bye Kenny!" Frasier replied with a wave. "And keep your stay-puft ass out of here!" The irate manager shouted out the door.

That evening Niles and Frasier laid in wait by Duke's, a local cop hangout and their father's favorite bar; "Oh this is so thrilling!" Niles giggled with glee. "I know, I am positively buzzing with excitement!" Frasier replied. "I am reminded of a time when Maris and I peformed a stakeout at a local Nordstrom's, we were camped out for at least thirty-six hours!" Niles regaled. "Why on earth where you camping at a Nordstrom's for so long?" Frasier inquired. "Well Maris was convinced she had lost an earring on the escalators, at first we were just searching for that one earring, but as the hours past it became like a second honeymoon, Maris and I had fun." Niles explained. "I don't think I've ever heard 'Maris' and 'fun' in the same sentence, much the same breath before now." Frasier muttered dryly. "Well..." Niles uttered, "It was the early nineties, it was a sign of the times." "Oh yes those crazy uncertain dark ages known as the 'nineties', thank God for Super Target, for allowing me to camp out in their sports department while I hunted for big game in their frozen food aisle!" Frasier ranted annoyed. "Well Frasier," Niles started, "you certainly know how to sap the fun out of any conversation." He added. "Please, my powers of social-communicative destruction are nowhere near as potent as Lilith's." Frasier replied.

Suddenly the door to Duke's opened and Martin hobbled out on his cane, turning back to wave goodbye to his fellow barmates before stepping into a yellow taxi cab and riding off down the street. "Damn it!" Frasier cursed under his breath. "Follow that cab!" Niles shouted as Frasier put the car into drive, turned the key and sped off in the same direction as Martin's cab.

Meanwhile Daphne Moon was lounging on the sofa while indulging in a box of bon-bons. The television was turned to the British Broadcasting Channel (American Version), and was watching an episode of Doctor Who; "Oi this new woman Doctor is such a prat!" Daphne groaned as she struggled to find the remote to change channels. Just then there was a quick and rapid pounding at the door, "Bloody hell!" Daphne complained as she rose from the couch and walked over to the door, turning the knob and opening it; "Pizza delivery?" asked Kenny Daly, dressed up as a Domino's deliveryman. "Well it's about bloody time!" Daphne spat, "Do you know how long I've been waiting for that Hawaiian pie?" She added. "Uh about eighteen minutes?" Kenny guessed. "Eighteen whole bloody minutes, that may as well be a whole day in the U.K!" she complained to the unassuming deliveryman. "So uh, that'll be sixteen forty-five." Kenny finally spoke up, Daphne reached into her pocket, retrieved a $20 bill and handed it to him. "Keep the change." She said before closing shut the door. Kenny turned away from the door, "Cool I finally get to keep all the change!" he exclaimed happily before doing the math in his head, "Oh wait...three bucks!?" he groaned disappointed before meandering away.

"I Would Turn Back If I Were You"

Later Frasier and Niles slowly crept along the darkened streets of the Georgetown neighborhood, derelict buildings and burning homeless fires surrounding the men; "My GOD!" Frasier gasped, "This urban setting is utterly deplorable!" He added. "I believe there's spooks around here!" Niles chittered nervously. "Aha!" Frasier gloated as he found a place to park, in a shadowy dark alley. He backed the car into the completely pitch black alley before putting the car in park and shutting it off. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN!?" Niles quietly shouted. "Niles, we've been following dad for twenty-six minutes and he's led us here. Now's our opportunity to find out what he's up to, and confront him about his SECRET income!" Frasier boldly declared. "Are you still with me...brother Watson?" Frasier queried with an open hand outstretched, "Elementary brother Holmes!" Niles replied, taking and shaking his hand.

The Crane brothers stepped out of the car before slamming shut and locking the doors. Frasier took the lead, while Niles followed him closely behind leering cautiously over his shoulder, and looking behind himself for any signs of trouble. Then the two came across a sign written in blood that read; "I would turn back if I were you!" Niles audibly gulped and loosened his tie, "That's some good advice. By Frasier!" Niles said before attempting to run before being grabbed and consequently slapped on the face by Frasier; "Come to your senses man!" Frasier scolded. "We've nearly unraveled this mystery to its core!" Frasier added. "Y-you're right Frasier." Niles admitted, consoling his now beet-red cheek. "Lead on!" he added.

Just then the Crane Brothers came across a street sign that read; "XXX Street" and the two gave each other a "wtf" look before heading onward across the street. Up ahead the men noted seeing a blonde-haired woman garbed in a blue snakeskin miniskirt and a purple halter top and matching fringe cowboy boots; "Oh. My. God!" Niles gasped, "Is this the 'hoe stroll'?" He asked aloud. "Ah of course," Frasier said "XXX-street, the hoe stroll of Seattle." Frasier opined. But before the men could gather their thoughts they were ambushed by a very large African-American hooker and a tiny midget hooker, both dressed for business and eyeing the men up and down;

"Well honey, who do we have here?" the overweight black hooker asked while adjusting her earrings. "I am Doctor Frasier Crane," Frasier introduced himself. "And this is my brother Niles Crane." he added, "Also a doctor!" Niles corrected. "Oh yea, you're the one from the radio!" The midget hooker pointed, "Latrine you remember calling into that one show?" The midget asked. "Oh yeahhh!" Latrine replied with a cackle, "Anal that was some crazy shiznit that evening." Latrine bellowed. "So what brings you gentlemen out here?" Latrine asked eyeballing Niles intensely. "We-we're," Niles stuttered, "We're looking for you!" Frasier blurted out. "What?!" Niles panicked, "You were?!" Anal and Latrine asked in unison. "Yes we were at home feeling bored and lonely and asked ourselves 'what's waiting out there for us'?" Frasier explained. Niles elbowed Frasier as he noticed the blonde hooker one street up turn, and step into the light of the lamppost and looked somewhat familiar, "Hey Frasier look!" Niles whispered as Frasier looked up and squinted, "Roz?" He said aloud, "I-I'm sorry ladies we really wish we could entertain you but we just remembered we left our father in the car." Frasier apologized. "You left your own father in the car?!" Latrine gasped in horror. "Lord have mercy!" She added. "You animals!" Anal shouted, hitting the men with her purse. "I might be a hoe but I know how to respect MY daddy!" Latrine shouted as she took off her earrings and "Ugg boots" and prepared to attack the men, who in turn high-tailed it out of there.

"Roz! ROZ!" Frasier screamed as he approached her out of breath. "Frasier, what are you doing here?" Roz asked. "I think...the better...question...is...what...are...YOU...doing...here?!" Frasier said between gasps. "I'm out here WORKING because you lost me my JOB at the station, remember?!" Roz shouted in Frasier's face. "And what's he doing here?" Roz asked, motioning to Niles as she took a drag off her cigarette "He one of those 'sickies'?" she inquired, causing Niles to wrinkle his nose and lips up into a scowl. "Roz you don't...have to do this..." Frasier gasped. "Uh actually I do!" Roz said blowing smoke in Frasier's face, "And it's 'Sheila' while I'm on the clock!" she added.

Just then Martin ambled from around the corner with a stride in his step, completely dressed in a red velvet suit, with a matching cowboy hat with a matching cape trimmed with white fur and platform-fishbowl shoes, and wielding a "bejeweled" version of his cane; "Hey Sheila I just got back from the den and...!" Martin shouted as he approached Roz before looking up from counting his money clip of hundreds of dollars and shrieked when he recognized his sons making a deal with his prostitute. "Frasier! Niles!" Martin screamed in shock, "DAD!" the men yelled in unison. "What are you doing here?!" All three shouted at the same time.

"A Reasonable Explanation"

Martin held up his hands motioning for Niles and Frasier to calm down, "Now boys calm down and let's talk this through." Martin said calmly. "Do not tone police us!" Frasier shouted, "Yea!" Niles added. "Okay, alright just keep quiet and let me explain." Martin pleaded. "KEEP QUIET!?" Frasier bellowed, "YOU ARE A GO-BETWEEN FOR SCANDAL!" Frasier cried out, "A PROCURER OF SIN!" he added dramatically. "YOU ARE PIMPING OUT THE LOWLIFE DREGS OF THIS FALLEN SOCIETY!" Frasier added eloquently. "Hey, I happen to be one of those dregs!" Roz retorted offended, "Sorry Roz." Frasier quickly apologized. "It's not what it looks like!" Martin assured, "Dad you're literally dressed like pimp, carrying money like a pimp, and were in the process of approaching a whore like a pimp." Niles explained. "HEY!" Roz yelled angrily. "Sorry Roz." Niles replied. "Okay it's exactly what it looks like!" Martin gave up. "But why dad?" Frasier wondered, "What has made you fall so low?" he asked. "Fall?" Martin queried, "Fraze I've been doing this off and on since I was on the force." Martin admitted. The Crane brothers both gasped, while Niles nearly fainted causing Frasier to hold him up by his arms. "D-did mom know at least?" Frasier inquired disgusted. "Did she know? It was her idea!" Martin replied with a crisp laugh, causing Frasier to let go of Niles and collapse himself onto the street corner. "Look it was nothing, just a little casual fun and some money on the side." Martin explained. "Dad you are PIMPING MY PRODUCER!" Frasier screamed from atop a pile of garbage bags. "Okay, okay fine you want me to quit? Fine I quit!" Martin declared, "There happy?" He sarcastically asked. Frasier and Niles both clamored to their feet, brushing off banana peels, used condoms, and a variety of other debris off their suits before regaining their composure and replying; "Fine, let's go we brought the car." Frasier stated. "Nah I'm taking the mercedes home." Martin said as he hobbled off around the corner, "You have a mercedes!?" Niles questioned. "Have had one since eighty-two!" Martin shouted back. "Coming Niles?" Frasier asked, "Hell no I'm riding in the mercedes with dad!" Niles declared as he chased after his father.

Frasier turned to face Roz, "Roz, uh 'Sheila' I'm very sorry you have to do this." He said feeling ashamed. "Why, I'm not?" Roz replied, taking a drag off her cigarette. "It's just that you're the best producer I've ever known..." "I'm the ONLY producer you've ever known." Roz corrected. "Well yes, and I hate seeing you in this condition." Frasier confessed. "Frasier this 'condition' is called the human condition, and you have to put all of your little phobias and biases away if you want to make ends meet." Roz added. "Yes, I see..." Frasier said staring down at his feet, "And little Alice?" Frasier inquired. "She's fine, she's got a month of game pass on the Xbox and she's already beaten a whole university of privileged kids." Roz added. Frasier smiled and patted Roz on the shoulder, "Well as much as I'd hate to, I have to take my leave." He stated. "Oh thank god!" Roz blurted, "I was afraid you were going to proposition me!" Roz laughed. "Roz, my god!" Frasier gasped with a look of indignation and horror plastered on his face. "Go on, I'll be fine!" Roz said, lighting up another cigarette. "See you tom..." Frasier stopped mid sentence before realizing his faux-pas in the making, "See you." He said before turning and briskly walking down the alley to where his car was parked, only to find it stripped of tires and resting onto four sets of cinder-blocks. "Oh for Christ's sake!" Frasier screamed as he kicked at the car and angrily swung his fists into the air.

"Oi!" cried an obvious British voice, panicked Frasier assumed it was his housemaid Daphne, before turning and seeing a tall white man dressed all in black with blonde slicked back hair leaning against the brick alley wall, taking a drag off of a cigarette. "Avin' some caw trouble mate?" he asked, bellowing some smoke in Frasier's direction. "Oh no, I always jack all four of my tires and...remove my own stereo system whenever I come to this part of town." Frasier ranted sarcastically. "I'd say it was bloody good advice, if ya weren't being a cheek." the man said as he unfolded his arms, tossed the cigarette to the ground and approached the car. "Aye looks like ya been hit hard, prolly a chop shop." he added. "A chop shop?" Frasier reiterated scared, "Ya mate there's a few about town, local to the area. Prolly got scared an' left the hulk behind." He explained. "W-what'll I do?" Frasier asked panicked. "Aye dun worry 'bout it mate, I'll get ya sorted, just follow me right." The man declared as he turned and began walking out of the alley. Frasier's gut instinct told him that this was very obviously a set-up, while his heart told him that he was hungry and craving some cheerio-O's and that it was also past Mr. Bottomsley's bedtime, so like the sane and logical person he is he followed the strange blond man. Frasier kept up pace with the blonde-haired bloke all the way into a secluded parking lot, where a car sat parked under a gray matte tarp. The man took an edge of the tarp and held it back as like a magician would before revealing his trick, and he yanked off the tarp completely;

"Tada!" He announced revealing a near-mint condition jet black convertible. "Oh thank god!" Frasier cried with an audible gasp, allowing himself to hug the strange man. "Wot, you thought I was gunna mug you?" the man asked, "No dear god I thought because you're British that you drove a mini-cooper!" Frasier replied relieved. The man tore open the driver's side door and slid in, "Get in, I'll drive you home but first I gotta say 'allo to mah bird right quick." he said turning the key in the ignition. "Frasier did as he was told, and quickly climbed into the leather-backed seats with flames emblazoned on them and buckled himself in. "Ah she purrs like a kitten!" Frasier noted with a smile, "Aye brilliant ainshee?" he replied. "Oh I'm Frasier by the way, you may have heard me on the radio." Frasier said with an outstretched hand, "Name's Billy," the blonde-haired bloke responded shaking his hand. "Yea you're an alright quack from what I've heard." But Frasier was too busy wondering if it would be considered "racist" to ask this obviously British man if he knew Daphne Moon, based solely upon the fact that they are both from the United Kingdom.

Billy drove Frasier down the street and pulled up by XXX-STREET and put the car in park, "Jess a seck mate, gotta go check on my bird, won't be a minute." Billy assured as he climbed out of the driver's seat. Frasier darted his head about eyeing the street up and down, realizing that this was in fact the very same "XXX Street" that Roz A.K.A 'Sheila' had been "working" at. Then it dawned on him, "My god..." Frasier droned. Billy lit up a cigarette for 'Sheila', before locking lips with her. "Ay sugar, how's yer noit been?" Billy inquired. "It's been pretty good, better now that you're here." Roz said with a wink. "You got that money for me baby?" Billy asked, kissing Roz's hand, causing her to giggle and blush. "I do, but you have to reach for it bad boy." Roz replied, licking her lips. Then Billy casually reached into Roz's cleavage and retrieved a fifty dollar bill, "You're capitol baby!" Billy muttered as he pulled Roz into an embrace and kissed her neck, "You're...you're FRASIER!" Roz screamed as she noticed the radio doctor standing a foot behind her on the sidewalk. "What the hell are you still doing here?" Roz complained. "Aye you two acquainted already?" Billy acknowledged. "He's a popular psychologist, everyone knows who he is." Roz replied. "Actually William, she is my producer." Frasier stated, "I 'WAS' your producer." Roz corrected, taking Billy's cigarette and smoking it. "Oi what's happened baby bird?" Billy asked, trying to console Roz, who vehemently denied knowing what he was talking about. "Oh...it was just some stupid mix-up with this pokemon game." She explained. "Yea you mean poker-man go?" Billy questioned. "That's the one!" Roz replied. "Ace, I love that game!" Billy declared. "That's great..." Roz said sarcastically. "Ay dock 'ow many of them 'mons do ya have?" Billy wondered. "Oh I don't know William, I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 before chucking my smart phone off the balcony in frustration." Frasier responded modestly. "While this is really great and all, I think it's time for you to drive the doctor home, BILL and we can get together later." Roz said while physically moving Frasier into the backseat of the Convertible. "Aye Roz, c'mere an plant one." Billy demanded, to which Roz obeyed. "Billy, it's 'Sheila' when I'm working." Roz said coyly. "Aw bird, yew gnaw I ain't ever going to 'member that." Billy admitted before getting in the car and driving away with Frasier waving at Roz from the backseat.

Later that night Frasier pushed open the door to his Elliott-Bay Towers condominium and stepped inside, with Billy following behind; "Tada!" Frasier announced quietly as he showed Billy the fireplace. "Noice digs Doctor Crane." Billy whispered back. "William, would you care for a glass of sherry before hitting the road?" Frasier inquired before grabbed the bottle. "Naw I'm driving 'member, need to keep ma noggin clear." Billy replied. "Ah yes, right of course!" Frasier said while softly hitting his own head and seemingly having forgotten the important lesson he had learned in the last chapter, about driving while impaired or distracted. Billy glanced down at his smart phone, before wincing at the Doctor. "Sorry mate, its midnight and I've gotta jet." Frasier nodded in understanding, "Of course I completely understand." He replied. "But how 'bout we meet up this weekend, oil bring ma bird and you bring yours we'll paint the town red!" Billy declared. Frasier's eyes lit up like a little kid unwrapping the perfect Christmas present, or a teenage girl being asked to the prom by her crush. "O-of course William, I'd love that!" Frasier blurted like a girl in heat, "I-I mean ACES!" he shouted, "Capitol idea mate!" He yelled as he slapped Billy on the shoulder before ushering him out the door and bidding him good night. Frasier then turned his back to the door, his eyes in a daze with a lovelorn look plastered across his face with visible pink and red cartoon hearts popping in and out, and dancing above his head.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier dressed up like a typical 1950's greaser wearing a black pompadour wig and pretending to comb his hair while leaning up against Billy's black convertible and trying to impress two teenage girls. Billy and Roz get into the car unbeknownst to Frasier who is still posturing and drive off, causing him to fall on the ground and the girls laugh and walk away.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 

NEXT Episode 6: "Confessions of a 40-Something, Single White Male Drama Queen"

Frasier 2020 Episode 4: "Wrecksual Education"

 

Frasier 4.0: "Wrecksual Education"

"Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"

Frasier was finishing up his closing spiel while Roz motioned with her hands for him to "hurry it up", which he obviously ignored in lieu of doling out more useless wisdom to the Seattle masses;

"And that Seattle, is why I choose Jif!" Frasier declared as he unscrewed a jar of Jif Peanut butter and began enthusiastically eating it over the air. "PHECUBS JEWSY MONGS JEWS PIFF!" Frasier bellowed into his microphone, mouth full of peanut butter.

Frasier shut off the mic and looked over to Roz, "How was that?" he inquired, "Do you think they'll be choosing Jif?" Roz folded her arms and pointed to the clock, "They won't be choosing it on account of you." She pointed out. "W-What why not!?" Frasier panicked looking at the clock on the wall and his own wristwatch, "Because you were going overtime, I had to cut you off five minutes ago!" Roz explained. "D'oh phooey Roz!" Frasier moaned, ripping the headset from his cranium, and tossing it onto the desktop before grabbing an entire handful of Jif peanut butter and cramming it into his mouth.

Just then station manager Kate Costas approached the recording studio and pried open the door before stepping in, "Frasier, Roz you did wonderful tonight." Kate declared. "Thank you Kate." Roz replied, "SPANK CUE HATE!" Frasier also said with a mouthful of peanut butter. "Frasier I would have preferred you to have pitched the Jif ad a little earlier..." Kate admitted, "HEEL COW FUCH PEARLER?" Frasier questioned, sounding reminiscent of his Cockney housemaid. "Like five minutes before cut off." Kate responded looking down at her Armani wristwatch. "Oh Roz!" Frasier complained, "You could have at least warned me!" he added. "Uh Frasier I did warn you." Roz retaliated. "Really, when?" Frasier demanded, "When I said 'Frasier you're off in five'." Roz replied. "Oh..." Frasier said embarrassed.

"As much as I enjoy watching the two of you one up each other I have places to go," Kate stated. "But Frasier I wanted to know if you were interested in attending a live showing of 'To Wong Foo' with me tonight?" Kate asked. "To Wong Foo, that sounds like something I should be familiar with." Frasier said to himself, "It sounds foreign and sexy and exotic..." "It's a movie about drag queens on the lamb." Roz interrupted. "Oh!" Frasier replied with surprise. "Well actually Kate, you know how I love the theater but I really must attend to my British Short-hair 'Mister Bottomsley', he is very demanding of his daddy's time." Frasier admitted. "Well alright Frasier, but I think you're missing out." Kate said with a click of her tongue. "Actually Kate I never pictured you the type of woman who liked..." Frasier hesitated. "That I liked...?" Kated reiterated, "That you like comedies." Frasier blurted nervously. "Like them? Oh I love them!" Kate responded happily, "And To Wong Foo is like the Queen of 90's comedy cinema." Kate declared. "Really, I had no idea you held such a high opinion of slapstick genderbent filmography." Frasier noted. "To Wong Foo; Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar," Kate said. "Now if she can like it, then I can like it." Kate added before stepping out of the recording studio. "I don't think that means what she thinks it means." Roz said dryly.

"Snooty Cheese Eatery"

Meanwhile Martin sat on his lazy boy watching one of his many "documentaries", while Eddie slept on the sofa. Martin rifled through a bag of Doritos and popped open a 3 liter of Mountain Dew and took a huge chug straight from the bottle. The "documentary", focusing on certain 1970's White males cruising public bathrooms for Black females, in a New York subway. "Now we're getting good!" Martin exclaimed happily while fumbling to undo his belt buckle, just as the front door swung open and in stepped Frasier. "Damn it!" Martin cursed under his breath as he draped a blanket over his lap and quickly changed the channel to the Home Shopping Network. "Hi dad." Frasier said as he looked through the mail and placed his coat up on the coat rack by the door. "Hi Fraze, how was your day?" Martin inquired. "Oh you know how it is; another day another crazy person to cure." Frasier explained.

Frasier glared at Eddie who didn't move an inch from his spot on the sofa, and attempted to "scoot" him aside, using a rolled up newspaper as a push pole. "Eddie please move." Frasier asked impatiently. "That's his favorite spot Fraze, he loves it there." Martin pointed out. "Well it also happens to be Mister Bottomsley's favorite spot as well." Frasier declared, "Speaking of which where IS Mister Bottomsley?" Frasier inquired. "He took off like a bat out of hell when Eddie came in." Martin explained. "Dad that's terrible and you're acting like it's funny?!" Frasier chastised. "Yea it kind of was actually." Martin replied.

Daphne trudged out of her room carrying Mr. Bottomsley on both hands and began to complain to Frasier in her usual unintelligible Cockney dialect; "OI WHEY JEW KOOP END KATE MONKEY WOMB EH!?" she yelled angrily. "Ah thank you Daphne!" Frasier cried as he happily took Mr. Bottomsly from the irate housemaid. "AISLE HALF MEW GNOME MAI ALOE JERK TOES KATES!" Daphne ranted as she trotted off to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Frasier sat down on the couch opposite Eddie and began stroking Mr. Bottomsley's fur gently while acting like an entitled parent. "Yes you're a good boy Mister Bottomsley, yes you are!" Frasier cooed, causing Martin to scowl and roll his eyes in disgust. "So uh, Fraze got any plans for tonight?" Martin inquired. "Well after being on the wait list forever, Niles and I managed to get reservations to an extremely bourgeois and overpriced French restaurant 'Le Puque'." Frasier announced. "Oh well hopefully you haven't been waiting too long." Martin replied. "We've only been waiting for twenty years." Frasier replied casually. "Twenty years?!" Martin replied shocked, "You could have gotten in and out of Club Thirty-three in Disneyland in the time it took to get those reservations!" He cried. "Ah but do they serve 'moufette du sauce au sang le fromage'?" Frasier asked sarcastically. "I don't know what that is but if you like it, then I'm sure it's gross." Martin replied assuredly. Frasier waved away his father's comment before getting up and pouring himself a glass of sherry from the wine cabinet.

Martin rose from his seat gripping his cane and hobbled past Frasier, "Well have fun at your 'snooty' cheese eatery." Martin said rudely, "I'm going to turn in for the night and enjoy a nature documentary." he continued, "come on Eddie!" he shouted, causing the little dog to instantly jump off the sofa and follow his master down the hall into his bedroom. "Yes, do enjoy your 'documentary'." Frasier said dryly, narrowing his eyes.

Just then the doorbell rang twice, and Frasier placed his glass of sherry on the table and walked over to the door and opened, it revealing Niles standing in the doorway; "Frasier." Niles announced, "Niles." Frasier replied. "Are we ready to take our taste buds to Xanadu?" Niles asked with excited fervor. Niles shut the door behind him as he followed Frasier into the living/dining area and joined him at the table; "Share a bottle of sherry for the road?" Frasier offered, presenting the bottle before his brother. "Of course my good man, an occasion such as this requires the upmost merriment and glee!" Niles replied. Niles pulled out a chair as his brother poured him a glass of sherry, "Oh Frasier I just had a thought!" he blurted out. "Go on then Niles, let's hear it." Frasier replied. "What if we went to restaurant dressed in STYLE?" Niles supposed, causing Frasier to squint his eyes and strum his chin in deep concentration. "Are you suggesting we arrive dressed up as our favorite characters?" Frasier wondered, to which Niles nodded excitedly and rapidly.

The doorbell rang a series of three consecutive rings each causing Frasier and Niles to pause and stare at each other in confusion; "Niles you didn't mention bringing anyone with you." Niles looked over at the door and then back to his brother, "That's because I didn't!" Niles admitted, "My dear Maris tired herself out screaming at the help and will be on bed rest for the better half of the week." He explained. "Well who on God's green earth could it possibly be?" Frasier demanded as he stomped toward the door, gripped the knob and swung it open.

On the other end of the door stood Kate Costas, the station manager of KACL along with Roz Doyle, Bill "Bulldog" Briscoe, Gil Chesterton, Noel Shempsky, as well as the rest of the KACL staff. Frasier's eyes widened as he glared at the workplace mob standing before him; "W-why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier asked nervously. "You did!" Kate replied, pushing past Frasier with the mob following her into the condominium. "B-but what's the meaning of this?" Frasier asked confused. "Do you remember that big pokemon fad from a week ago?" Kate interrogated. "M-maybe, possibly, could you elaborate?" Frasier pleaded. "One of our employees was leaving the station when some moron on a segway ran him over, knocking him down fifty flights of stairs and landing him in the ICU." Kate explained, causing Niles to drop down to the floor and discretely roll away down the hall. "Oh my god so that's what happened to Kenny?!" Frasier gasped. "No Kenny's fine, he was fired for eating too much." Kate added, "Ed McGuirk is in a coma at Virginia Mason, and frankly the station can't afford his medical fees or impending lawsuit once he recovers." Kate added, "IF he recovers." Bulldog Briscoe interjected optimistically.

Frasier just looked on at Kate and the crowd with a stunned and shocked look, "That's terrible, but..." Frasier started, "BUT our insurance providers assured us that they would cover us so long as the ENTIRE station took a distracted driving seminar." Kate interrupted. Frasier stumbled and slouched on the sofa trying to regain his composure as the mob encircled him, "And you're all here because..." Frasier asked. "We're here because we have exactly twenty-four hours to take and complete this course before the insurers revoke our coverage, we file for bankruptcy and all of us are out of a job!" Kate explained. "Oh...ah I-I see..." Frasier muttered, his eyes welling up with tears. "We could have done this at the station but somebody is living in the eighties and doesn't own a personal mobile phone!" Kate nagged at Frasier. "Even I own one!" Gil Chesterton exclaimed, "It's hot pink and plays 'raining men' for some reason whenever it rings...isn't that weird?" "Yea," Roz said, "Really weird!" eyeballing Gil up and down.

"I'll have a steak"

Somehow Niles and Martin managed to sneak out of the apartment without either Frasier or the angry KACL mob noticing them, and Niles managed to convince Martin to attend dinner with him at the fancy French Le Puque restaurant; "I still can't believe I let you talk me into coming to this place." Martin groaned while searching the menu. "I know isn't it fabulous?" Niles chittered excitedly. "I would have felt way more comfortable at someplace like the 'Timber Mill'." Martin confessed. "Ah yes, where you can pick your own steak straight from the wagon!" Niles patronized. "That's right!" Martin cried, "And I'll have you know those steaks are all prime American-grown!" he declared. "Alright, alright let's just calm down and enjoy the evening shall we?" Niles suggested. "I don't know Niles, I can't event pronounce half the names on this thing." Martin replied.

Just then a very tall, very pale, very thin and extremely snooty-looking French man goose stepped over to Niles' table, with his extremely pointy noise sticking directly up in the air and notepad in hand inquired about the gents' orders; "And what is sir having for dîner this evening?" Niles looked down at the menu, "I will have the Renard au jus du mort." Niles answered confidently. "Magnifique!" The waiter croaked happily before turning his attention to Martin, "And for you sir?" he slithered with a French forked-tongue. "Uhhh...do ya got any burgers?" Martin inquired, staring down at the menu. "Excuse moi?" questioned the waiter, "Ve do not serve 'amburger at zis establishment!" he cried angrily. "Ah okay, I'll have a steak then." Martin replied. "Oui oui, un filet mignon." the stuffy waiter recited before putting away his notepad, and slithering away into the shadows, meanwhile Niles glared at his father who was feasting away on the basket of french bread totally oblivious.

"A Pompous Snorlax"

An hour or so later, Frasier had managed to rearrange his entire living/dining-rooms into a giant classroom. Roz sat on the sofa in-between Bulldog Briscoe and Noel Shempsky, while Gil Chesterton, and Kate Costas sat at the dining table. The remaining KACL staff sat on the floor around the apartment; "So where is our mystery tutor?" Frasier chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "Her name is Julia Wilcox, and she is a former sexual harassment lecturer." Kate replied, obviously annoyed. "Gee Kate, you seem...stressed?" Frasier noted. "It's nine forty-five, and I'm already missing the opening narration of To Wong Foo." Kate muttered angrily. Just then there was a brisk pounding at the door, "That's probably her." Frasier announced, getting to his feet. "You just stay put Romeo, the last thing a harassment coordinator needs to deal with is a pompous Snorlax." Kate rebuked as she stood up and briskly walked over to the entryway.

Kate reached for the doorknob, turned and pulled back the door revealing a "smartly dressed" blond haired woman with a medium-length haircut in a business pantsuit. The woman adjusted her hair in a small compact before closing and putting it in her clutch, "Kate!" She happily squealed, "Julia!" Kate cried equally as happy. "I had absolutely NO IDEA you would be among the slobs I had to lecture to tonight!" Julia confessed. "Well actually I'm technically not part of the class," Kate admitted. "I'm really just here as an overseer." "Well you sure oversaw this crowd." Julia said as she stepped into the apartment, glaring at all of the KACL staff in disgust and swallowing back bile and turned facing Kate, "My god!" she said sucking in air through her teeth, "There's room for everybody, let's just say that." she added, to which Kate merely nodded ashamedly in response.

Julia then faced the KACL crowd, reached into her purse and retrieved a silver whistle, "Okay you scum, whenever I blow this whistle it means shut up, drop what you're doing, and pay attention to me! Got it?" She screamed at the class. A nervous woman shakily raised her hand in the air, "What is it!?" Julia screeched. "D-does that apply to e-everything...?" the nervous girl asked, obviously afraid. Julia let out an extremely loud and arrogant sigh before rolling her eyes, "DUH!" she shouted at full volume. "I don't care if you're picking your nose, breastfeeding, performing open-heart surgery!" she bellowed angrily, "When you butthole surfers hear this goddamn whistle you drop EVERYTHING and listen!" Julia screamed, her face now as red as a tomato.

An hour later of lecturing, Julia and Kate stood by the fireplace whispering and gossiping while the KACL staff spread out across the living-room, each person working on their essays. Frasier sank into his chair with a scowl carved into his face, now realizing that it was his brother Niles' obession with pokemon go that caused this entire mess to happen in the first place; ("This is all Niles' fault!") Frasier thought to himself, ("I'll KILL him!") he screamed internally, then he had a change of heart; ("Actually I can't bring myself to kill my brother, what would I say to dad? But I can kill Maris, and in fact it was her fault he got addicted to that damn game!") Frasier thought angrily to himself, a smug smirk of accomplishment gradually forming across his face, ("Yes I can kill Maris, I'll be regaled as a hero and be celebrated the world over!") he internalized. "Crane!" Julia screamed from across the room, causing Frasier to snap out of it, "Stop posturing and write your goddamn essay!" Frasier nervously turned in his seat and began writing the fifty word essay on "why It's bad to drive about the city while visually impaired and/or distracted".

Then the door to Daphne's room creaked open and the Cockney housemaid meandered out into the hallway, and into the dining/living-room area; "OI MOTTS DEAFS BEES POLES GROOM BEN HAM FAIR?!" Daphne shouted confused and angry, her face obscured by a lime-green face mask composed of guacamole and cucumbers covering her eyes. The KACL staff all shrieked and screamed in unionized terror and fled the condominium, forsaking their assignments and abandoning their instructor and supervisor in the process. Julia glared at the limey woman in shock then turned to Kate, "It's been fun but this is too much!" before darting out the door. Kate angrily turned to Frasier and glared at him, "My essay is finished!" Frasier announced nervously, to Kate's chagrin. "And so is our coverage!" Kate howled as she grabbed her coat off of the couch and approached the door before stopping and turning, "And don't bother coming into work tomorrow, you either Doyle!" "Oh are we getting the day off?" Frasier inquired happily. "Yea," Kate replied "Permanently!" Kate growled back before leaving and slamming shut the door.

The room was silent for a minute, before Bulldog Briscoe stood up from the sofa and approached Daphne; "So you like short, toxic bald guys?" Daphne just glared at him as a cucumber fell out of her eye and into her open mouth. "OI GOOSE DISNEY BORED MUNG TOQUE PARKOUR?!" Daphne growled annoyed. "Oh just take him to your room and shut up already!" Frasier groaned. Daphne stormed off down the hall, with Bulldog following in close pursuit. Just then Gil Chesterton entered from the hallway wearing Frasier's housecoat, and attempting to conceal several pockets bursting with stolen men's boxer shorts. "Well I hate to be a ‘Buzz Killington’ but I simply must get home to my Deb!" Gil announced, "Toodles!" He cried before attempting to flee from the apartment, "Hold it!" Frasier yelled, causing Gil to freeze in place. "Drop my ten-thousand thread count Egyptian cotton bath robe!" Frasier demanded, to which Gil complied and then tried opening the door, only for Frasier to slam it shut and hold it in place. "And the Malaysian silk boxer shorts." he added, which Gil reluctantly removed from his bursting pockets. "Now give me your wallet!" Frasier hissed dryly, which made Gil glare at him wide-eyed and in shock. "Your wallet or I shall call the cops!" Frasier threatened, forcing Gil to reach into his European Men's carry-all, retrieve his wallet and toss it at Frasier before storming off upset, his high heels clacking on the lacquered floor.

Frasier shut and locked the door before turning to face Roz, triumphantly waving the wallet before Roz's face; "I got some free money!" Frasier announced happily. "Yea well you're gonna need it!" Roz ranted, grabbing her coat and purse. "Roz what's wrong?" Frasier questioned. "You lost us our jobs Frasier!" Roz proclaimed, "You got us fired!" She added. "That's impossible!" Frasier balked, "None of this was MY doing!" Frasier defended. "Tell that to Kate Costas, because as she's concerned it's YOUR fault!" Roz cried. "Roz, please have some wine, stay the night!" Frasier pleaded desperately. "Frasier, I gotta go." Roz stated before opening the door, stepping out and shutting it.

Frasier takes the bottle of sherry, walks over and plops down on the couch while drinking straight from the bottle. Mr. Bottomsley comes slinking in from the hallway and pounces onto Frasier, lighting his face up as he surfs the various channels on his forty inch flatscreen TV for a "documentary" to watch.

(End Credits roll, shows a half-naked Bulldog groping Daphne as she tries making breakfast in the kitchen. She reaches for a spatula and smacks him across the head with it, which only causes him to act even more aggressively. Daphne then pulls out a butcher knife and motions for him to remove his underwear, which he does and forces him out on the balcony and shuts and locks the sliding glass door before retiring to her room with a cup of tea, leaving a naked Bulldog Briscoe to attempt to scurry down the side of the building via a rain gutter)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 NEXT Episode 5: "How I Spent My Unemployment"

Frasier 2020 Episode 3: "Insomniac in Seattle"

 

Frasier 3.0: "Insomniac in Seattle"

"Down With the Proletariat"

Frasier worked the late shift at KACL studio, stuck in his recording booth with Roz overseeing the production from the adjoining booth. Roz's eyes began slamming shut as her head bobbed backward and forward while Frasier droned on and on into the microphone, spouting some pro-communist and pro-Putin propaganda from his little red "people's manifesto."

"And that ladies and gentlemen of the people's republic of America, is why we must continue the good fight against the establishment, and break borders between our bourgeois and proletariat cousins!" Frasier rambled into the microphone with a passion of a thousand suns.

Just then the red light buzzed jolting Roz awake who immediately cut into Frasier's feed, "I'm sorry Doctor Crane but we're out of time." Roz spoke elegantly into the microphone. "Ah of course, and as always Seattle; buy my products!" Frasier concluded before shutting off his microphone and taking his set off of his head. Frasier turned his head to look at Roz through the producer's window, giving her a “thumbs up” replete with a face resonant of smug self-accomplishment. Roz scowled at Frasier before shutting off the the light to the "on-air" sign. "Well Roslyn, another successful night of broadcasting!" Frasier gleefully announced as Roz grabbed her purse and coat and glared at him, "I was supposed to be at home hours ago!" She hissed, "And don't call me 'Roslyn'!" she yelled. "I'm sorry Roz I thought we were on a roll?" Frasier apologized smugly. "Well if it weren't for you upsetting Kate, we wouldn't be stuck on the graveyard shift!" Roz complained, "I've had to leave little Alice alone with the xbox and Call of Duty to keep her company." She added. "Roz, you're not worried about all of that simulated video game violence?" Frasier inquired. "Nah, she's a great shot with an assault rifle." Roz replied, "It's the whiny, fedora-wearing, circlejerk of neckbeards that I'm worried about." she continued. "Well if it's any consolation I was once an ace at boggle back in my day." Frazier admitted. "I'll keep that in mind when I shop for an ‘au-pair’." Roz replied sarcastically.

"Mister Genius"

Frasier and Niles argued as they exited the elevator and into the hallway of the Elliott-Towers condominium, Frasier retrieved his keys and unlocked the door and pushed his way into the condo. "Niles why on earth do you insist on buying those mass-produced, preservative-loaded, pure sugar diabetes drinks?" Frasier groaned as he threw his blazer onto the sofa near Mr. Bottomsley, and marched over to his wine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of sherry. "Oh none for me!" Niles quipped as he reached into his coat and pulled out an XL size can of "Monster Energy Drink". "Ah yes of course, your go to 'energy' supplement." Frasier snarked as he poured a glass of sherry for himself and angrily slammed the bottle down on the table. "Frasier, I swear this drink is literally, LITERALLY the second-coming!" Niles cried in ecstasy. "Poppycock!" Frasier refuted, "There is absolutely no way that some artificial, man-made, green sludge drink is anything other than toxic!" Frasier argued. "It's wonderful!" Niles moaned as he poured more of the sugary beverage down his throat. "The more of that crap you drink, the more your hair and eyelashes will fall out!" Frasier pointed out.

Just then Daphne came in from the kitchen garbed in a burlap work dress, wearing yellow rubber dish gloves and goggles. "ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE ANNE DOCKTA CROYNE!" She greeted, "US JEW GONG TOOTH DAY BROOCH DISNEY HALF JUNE?" she inquired. Niles and Frasier just stared at Daphne with raised eyebrows, wondering to themselves what the hell she was babbling on about. "OI GOAT JEW EGG SPAETZEL BRAD BUSH!" the cockney housemaid exclaimed. "Daphne, go away." Frasier groaned annoyed. The limey psychic shrugged before meandering off into the hallway, and out of sight.

Niles and Frasier sat opposite of each other on the living-room sofa, while Mr. Bottomsley hopped down and scampered out of sight. "Niles, I insist that you end thus buffoonery at once!" Frasier demanded. "Oh pshaw Frasier," Niles replied, "It's harmless fun!" he added. "Yes, yes 'harmless fun'!" Frasier retorted, "That's what they said about the sixties and now we have 'flower power', 'peace and love' and 'girl power'!" Frasier ranted. Immediately Niles' cell phone went off playing the theme to Different Strokes, he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved his pink flip-phone and answered it. "Hello Maris my dear!" Niles exclaimed, causing Frasier to scowl with an eye roll. "You need what now?" Niles questioned, "You need how many? By when?" Niles asked, while Frasier sat glaring at him. "Oh okay honey, alright dear I'll have them all by ten!" Niles assured, "Okay bye bye." He said hanging up the phone. "What does her highness require of you this time?" Frasier inquired sarcastically. "Oh nothing much, just a couple of South American cockatoo eggs." Niles explained, "Why on earth does she need those for?" Frasier questioned. "Well it'll be time for breakfast in twelve hours" Niles said looking at his wristwatch, "And she's feeling like something exotic for the occasion." He added. "Oh I see..." Frasier muttered.

Suddenly there was a loud scream, followed by Eddie scurrying out from the hallyway into the living-room. Niles and Frasier exchanged worried looks before rising from their seats on the sofa and watched as Martin hobbled out from the hallway into the living-room. "That damn dog!" Martin screeched. "Dad what's the matter?" Frasier inquired. "Well for your information 'Mister Genius', the dog bit me!" Martin exclaimed. "Well that does it, we'll have to euthanize!" Frasier declared. "Where did he bite you dad?" Niles inquired. "Well...He uh..." Martin hesitated, "I was watching one of my documentaries..." Martin explained. "Ah yes...'those' documentaries." Frasier and Niles said in unison. "Well you know how I'm fond of the travel channel!" Martin cried, "Anyway I may have gotten just a bit too warm laying in bed like I was, so I may have taken off a few layers of clothes...and he may have mistaken my sausage for a 'SNAUSAGE'!" Martin explained. "WHAT?!" Frasier and Niles both exclaimed shocked, "Shhh!" Martin shushed with his hands, "Keep it down will ya, I don't need Mary Poppins in there overhearing!" Martin cried.

Just then Daphne came waltzing into the living-room carrying a bucket full of water and a scrub brush, "OI JEW GANJA ALPS MEAT CLAM UBER DAM TOYS LID?!" she inquired, brushing hair from out of her face. "Anyway I must be going, Maris simply must have her rare exotic bird eggs for breakfast otherwise she will be so disappointed!" Niles exclaimed before hurrying out the front door, "Uh yea and I need to take Eddie down to the vet to be euthanized!" Martin shrieked as he grabbed Eddie's leash and lured him out of the apartment. "Oh yes and I must be going off to my office at KACL...I misplaced my...my medicinal marijuana!" Frasier cried as he hurried out the door after his dad and brother.

"Best Served Cold"

Later that night Frasier accompanied Niles on an all-night shopping trip all across Seattle; visiting many historic fish markets, delicatessens, bakeries and import stores in order to allocate a set of exotic cockatoo eggs.

"Niles, I must admit this little late-night excursion has me feeling fifteen again!" Frasier admitted with a laugh. "Just don't let the cops overhear you saying that!" Niles replied, looking over his shoulder and around the corners. "N-Niles we have what Maris wanted yes?" Frasier inquired. "Oh yes, she will be absolutely overjoyed once I return home with all four of these extremely rare, exotic, prized South American Cockatoo eggs!" Niles proclaimed happily while jiggling his grocery bag.

Just then Niles' cell phone buzzed and he quickly flipped the flip-phone open to answer it, "Hello? Ah yes Maris my dear we were just talking about..." He greeted before stopping midway, "You what?" He asked, dropping the bag of extremely rare and exotic bird eggs. "Y-you're not hungry anymore...like at all?" He asked, "Maybe you eat them later as a snack?" Niles wondered. "I see...y-you're not hungry at all, ever again, period." He added, Frasier glaring at the bag of now smashed cockatoo eggs and back to his brother. "Okay darling, of course, yes, goodbye." Niles said before flipping shut the flip-phone.

Frasier slowly approached his now distraught looking brother and opened his arms up for a quick public embrace. "Niles, what's wrong?" Frasier asked. "She doesn't want the eggs." Niles replied. "At all?" Frasier inquired. "Ever again, period!" Niles added, and kicked the bag of smashed eggs angrily. "That Maris sent you on a wild goose chase...and for NOTHING!" Frasier announced angrily. "My god, you're right!" Niles gasped. "She has wasted forty-eight hours of my life that I will NEVER get back!" Niles shouted angrily. "What are you going to do about it Niles?" Frasier wondered, "I know what I'm going to do about it!" Niles said reaching into his trouser pocket and retrieving a .38 handgun before cocking the chamber. "Now Niles, we all know revenge is a delicacy best served cold!" Frasier said dryly and coldly as he winked and raised an eyebrow at Niles, who did the same in turn. "But it's been many, many hours and now I'm hopped up on Monster Energy Drink!" Frasier panicked, "What am I going to do?" he cried worriedly. "Let's go to the Space Needle!" Niles declared excitedly, "Okay but then what?!" Frasier asked. "I don't know, we'll make something up!" Niles replied as the two fully grown men ran off skipping through the streets at night to see who gets to the Space Needle first.

"Festoon of Fools"

Later that night Frasier sat dead asleep in his broadcasting studio, Roz also in a deep sleep from her producer's seat. The line buzzed with chatter from one of the late-night callers, "Hello Doctor Crane?" the frantic caller demanded, "Doctor Crane I'm going to do it I swear!" the frantic caller exclaimed, "Don't try and talk me down!" the frantic caller pleaded before there was radio silence for a full minute before a loud gunshot resonated on the airwaves.

The lines buzzed and the call board lit-up with more calls phoning in, then suddenly station manager Kate Costas hurried down the hall and approached Frasier's booth. She pressed her face against the glass and glared at Frasier and Roz who were both dead asleep. Kate slammed her fists on the glass window before ripping open the studio door and letting herself in, "WAKE UP YOU FESTOON OF FOOLS!" Kate shouted at full volume, "HELLO THE LIGHT IS ON, YOU'RE LIVE!" She screamed at the sleeping duo, both of whom immediately jolted awake. "Oh-oh Kate, we were just conducting a study on...on insomniacs!" Frasier lied. Roz sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "Where the hell am I?" She questioned. "At the studio, where you're supposed to be WORKING!" Kate screeched before turning and slamming shut the door. "Gee, what's her problem?" Frasier wondered glancing at Roz who was again fast asleep. "Good idea Roz." Frasier commended as he switched off his headset, crawled onto the studio desktop and curled into a ball to sleep.

(End Credits roll, shows Martin and the Veterinarian attempting to lure Eddie into the euthanasia clinic by presenting a squeaky toy and a rawhide chew toy to him, but he runs away causing Martin and the vet to chase after him across Seattle traffic.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 NEXT Episode 4: "Wrecksual Education"