Ghost or Not; My Friend's Strange Uber Request (Ogden, UT)

 My friend works part time as a Lyft/Uber driver around the Ogden metro area and recently shared this story with me.

*NOTE: this story is from his perspective.

Normally I work remotely from home, checking security certificates and filing reports. It doesn't sound like much, but it can be an all day job. Once a month my job requires me to show up at the Salt Lake City office for a mandatory in-person meeting.


Around Early summer of 2022, I was leaving SLC to head back home to Ogden for the day when I remembered that I had installed the Uber app and had registered as a driver some time ago. While I had never actually picked up a rider before, I figured that the drive from SLC to Ogden might earn me some nice spending money, and since it was during the active hours (it was around 12-1:00 PM) I was destined to get a bite somewhere.


I activated the app and within minutes several potential riders pinging. I looked over the ones in my immediate vicinity, and most of them were only going as far as a mile, which I figured wouldn't be as rewarding to me financially. I saw one that wanted to be picked up here in SLC and be driven all the way out to Ogden, that's where I was going anyway and I accepted the rider.


Long story short, the rider was a normal college-age female with a friend. I dropped her and her friend off at the destination in the Weber State University parking lot, pressed 'drop off' and perused the app for other potential riders since I figured I had at least one more in me. One particular ride request had suddenly appeared.


The pick-up location wasn't far and was in the vicinity of Ogden itself, and the destination was all the way into Clearfield, which was a good 2-3 Towns over. So I accepted and thought nothing of it. As I continued on the road I noticed that the pick-up location was something like "Ogden 10th Ave and Martin Hilltop Dr", which sounded familiar but didn't immediately stand out to me. So after zig-zagging through some little suburbs and one or two good busy streets is when I come to it and then it dawned on me, "Ogden 10th Ave and Martin Hilltop Dr" is at the fucking cemetery.


I pulled over out of the way of traffic, parallel parking at the curb directly across the street from the cemetery. By this time it was something like 3:00 or 3:30 PM, traffic from SLC to Ogden has always been hectic. It was still light out, but it didn't change the fact that my rider was pinging from the Ogden Cemetery.


I had a thought that perhaps it was a glitch in the system; Uber's navigation and tracking has never exactly been 1:1 and it routinely leads drivers to pick up locations that are inaccurate. I decided to test it by canceling the ride. I sat waiting in my car, phone in hand waiting to see if the potential rider would perhaps reset its location or something, but no it was still there pinging from the Ogden Cemetery.


I wondered if perhaps it was just someone without a car who was visiting the grave of a deceased loved one. It was recently Memorial Day, which in my mind made sense. It didn't make accepting the ride a second time  and proceeding through into the actual cemetery any easier.

On the drive into the Ogden City Cemetery it was deserted, like there was no one around. There were however signs that people had been in and out in the past few days, paying respects to their loved ones as many graves had been decorated with patriotic decor and flowers. The idea that it might be a disabled or car-less person, just needing a ride from visiting their deceased relative was comforting, but not enough to ease away the butterflies in my stomach.


I reviewed the details and as it turned out, I was already pretty close to my pick up. It was a section of the cemetery intersection 10 Avenue and Martin Hilltop Drive, which was near the very back, far left corner of the place. If you've never been or aren't from Ogden Utah, the Cemetery here is huge and sprawling, filled with many graves from the pioneer and World War II eras.


I glanced at the details again and the alleged rider's name was C. Cunningham...odd I thought, as usually it would only list a first name and no initials. I continued along the drive, noticing that as I progressed through the cemetery, more and more headstones began to look dilapidated, displaced, or outright destroyed. Also in this area the trees have taken on a very odd appearance of 'bulging' at the trunk giving the appearance of being pregnant. I think it's called a "burl" or "burr" and has something to do with a deformed growth from within the tree's ecosystem.


On the trees, one thing that my mind randomly conjured up was an old elemetary school memory of some of my peers on the playground informing me that those "pregnant trees" for lack of a better term, were in fact evil. The bulging was caused by a ghost or spirit desperate to regain a living body that it possessed a tree and became stuck and created the abnormal appearance. I thought that was all hogwash, but of course driving through a cemetery road lined with several of these dead and honestly demonic-looking trees makes me feel less confident in my original assertion.



I came up on ‘10 Ave’, it was along the evil tree-lined street. Lots of decayed, toppled over and outright destroyed headstones and they appear to have very little in the way of care to them. These graves were old, like really old. If you've seen any Documentary on Salem, Witchcraft or Halloween in old America then you've seen the types of headstones; slate gray or solid white, the epitaph more or less erased from decades of sun decay. Likely these graves have no living relatives to visit them, which explains the lack of flowers or Memorial Day decor.


Martin Hilltop Drive, it was just around the bend and curves straight back and around, my rider is very near now. What's unsettling is that there are lots and I mean hundreds of graves in this cemetery as well as bigger pine trees that obscures my view and prevents me from seeing who may be waiting for me ahead.


"In five-hundred yards, pick up 'C. Cunningham'." my GPS droned out in that dreadful monotone voice. As I rounded the bend, I dropped my car to a crawl. I could see pretty clear ahead of me now that I was away from the trees, but I saw no one. They might still be paying respects at a grave I thought. "In two-hundred yards, pick up 'C. Cunningham'." Well I can easily see two hundred yards ahead of me, and I saw no one or nothing waiting for me.


I kept the car crawling; slowly inching my way through the old cemetery road eying the different graves on either side until I came to an abrupt end, the very corner of the road, a particularly dead-looking treet overhangs some indiscernible graves. "Pick up 'C. Cunningham'," my GPS blurted out plainly. I looked around on either side of the street, there's no way anyone is waiting for me here...because there was no one here. I decided to wait for a one solid minute, and if I didn't someone approach the car from around that ugly tree then I was canceling and getting the hell out of there.


"Pick up 'C. Cunningham'," my GPS droned again. I reached for the lock button and locked all of the doors of my car without second thought, IF there really was someone in need of a ride then they could verify their order as they approach. Keeping my hands in a death grip on the steering wheel, I gazed into the rear view mirror, having a thought that someone could in fact be trying to stealthily enter my car or pull a weapon on me. Ogden does have a criminal element and a small gang presence, even if diminished due to recent gentrification projects throughout the city. Even so, I didn't want to risk it.


"Pick up 'C. Cunningham'," my GPS ordered once again, like a drill sergeant issuing a command. That's it, it had been one full minute and no one was coming, because there was NOBODY to get. Eying the area once more before taking off, my eyes did notice a couple of distinctly older-looking headstones nestled quietly underneath the overgrown ugly tree. None of them stood out to me as being noteworthy, but they were remarkably old, like probably prohibition or civil war era old.


Feeling spooked enough as it was, I floored it out of there. My GPS didn't hesitate to scold me again, "In 1 yard, in 5 yards, in half a mile pick up 'C. Cunningham'." This had to be a glitch I thought as I reached for my phone, "In two miles, pick up; 'C. Cunningham'." the GPS once again commanded. I was ready to cancel and shut the GPS up for the night, but as I reached to cancel my eyes caught notice of something startling in the ride details; rider, 'C. Cunningham'. Location of course was the Ogden Cemetery, but the destination...Clearfield, not just anywhere in Clearfield, no. It wanted dropped off at the Clearfield Cemetery. I instantly hit cancel and got the hell out of dodge.
 

I felt too creeped out to immediately drive home, and my Mom had warned me against going directly home from places where spirits are active. I drove out to a nearby Maverik, bought some drinks and sat in the parking lot for what felt like an hour or until I felt reasonably sure I could go home without something latching on and following me.


A few months later I was bored and out of curiosity I checked the lyft and uber apps for potential riders again, and once again I found the mysterious "C. Cunningham" still waiting for a ride acceptance, clear out at 10 Avenue and Martin Hilltop Drive, at the Ogden City Cemetery.

 

Could it have been wannabe gang members looking for an easy mark or a target for an initiation? Perhaps. Was it just someone's sick idea of a joke? Could be, it is possible to set a location for a pick-up while not physically being in the area. Was it a just a glitch in the system? Again, possible but seeing as how the same ride request for the same person in the same location to the same destination has been active for WEEKS after this initial encounter, I'm going to say no. Was it a ghost? Honestly, I don't know. I know a lot of people hate it when others immediately jump to the "it's paranormal" as a possible explanation, and this incident could very well have been something as mundane as the above mentioned. However, something deep inside about this whole thing just doesn't sit right with me, like what sane, well-adjusted, mentally stable person would commit to doing this bizarre and rather scary request? Once was bad enough, but to keep at it for weeks after the fact, that's dedication.

And even if it was just a person and not a ghost doing it, that individual is probably not someone I'd want to meet much less have them in my car. 

 I have since deleted my Lyft and Uber apps after that and now only work Doordash for part-time monetary income.

Frasier 2020 Episode 8: "Frasier Crane Day"

 

Frasier 8.0: "Frasier Crane Day"

"I Know You Are, But What Am I?"

Frasier sat at home on the sofa reading a People Magazine, specifically the blind item column that guessed the sexualities and promiscuity of random celebrities. Just then the landline telephone rang the "Frasier jingle", which made him jolt up and answer it;

"Crane residence, Doctor Frasier Crane speaking;" He announced over the phone, "Charlotte dear how ARE you?!" He cooed into the phone. "Y-you are?!" He reacted excitedly, just as the front door opened up and Martin hobbled inside. "Oh that's wonderful dear I can't wait to see you again, uh-huh buh-bye!" Frasier said sweetly before hanging up. "Who was that!?" Martin eavesdropped crankily. "That was Charlotte, she's flying in from Chicago tonight. She wants to meet for dinner and drinks." Frasier declared. "Well it's about damn time!" Martin sneered, as he ambled over to his ratty recliner and hopped in. "You've only been engaged to the woman for like...FIVE years!" Martin said with scowl. "You're certainly in a MOOD today." Frasier noted, "What's gotten you so foul?" He asked. "Well if you must know it's that damn Mrs. Magrini!" Martin exclaimed. "Oh boy, what'd she do this time?" Frasier queried. "It's that damn snobby poodle of hers, 'Princess' or whatever the hell its name is!" Martin complained, "Each time I bring Eddie to the dog park, that damn poodle always has its way with him!" Martin cursed. "Well dad as predators, canines do exhibit a degree of territorial behavior." Frasier mansplained. "That's not what I mean!" Martin snapped back. "Well what DO you mean?!" Frasier inquired. "I mean that each time I bring poor Eddie there, that poodle is ready and waiting in a gimp suit with a strap-on!" Martin complained. "Oh my..." Frasier muttered to himself. "It's weird Frasier, really WEIRD!" Martin groaned. "I'll say...I mean how is the dog even affording this bondage gear on its own?!" Frasier queried. "I don't know but it's getting to the point where I have to scope out other viable dog parks!" Martin moaned angrily. "Well dad you shouldn't have to change venues just because of someone else's problematic dog." Frasier stated. "I know that, but I ain't going near that dog or its owner while they're dressed up in those gimp suits!" Martin replied disgusted. "Wait Mrs. Magrini ALSO wears a gimp suit...to the dog park?" Frasier queried unsure. "Yes and it's creepy as hell!" Martin again complained as he adjusted his glasses and changed the channel to some intervention program. "Well I am going to get to the bottom of this!" Frasier announced, "Just as soon as I get home from work." "Well good luck, because you're gonna need it!" Martin groaned as he watched a fat hoarder get screamed at by his therapist and family members on the television.

Later that day Frasier was finishing up a call with a neurotic caller;

"Marcy if you have a phobia of the dead, the best medicine is to confront it head on!" Frasier cried into the microphone. "I-I don't know Doctor Crane, I'm just really terrified by the idea of being around dead people, especially at night!" the caller replied nervously. "You see Marcy that is exactly WHY you haven't conquered your fear yet, because you are allowing you’re supposed 'nyctophobia' to enable this fanciful and otherwise meaningless fear of non-living organisms!" Frasier ranted angrily. "B-But Doctor Crane..!" cried the caller. "No buts!" Frasier shouted. "Move into a crypt, at night, and face your fears head on!" Frasier demanded as he ended the call. "Roz who is our next caller?" Frasier inquired. "Next on the line we have Zeke from Topeka, who says that he just really enjoys having sex with random hookers." Roz replied dryly. "Ah hello Zeke, I'm listening." Frasier said smugly. "Uh hi Doctor Crane, so I have this I dunno...I guess 'fetish' for putting my penis in random holes." Zeke admitted. "You see Zeke part of the problem right there is your objectification of women!" Frasier mused, "You see once you observe a prostitute or 'working girl' as more than a mere 'hole', you will find that the hole that really needs filling or a 'metaphorical penis' in it is your eternal soul!" Frasier lectured angrily. "And with that Doctor Crane, we're out of time." Roz interjected. "Ah yes good night Seattle, and good mental health!" Frasier said smugly with a face reeking of unearned accomplishment.

Just then station manager Kate Costas tapped on the studio glass before opening the door, "Big meeting upstairs, now." She said before walking away. "Gee Frasier you don't think we're going to lose our jobs again do you?" Roz wondered. "Nonsense!" Frasier replied, "It's probably just another pep talk, encouraging us all at KACL to keep up the good work and present our best faces." Frasier presumed. "It's radio Frasier, no one SEES our faces." Roz corrected.

Frasier and Roz hustled up to the second floor offices, where the rest of KACL was gathered around Kate Costas, "There you are now we can begin." Kate announced. "As some of you know since our initial closure interest in this station has decline by twenty-six percent, which may not seem like much but in the long run the numbers are dismal!" Kate explained. "Hey I've been working consistently since eighty-eight!" Bulldog Briscoe declared, "Which is sad that I have to cut your showtime by half!" Kate barked back. "This bologna!" Bulldog cried, "This is total B.S!" he ranted. "And as much as your audience has expanded since transferring from the 'delectable delights' to 'Gil's Gay Porn for Straight Review', I sadly also have to cut back your presentation time." Kate said to Gil Chesterton, whose face shriveled up and mouth puckered up as if he'd swallowed a box full of "sour patch kids." "Thieves! Brigands!" He cried all dramatic, "Charlatans and rogues the lot of you!" He cried girlishly as he stormed off, his high heels clacking on the tile floor. "W-well where does that leave us!?" Frasier asked hesitantly. "Well funny you should ask that Frasier," Kate replied. "Because of the success of our little commercial project and due to your popularity as a radio shrink, the listeners have demanded an upwards of forty-percent increase in the Frasier Crane Show." Kate added. "WHAT!?" Roz screamed. "B-but that means I'll be getting more time while everyone else gets...less." Frasier mumbled as Gil, Bulldog and everyone else glared daggers at him. "Watch your back harlot!" Gil threatened like a woman. "This stinks!" Bulldog cried, "THIS IS MALARKY!" He screamed as he took the drinking fountain, smashed the window and jumped out of it with the fountain. "Well what about Noel Shempsky?" Roz inquired. "He was insolent, I had him liquidated!" Kate replied angrily. "Now if there are no more questions, Roz and Frasier you are expected back in your studio while the rest of you can go home." She instructed before walking away into her office and slamming the door. Roz simply stood and glared angrily at Frasier, who attempted to deny any wrongdoing. "I. Am Going. To Mess. You. Up!" Roz quietly threatened before storming off downstairs, Frasier hesitantly following in pursuit.

"R-Roz wait, please It wasn't my fault!" Frasier wailed like a girl. "Oh really, wanna tell me again who's brother it was that decided that it would be a good idea to ride around on a segway while playing a mobile phone game!?" Roz replied angrily, "W-well that could have been anybody!" Frasier lied. "Oh come on Frasier!" Roz shouted, "You know good and well it was Niles that ran that janitor over and knocked him into a coma!" Roz yelled. "How is Ed by the way?" Frasier interrupted. "He died yesterday morning, service is on Friday at three P.M, Kate wants you to read the eulogy." Roz replied. "Mon Dieu!" Frasier complained. "Just get to your microphone and shut up!" Roz ordered as she adjusted herself at the producer's switchboard.

"Laundry Day is A Dangerous Day"

Martin sat relaxed in his lazy boy recliner watching "So you think you can dance", while there was a sudden pounding at the door. "Come in!" Martin hollered from his seat, far too engrossed with his show to get up, but the pounding resumed, louder and more forceful this time. "I SAID COME IN!" Martin screamed, but the knocking grew louder and harder until the old man could barely take it and he hobbled off of his chair and ambled over to the door, "God damn it!" He swore, "I should just be able to buzz people in via the remote!" He complained as he swung open the door to reveal Daphne Moon in a wheelchair with a neck and back brace, with three baskets full of laundry and pile of towels on her lap.

"Daphne what happened to you!?" Martin gasped. "I was tryin' ta climb the stairs when some yank left his dirty old knickers on the floor, causing me to trip and fall down twenty flights of stairs!" she groaned as she wheeled herself into the apartment. "You were in the hospital this whole time, why didn't you try calling!?" Martin cried. "I did you daft yank, about seventy times!" Daphne hollered back, "I got tired of waiting and just phoned an uber." She declared. "This never would have happened if SOMEBODY hadn't left his nasty crusty old skivvies lyin' about!" She complained. "Well Daphne, I just thought leaving them down there would be helpful for you." Martin explained, "After all you spend so much time down there, it's practically your hobbit hole!" He exclaimed. "I don't LIVE in the laundry room you old git!" Daphne yelled as she rolled up to the dining table, "I trek down there probably once a week, I've got me own room up here opposite yours and this whole time you believed I LIVED down in the broiler room!" Daphne complained. "Ah you'll get over it Daff, after all most families from Europe had separate living quarters for the help." Martin mansplained. "I am a certified CARE-TAKER!" Daphne screamed, "I AM NOT A BLOODY MAID!" she added for emphasis before wheeling away into her room and slamming shut the door. "Hmph, well someone must be on their period." Martin grumbled to himself as he returned to watching "So you think you can dance."

 

“Even Normies like Peggy Townsend-Clark”

Hours had passed and Roz patched one final caller through to close-out the show, “Doctor Crane, we’ve got one last caller; his name’s Stan and he has a little problem with his wife”. Roz introduced as Frasier listened attentively before patching the caller through, “Hello Staniel, I am listening. “Hi Doctor, so I have this problem; well it’s more of a fear actually.” The caller explained. “Staniel, we all have fears…well not I of course, because I am simply too busy helping peons like you overcome theirs.” Frasier bragged. “Well it’s more of a phobia actually,” Stan added. “For God’s sake man just spit it out already!” Frasier screamed into the mic, angry over the thought of missing his evening glass of sherry. “It’s ladders.” Stan replied. “Ladders Staniel?” Frasier repeated with an raised eyebrow. “Yes, I can’t go near them because I might fall.” Stan explained. “Ah of course you have classic case of ‘acrophobia’, a very common and completely not irrational fear.” Frasier explained with a smug smile, while Roz gestured to her wristwatch in the producer’s window. “Staniel what I am going to recommend for you right now tonight is to try an antiquated American pastime known as ‘flagpole sitting’.” Frasier stated with confidence. “Flagpole sitting?” Stan reiterated confused. “Oh yes, all of the greats practiced it at one time; Saint Simeon Stylites the Elder of Antioch, Alvin "Shipwreck" Kelly, even normies like Peggy Townsend-Clark sat atop of a pole for a grand total of two-hundred and seventeen days!” Frasier enthused. “Doctor Crane I don’t think you understand, it’s not heights that I’m afraid of; in fact I’m sitting on my chimney stack right now as I’m saying this; it’s ladders themselves that I am afraid of.” Stan explained. Frasier stopped midsentence with a raised finger and stared blankly into the microphone, “I’m sorry STAN, but did you say that you were actually afraid of LADDERS?” Frasier mocked. “Yes Doctor,” Stan answered. “And I wonder what this ‘little problem’ you’re having with your wife is?” Frasier mocked with a scowl. “Gloria’s mad at me for being scared of ladders, though I think she’s mostly embarrassed, on account that we live in an affluent area and her peers (she had no friends) mock her endlessly about it.” Stan explained. “I see…” Frasier droned out in a long drawn out sigh. “It looks like we’re out of time Doctor Crane,” Roz interjected. “However if Stan would like to remain on the line, I can refer him to a good grief counselor.” “Grief counselor, but I’m not depressed!” Stan exclaimed over the phone. “Well you’re going to be once your wife divorces you.” Roz replied before ending the call.

Frasier smirked so hard that his forehead wrinkles formed a wicked grin as he ripped the headset from his cranium and tossed it onto the desk. “Bravo Roz!” he congratulated with an applaud. “Frasier you’re not done yet, you still have to record that thirty second ad for Viagra.” Roz instructed, pointing at the recording desk. “VIAGRA!” Frasier shrieked like a little girl having just seen a snake. “Yes Frasier; it’s all over the place ever since it went over-the-counter.” Roz explained.

A few hours later…

“And that children, is why when I go shopping for erectile aids for MY father, I always chose the best, I always chose; Viagra! Goodnight, and Godspeed!” Frasier proclaimed before ending the narration. He rose from his seat and faced Roz at the window with an undeserved smile of accomplishment. “How was that?” Frasier queried. “Oh it was great,” Roz replied with a fake smile. “R-really?” Frasier pleaded. “Yea but unfortunately the rest of Seattle only got to hear the first ten seconds of your supermarket manifesto!” Roz exclaimed annoyed. “W-why? I did the ad was described!” Frasier cried. “No Frasier you didn’t, the sponsors asked for a clean and simple thirty-second ad pitching their product. That means to the point, and no frills!” Roz explained, “What you delivered was a two-hour long dissertation on lying to get out of dinner with your in-laws, and which members of the vegetable family make the best suppositories.” Roz added. “Well Rozlyn I think that sounds preposterous!” Frasier screamed, “A-a man, a fragile one at that,” he ranted. “You can say that again.” Roz agreed. “A man goes out on a limb and bears his SOUL to the public forum of Homo sapiens and his words aren’t even HEARD!” Frasier screamed, “Not even a mere utterance?” Frasier cried. “What can I say Frasier, you went OVER TIME and I warned you when it was cutting it close, but you just had to play pretend ‘psychologist Lucy Van Pelt to Stan’s Charlie Brown’ and then waxing poetic about sex products.” Roz femsplained, “Oh and that little joke call with Stan had already put you over about two minutes!” Roz added. “ROZLYN!” Frasier shrieked as he tore open the door to the producer’s booth, “I resent those remarks!” “Then lawyer up buddy!” Roz yelled as she grabbed her things and walked out the producer’s exit, before turning around and yelling back, “And it’s just ROZ!” Leaving Frasier standing in the booth alone, like a rebuked Karen in a McDonald’s drive-thru.

(End credits roll, Martin hobbles out of his room into the living room and enters the kitchen. He pulls open the crisper drawer and examines and compares several vegetables before settling on a zucchini and hobbling back out to the living room, down the hallway and into his room. Meanwhile Eddie scampers out from Daphne’s room with a lacy pair of pink panties in his mouth, he runs up and jumps onto Frasier’s beige couch and begins gnawing on the panties. Just then the door opens up and in walks Frasier, he catches Eddie in the act and scolds him, ripping the panties from his mouth and Daphne comes in from the kitchen in shock seeing Frasier waving her panties about in the air over his head, when Daphne rips them from his grasp and smacks him with them before storming off)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 

Frasier 2020 Episode 7: "Damage Control"

 

Frasier 7.0: "Damage Control"

"Cats and Dogs"

Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, reading a Russian edition of "Fifty Shades of Grey". Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and shook off her umbrella before tossing it in the bin by the door;

"Hey Frasier," Roz announced as she pulled up a chair across from him. "Ah Roz, how are you this fine day?" He inquired gleefully. "Frasier it's raining cats and dogs outside." Roz replied. "Really? I didn't see anything." Frasier said stunned as he sat up and tried peering through the cafe bay window. "Well believe me if I wasn't 'working' I would've stayed inside and ordered a 'documentary' on the Playgirl channel." Roz said dryly. "Well you know Roz, as the great philosopher Socrates once mused; 'rain is merely the teardrops of the gods blessing our victory into Versailles'..." "Can it Teddy Ruxpin!" Roz screeched as she applied bright red lip rouge. "So speaking of working, are we 'working' tonight as well?" Frasier wondered. "If by 'we' you mean ME then yes." Roz replied. "Ah I see..." Frasier said, "Your go-between wouldn't happen to be 'working' alongside you would he?" Frasier queried. "What are you talking about?" Roz replied annoyed. "You know, YOUR PIMP!" Frasier whispered loudly across the table. "I don't have a PIMP FRASIER!" Roz bellowed back, "And keep your voice down!" She added. "I thought dad was your go-between." Frasier whispered confused. "No, Marty was just helping me with something that's all." Roz responded. "Ah, so then that must mean that Billy is..." Frasier hesitated. "What...?!" Roz screeched annoyed. "Billy must be...your...dealer?" Frasier wondered. "Oh my god!" Roz shouted offended, "Billy is NOT my pimp OR my dealer FRASIER!" Roz screamed, "He happens to be my BOYFRIEND!" Roz yelled at full volume, causing some of the Cafe patrons to look at her. "Oh like this is the first public meltdown you've ever seen!" Roz replied flippantly to the patrons, who agreed and returned to whatever they were doing.

Just then the cafe door burst open and Niles Crane rushed in frantically, approached Frasier's table out of breath. "Niles, my God man what's wrong with you!?" Frasier bellowed concerned. "It's Maris!" Niles gasped, "She's on a hunger strike!" he added. "Ah well that should be easy for her," Frasier replied nonchalantly. "After all she eats like what a crumb a month?" "No this time it's different!" Niles exclaimed, "She's joined a 'foodie club'!" Niles continued. "She has new friends, people she calls 'big eaters' and they come over every day and grill hot dogs, hamburgers, microwaveable hot pockets, mini tacos, tacquitos, pizza rolls, bagel bites and corn dogs!" Niles blurted all in one gasp. "Mon dieu!" Frasier cried, "It's an epidemic!" He added. "I know...I know!" Niles said between breaths. "Well what are you going to do about it?" Frasier inquired. "Well, the smells of the various processed trash has caused me no end of violent seizures and gastroenteritis attacks," Niles explained. "Yes go on!" Frasier replied. "So ultimately I had no choice but to take out a deposit on a new apartment in the city!" Niles exclaimed. "That's ridiculous!" Roz blurted. "Oh hi Roz, I didn't see you there!" Niles replied. "Just call me the ‘Invisible Woman’!" Roz greeted sarcastically. "Roz, are you here with anyone or just on break from 'work'?" Niles wondered mockingly. "I'm waiting for Billy to pick me up." Roz replied. "Ah so nice of one's pimp to provide chauffeur service." Niles chimed. "He is NOT my PIMP!" Roz screamed. "Oh I’m so terribly sorry Roz, I meant dealer." Niles corrected. "Jesus CHRIST!" Roz yelled as she gathered her things and stomped off, "Roz it's practically a deluge out there!" Frasier warned. "I'll take my chances!" Roz hollered back before storming out the door. "Let her go Frasier, a hooker can't be expected to call in every time it gets a little rainy." Niles declared. "Yes, yes of course you're right." Frasier agreed.

Later that day Frasier lounged on his sofa, again reading the Russian translation of "Fifty Shades of Grey", while holding a glass of sherry. There suddenly was a loud and brisk series of knocks at the door, prompting Frasier to rise from his seat and examine his watch with confusion;

"Hell’s bells I'm not expecting anyone." Frasier said aloud. The loud series of brisk knocks rang again as Frasier placed the book and glass of sherry on the coffee table and skipped over to the threshold to answer the door. He gripped the doorknob and pulled back the door revealing station manager Kate Costas on the other side;

"Why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier groaned. "Nice to see you too Frasier," Kate replied, pushing past Frasier. "Well as you know KATE, I have recently been unemployed and have been forced to scour the garbage cans and dumpsters of Seattle just to make ends meet!" Frasier complained. "Well I came here with the intention of getting your job back, but if you're going to be moody about it..." Kate responded turning and walking toward the door. "W-wait Kate let's not be hasty!" Frasier panicked as he ran to slam shut the door, grabbing Kate by the shoulders and ushered her onto the replica Coco Chanel sofa. "Sherry?" Frasier offered, holding up the bottle. Kate shook her head, "I'm driving." She replied. "Ah of course!" Frasier replied. "Let's cut the formalities and just get down to business." Kate suggested as she approached the dining table and placed her coral-colored clutch purse down. "Well what did you have in mind, Katelyn?" Frasier queried. "It's Kate." she corrected. "Sorry Katie." Frasier apologized, "JUST KATE!" she screamed, causing Frasier to stumble and fall backwards onto his sofa. "As you know the station has been down for weeks..." Kate explained, "The only channels allowed on air are the Spanish-language ones." she added. "That would explain all of the late night salsa lessons." Frasier quipped to himself. "The station owner has reached out to a new insurance company and they've agreed to help us." Kate explained, "That's excellent news!" Frasier proclaimed happily. "But!" Kate interjected, "B-but...?" Frasier hesitated. "In order for us to get our programs back up and running again, we need to show them that we're serious about our image and that we've learned from our past mistakes." Kate added. "Ah I understand, I think I see where you're going with this." Frasier replied, "You're speaking of some sort of 'damage control' correct?" Frasier assumed, causing Kate to wink and make a gun with her fingers and point at him, "Boy you sure are bright Frasier!" Kate replied sarcastically. "We NEED to improve our image if we're ever going to be taken seriously again, which is why I hired a specialist who will be working with us for the rest of the week." Kate explained as she retrieved her cell phone and scrolled through her texts.

Then suddenly there was a loud, sharp bang at the door, causing Frasier's already pale face to grow whiter as he looked over to it with a sickened expression and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He braced himself before opening the door, revealing a middle-aged woman with bright red hair in a bob-cut perm, in a fire-red business pantsuit;

"Frasier!" the woman excitedly chirped, "MY GOD IT'S BEBE!" Frasier cried as he desperately tried closing the door on her. Kate interrupted and forced open the door, "Frasier THIS is our specialist." She explained. "Oh...oh I see." Frasier said nervously. "Frasier darling it's been ages, how have you been?" Bebe Glazer inquired as she stepped into the apartment and kissed Frasier on both cheeks. Suddenly Mr. Bottomsley, Frasier's gray British Short-Hair cat, hissed and arched his back up before he jumped off of the sofa and scampering down the hall. "I get that reaction a lot." Bebe noted. "Along with the moon turning red, the sky blackening, the seas drying up..." Frasier added. "Enough!" Kate interjected, "We need to get down to brass tacks or we can kiss our business goodbye!" Frasier thought for a moment before speaking, "Wait a minute..." He started, "Why come to me instead of the hundred or so other KACL employees?" Frasier queried. Kate shrugged and tilted her head, "I don't know..." She lied, "Probably because you're the easiest to manipulate?" She added. "No, there is more plot to this play than the narrator has revealed!" Frasier announced dramatically. Kate and Bebe froze and just exchanged unsure glances at one another, before Bebe spoke up;

"Frasier darling it's not that you're easy to manipulate, it's that Kate knows star-quality when she sees it, she's just too prideful to admit it." Bebe explained, "Isn't that right Kate?" Bebe asked with a wink. "Yea. Sure. Whatever." Kate replied bored. "So Frasier dear, this is what will happen that is IF and only IF you agree with our terms and conditions." Bebe said, "T-terms...w-what terms?" Frasier asked concerned. "Oh it's nothing really, just some technical mumbo-jumbo that a star like you needn't concern himself with. Let the egghead temps read it for you, that's what they're getting paid for isn't it?!" Bebe suggested. "Temps don't get paid though..." Frasier interjected. "Ah well, see more money for you Frasier dear!" Bebe announced cheerfully, giving an "ok" sign with her thumb and fingers to Kate, who sarcastically returned the gesture. "Well what do you say Frasier darling, are you ready to get back out there and make mega millions?!" Bebe asked with an insincere smile. "We never said millions." Kate interrupted, "We have to clarify that for legal reasons." "Well you never know Kate dear, he might...?" Bebe replied, "Just look at that face; listen to that voice just booming with star power!" she exclaimed, causing Frasier's already inflated head to grow even larger.
"I'll do it!" Frasier announced. "Grand, just grand!” Bebe cheered, “Just sign on the dotted line here!" Bebe added, pulling out an ancient looking piece of parchment paper that rolled down to the ground, and unfurled across the floor for at least a yard. "Is that an...?" Frasier pondered aloud, "An elder scroll?" Bebe interrupted, "A contract?" Frasier added. "Oh it's just your standard talent contract, all of the big names have them; Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr, Ryan Reynolds..." Bebe explained, "Of course not Mel Gibson, no he unfortunately sold his soul to God before we could get to him!" Bebe cursed angrily. "WHAT!?" Frasier cried scared, looking up from his contract. "Oh nothing dear, just a little agent's joke you know how it is!" Bebe said with a nervous laugh. "No Bebe I don't believe that I am fully acquainted with the dogma of the Hollywood elite." Frasier replied rudely, "Well you will be!" Bebe muttered under her breath. "What was that!?" Frasier questioned panicked, "N-nothing dear just put your John Hancock on the lines, and we can move on to the really fun part!" Bebe announced with an almost evil grin. "Here..." Frasier droned dryly as he suspiciously handed off the contract to Bebe, "Excellent dear!" Bebe exclaimed happily, "As you know this contract means that the network owns your soul until the year thirty forty-five!" Bebe said all at once in one breath hurriedly. "WHAT!?" Frasier screamed alarmed, "Nothing, nothing to be alarmed about darling, trust me!" Bebe lied. "I believe that's what the serpent said to Adam and Eve before they were cast down from Eden!" Frasier replied angrily.

Later that night Frasier, Bebe and Kate stood within a network-owned film studio where Frasier sat in a director's chair with hair and makeup people pampering and powdering him while Bebe screamed at a client over the phone;

"Well why can't you make it Michael? Let's hear it!?" Bebe cried over the phone, "Well YOU'RE USELESS MICHAEL!" Bebe screamed in hysterics, "USELESS!" Before hanging up the call and recomposing herself, "Ah Frasier darling you look amazing, simply amazing!" She lied. "Thank you Bebe." Frasier replied. "The camera is simply going to eat you up!" Bebe said with a giggle. "The...cameras aren't carnivorous here are they? They don't eat people...right?" Frasier panicked as he sunk into his seat and sneakily looked around the corner. "You have nothing to fear darling, everything's been taken care of all you need to do is just read from this script." Bebe said as she retrieved a typed manuscript from out of her purse. "MY GOD!" Frasier protested, "What is this 'Moby Dick'!?" He cried. "It's your only chance to get off the welfare bus so don't screw it up!" Kate screeched annoyed, causing Frasier to sweat profusely and cry a little.

Just then an extremely fat man dressed like a mime; wearing a black and white striped suit and a French beret entered the studio and approached Frasier. "Who is this?!" The fat man bellowed. "This is Doctor Frasier Crane," Bebe announced, "He's the star talent of KACL and will be headlining our little production here." She added. "Then why is he sitting on MY SEAT!?" The fat man screamed into Frasier's face, causing him to jump out of the seat and dart behind Kate Costas. "Frasier, Kate this is Guillermo del Toro, he will be directing our little commercial this evening." Bebe declared. "G-Guillermo del Toro?!" Frasier muttered helplessly, "Y-your work is an art form!" he exclaimed. "Thank you." the director replied. "I've seen everything from Pan's Labyrinth to The Shape of Water, and I must say I loved them all!" Frasier droned one. "Why is this thing still chirping at me?" The director moaned to Bebe, who took Frasier by the arm. guiding him to his dressing room.

Meanwhile Martin sat at his ratty recliner watching a show about compulsive liars when Daphne Moon trudged in carrying a load of laundry;

"Oi Mister Crane!" She screeched, "What is it Daphne I'm in the middle of one of my programs!?" "I've been doing the laundry of this entire flat and I've consistently been running out of panties!" Martin shifted his eyes rapidly before shrugging, "I don't know why you're coming to me? I don't go messing around in your room!" Martin replied. "Aye and I suppose my knickers just magically grew legs and ran off to get married?" Daphne hissed sarcastically. "Well you never know!" Martin exclaimed. "Well no bother, it's not like it'd be the first time something like this happened to a woman in the ‘moon family’." Daphne explained, "My Grammy Moon once had an entire collection of crushed velvet underwear, all from before the war." Daphne added, "Which war?" Martin inquired. "Oh they're all the same." Daphne replied, to Martin's chagrin. "Anyway, she would never go to sleep without first having nailed her knickers down in place." Daphne stated. "What? That's ludicrous!" Martin cried doubtfully. "No it's true!" Daphne insisted, "And every full-moon the knickers would be found to have 'mysteriously vanished' as the official report from Scotland Yard put it." Daphne continued, "Almost seventy years later and no one's seen a head or tail of those panties!" Daphne explained. "It's a mystery." Martin droned sarcastically as he returned to watching his program, "Well if it keeps on happening here I'm gonna have to ring the Vicar up and have this place exorcised!" Daphne declared, "There's no way I'm tending to my knickers in a 'demon-possessed' flat!" She added before storming off back to her bedroom.

Later that night Frasier sat at a desk before a crew of stagehands, buffers, camera technicians and of course the extremely obese director; 'Guillermo del Toro'. The fat director reached into a box of donuts and gobbled down three before chugging back an entire 7-11 Big Gulp; "Now Doctor Crane we need to see more emotion, MORE EMOTION!" the director screamed through his megaphone. "B-but senior del Toro I was just thinking that maybe, perhaps I could..." Frasier explained before the fat director yanked himself up and out of his folding chair, and waddled over onto the set where Frasier was and screamed; "NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS UNLESS THOSE CAMERAS ARE ROLLING!" before promptly turning around, and plopping back into his folding chair. Frasier sat looking frantic and upset and considered running away, before Kate Costas walked by the director and made a "throat slit" gesture across her neck with her finger, while motioning to Frasier. "ACTION!" screamed the fat director as he struggled to reach a bag of Cheetoes by his feet.

Five hours and thirty-six minutes later, the set crew wrapped up filming and the director flippantly left the studio without speaking a word to anyone. "Is that it, are we done?" Frasier wondered panicked, "Relax Frasier dear you're work here is finished." Bebe assured, "However my job of demanding that you receive a full cut of the pay, is just beginning." Bebe said as she excused herself to scream at someone on her cell phone. Kate saw Frasier and approached him, "Not bad Frasier, not bad." She said patting him on the shoulder. "So that's it, we've got our jobs back?" He wondered. "No not yet, we still have to wait to hear back from the studio owner but my instinct tells me it's a 'shoe-in'." Kate replied happily. "Oh Kate, I've never been so happy to work overtime!" Frasier exclaimed with a euphoric look plastered onto his clammy face. "Frasier are you feeling well?" Kate asked, clasping Frasier's chin in her hand as she turned his head to the side, "You're extremely pale and clammy to boot." She explained. "I feel fine; in fact I feel the best I've felt since...since I dumped that hack Diane back in eighty-three!" Frasier declared. "My god Frasier, you're burning up you have a fever!" Kate exclaimed. "Oh don't be ridiculous!" Frasier replied, "You have a fever!" He parroted before collapsing onto the catering table, out cold.

Just then Bebe came scurrying into the set and noticed Frasier on the ground, "Is that my latest star!?" She panicked, "He better not be dead, he's not insured yet!" She screamed. "He's been working with a fever and collapsed." Kate explained, kneeling at Frasier's side. "Oh..." Bebe replied, "Well then nothing to panic over." Bebe added. "I'll just flag down some paramedics." Bebe said as she walked away screaming at random people in the studio.

Later Frasier woke up in the hospital hooked up to an intravenous drip and a heart monitoring machine, with tubes up his nose. The door opened and in came Niles, "Frasier you're awake!" He chattered gleefully. "Yes...yes Niles I appear to be most awake." Frasier groaned, "A-and...what on earth are these contraptions...I seem to be conjoined to...?" Frasier mentioned as he tugged at his tubes, "MY GOD THEY MADE ME INTO SOME KIND OF CYBORG!" Frasier screamed, "WHY?! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LET ME DIE!?" Frasier screamed again as Niles watched on unimpressed. "You know you could almost be a dead-ringer for Maris if it weren't for all of the weight and emotion." He explained. "Ah yes, I suppose I should lay still as a rock while refunding last night's supper!" Frasier growled. "Yes that's the spirit!" Niles agreed happily. "Niles what do you want, I'm in a lot of pain and I don't have time to solve all of your problems for you." Frasier groaned. "Well as it happens, I managed to get all of my belongings moved into my new place!" Niles announced enthusiastically. "New place? Niles; are you telling me that you're STILL letting all of those fatties run the show?!" Frasier queried. "It's Maris, she says that since she joined this 'big eaters' group that she's lost well over sixty pounds!" Niles explained. "My god, with that much weight loss she must be one-dimensional by now!" Frasier realized. "Oh yes quite so; whenever she turns to a side she completely vanishes from sight." Niles explained, "Of course now we have to maintain a constant vigil on things like open windows, air ducts, and sewage drains." Niles added. "I thought she was already weary of all that." Frasier replied, "Oh she was, except now she can easily fall under a door crack or slip through a keyhole." Niles said. "Oh enough Niles!" Frasier groaned, "I need to think of other things besides your neurotic wife!" Frasier grumbled. "Well mister grumpy pants, I was going to invite you over to the 'Montana' for my housewarming but I may as well rescind the offer." Niles said flatly. "The Montana?" Frasier reiterated. "Yes it's what we call my flat...or suite...or building, I'm not sure but we call it that." Niles explained. "Look Niles I would be more than happy to come over and celebrate with you, but I just need time." Frasier replied. "Oh yes of course, the way I hear it you dove face-first into the chocolate cake and nearly suffocated then and there." Niles stated. "I had a fever, I was delirious." Frasier growled. "Oh of course, of course," Niles agreed with a wink.

Just then the room door flung open and Kate Costas peered in, "Is it safe for me to come in?" She inquired. "Ah yes Kate of course!" Frasier exclaimed perking up. "N-Niles you remember Kate Costas, our studio manager and my boss." Frasier explained. "Funny I always pictured you wielding a riding crop." Niles stated. "That's funny because I always picture you being whipped by one." Kate retorted, folding her arms. "Well it's been fun Frasier, gotta go!" Niles exclaimed nervously before popping through the door. "Kate what brings you here, surely it wasn't just to check up on me?" Frasier wondered. "Well no, actually I came to bring you the good news." Kate replied, "Good news? Oh so we've got our jobs back at KACL!?" Frasier queried happily, "That AND the owner managed to pull some strings and got the commercial to air tonight, in fact it should be on right about now." Kate said as she took the hospital television remote, turned on the T.V. And changed the channel to 5 News. "Oh here it is, it's coming on!" Kate exclaimed happily, then a commercial jingle began playing as Frasier's voice spoke in the foreground with the picture displaying only his hands that were gesturing and were digitized to look like a male and female cartoon gopher using Computer Generated Graphics. At the end of the commercial the two gophers kissed, and the screen blacked out. "Well what do you think?" Kate asked Frasier, turning to face him only to see him laying deathly still with a look of utter shock plastered on his face. "Frasier, FRASIER!" she hollered. "T-ten hours...it took...t-ten hours...and...this...is the...result?" Frasier muttered in a broken way. "You don't like it?" Kate asked. "I've been reduced...to a CGI squirrel." Frasier stated, "It's a gopher actually." Kate corrected. "Ah yes of course, it's always gophers isn't it!" Frasier groaned angrily.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier sitting at home on his sofa with the television set turned on and the commercial playing. Frasier looks up from his book and glares at the screen, he stands up puts the book on the coffee table, and wheels the fifty-five inch flat screen up and over to the sliding glass door, out onto and over the balcony where he then rubs his hands together and returns to reading his book with triumphant smirk on his face.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 NEXT Episode 8: "Frasier Crane Day"

Frasier 2020 Episode 6: "Confessions of a 40-Something, Single White Male Drama Queen"

 

Frasier 6.0: "Confessions of a 40-Something, Single White Male Drama Queen"

"She Is Serious"

Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, stirring his macchiato with nutmeg and casually read a BDSM magazine that he stole from the Seattle Library. Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and placed an order at the counter;

"And don't screw it up this time!" She threatened, slightly opening up her jacket to reveal a knife. She saw Frasier, walked over and took a seat next to him. "Catching up on your reading?" Roz asked sarcastically. "Oh this, I just got it from the kiosk at the library." Frasier admitted. "You mean you stole it." Roz corrected. "Well those magazines are just left there for the people who can't check out actual books." Frasier explained. "I don't think that's how it works." Roz replied, applying a layer of smoky gray eye shadow to her eyelids. "Going out tonight?" Frasier inquired. "Yea, Billy and I are going to a Bruce Springsteen look-A-like contest." Roz replied. "Oh is Billy competing?" Frasier asked excited. "No, we're just going to watch other people dress up as and sing like Bruce Springsteen, it's pretty fun." Roz explained. "Oh...I see." Frasier replied disappointed. "H-how is William anyway?" He queried. "He's fine Frasier," Roz answered. "D-did he get my messages?" Frasier asked worried. "Yes Frasier he got them all; all six-hundred of them." Frasier sulked in his seat causing Roz to notice, "Frasier what's wrong?" "I was just..." "You wanted to know if Billy could hang with you today?" Roz asked semi-mockingly. "Well...maybe?" Frasier said with a blush. "My god Frasier, do you have a crush on him or what!?" Roz accused. "What?! I. DO. NOT!" Frasier denied. "I find the very notion of male-male homosexual attraction to be preposterous!" Frasier lied, offending a very openly gay couple who stopped holding hands and rushed out of the cafe crying and praying to Rupaul. "Frasier I understand," Roz stated. "Y-you do...?" Frasier asked surprised. "Yea, like he's cool and mysterious and sexy, what's NOT to like?" Roz explained, while Frasier nodded along in agreement. "And it's not like you have any friends of your own, so you cling to Billy." Roz added. "I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Frasier replied angrily, "I will have you know madam that I have many friends!" Frasier lied again. "Well let's see you have me, and maybe Bulldog and Noel but they're more like co-workers so they don't count." Roz explained. "I have other friends Roz." Frasier declared before taking a sip of his macchiato. "Name three, and don't say your brother, father or maid." Roz insisted, "They don't count." Frasier shifted in his seat and quickly tried thinking of people he knew he was close to, who were not related to him. "Frank Bellevaqua!" Frasier blurted out, "Who?" Roz queried. "Frank Bellevaqua, very successful back East." Frasier said. "Big name in silt!" He added. "That name does sound familiar..." Roz admitted as she muttered the name to herself under her breath, "See...?" Frasier teased.

Niles burst through the door of Cafe Nervosa and clamored over to his brother's table;

"Frasier thank GOD I found you!" Niles screamed. "Niles, get a-hold of yourself man!" Frasier recited. "I can't!" Niles responded, "It's Maris...!" "Ah there we have it, what sort of crazy escapades has she got you going on now?!" Frasier questioned annoyed. "It's the eighties." Niles replied, wiping sweat from his forehead. "The eighties?" Frasier reiterated confused. "Yes, she's recently become obsessed with collecting memorabilia from the nineteen-eighties, and has been running me everywhere collecting everything!" Niles complained. "Niles, can you please be more specific!" Frasier groaned. "She wants wristbands, headbands, leg warmers, Popples, Cabbage Patch Kids, moccasins, key-chains, pompoms, glitter, fairies, pre-scientology Tom Cruise, Betamax...EVERYTHING!" Niles screamed. "God Niles why don't you just use eBay like the rest of us?" Roz chided, Niles' head turned to look at her; "Oh hi Roz, didn't see you there." "I forgot to turn off my cloaking device, simple mistake." Roz replied sarcastically. "Or are you on the clock, in which case get back to work 'Sheila'!" Niles shouted across the table. "N-now Niles you need to relax, this is just another of Maris' fly-by-night fads, it'll blow over by tomorrow." Frasier explained. "No Frasier I don't think you understand!" Niles muttered, "She's discovered 'Olivia Newton John'!" Niles cried. "Mon dieu!" Frasier gasped, "She IS serious!" Frasier realized. "What am I going to do?" Niles sobbed. "I'll tell you what you're going to do; WE are going to hit every public library computer and bid on every eighties auction we can find!" Frasier declared, rising to his feet. "Good luck." Roz said dryly, as she applied mascara to her eyelashes.

Meanwhile at the Crane house in Elliott-Bay Towers condo, Daphne Moon finished up vacuuming the carpet when Martin hobbled out from the bathroom;

"Ah there you are!" Daphne exclaimed, "Oh hi Daphne, I was just taking my two O'clock constitutional, it's a daily thing." Martin exclaimed as he approached his chair and sat down. "Yes very convenient that you need to use the loo each time the subject of housework comes up." Daphne replied. "Well Daphne you know I have a fallen sacroiliac." Martin confessed. "I thought the doctor said it was a hernia?" Daphne questioned, "Well either way I'm in far too much pain to do any work." Martin said as he faked feeling back pain. "You're a crafty old sod," Daphne said. "But one of these days you're gonna slip up and I'm gonna catch you right as rain." She declared before storming off into her bedroom. "I hope it's not too late to have her deported." Martin wondered to himself as he settled on a “documentary” to watch.

Later Frasier helped Niles with loading several boxes of Pobbles, Lite Brites, and E.T. The game for Atari into a moving van, before sliding shut the shutter door and slapping the side of the van twice, alerting the movers to drive;

"Frasier, I thought we would NEVER finish." Niles said exasperated. "Well Niles, thanks to my vast network of Star Wars aficionados and human traffickers I do believe I narrowed down every last bit of what Maris wanted." Frasier proclaimed proudly. "Yes, I think you did Frasier, and all for my Maris!" Niles cheered happily. "Just remember Niles; I did this for YOU not her." Frasier mentioned sharply. "Yes of course!" Niles agreed, walking away only to trip over something and fall face down on the road. "Oh Niles do watch where you're walking!" Frasier chided before looking down and noticing the object was a brown, leather bound book. "What have we here?" Frasier asked aloud. "Looks like we missed one!" Niles said as he took the book and tried flagging down the moving truck. "Give me that at once!" Frasier yelled as he yanked the book back from Niles, "Don't you see this belongs to us!" Frasier noted. "I don't get your meaning but go on." Niles interjected. "This book was our mother's; a photo album and the only tangible proof that mom actually liked anything other than murder-suicide stories." Frasier explained. "Ah mom always did love those; she'd call them 'happy endings'." Niles remembered fondly. "So what should we do?" Niles queried. "How about we head back to my place, pop open a bottle of Sherry, send dad out with the help and indulge in a night's worth of childhood-scarring memories?" Frasier invited with a suggestive wink. "Frasier, I will cancel all of my night's plans!" Niles declared. "I thought you were just going to be with Maris tonight?" Frasier wondered. "Oh I was, but dealing with her IS a full night's job." Niles responded as he pulled out his cell phone, "Hello Maris dear!" He cooed into the phone. "I'm sorry to say that my work obligations will keep me from our prior engagement." he added. "Oh you already got the truck load of eighties stuff?" He questioned, "All six of them?" he continued, "Ah and you're sure you...because really I could...alright have a fun night dear." Niles said hanging up. "No trouble canceling on Maris?" Frasier inquired. "No actually she is so engrossed with her speak and spell that she has zero time left to dedicate to her earlier commitments." Niles explained. "Who'd a thought?" Frasier mused whimsically. "I know! Maris can barely tolerate speaking out commands to 'Alexa', much less typing them in herself; of course she found it terribly amusing to type in naughty words and have the A.I. Speak them back to her." Niles added. "Oh I'll bet!" Frasier replied. "Yes she was so amused by it that she canceled her entire schedule for the month, just locked herself away, typing in vulgarity after vulgarity and waiting for Alexa to read them back to her." Niles said somewhat forlorn. "Okay Niles, let's go." Frasier insisted as he directed his brother back to the car.

Later that night after pouring themselves a glass of sherry and getting comfortable on the couch, Niles and Frasier began sifting through the ancient leather bound photo album entitled; "Crane Family Memories."

"It's amazing you know." Niles blurted as he sipped his wine, "What's that Niles?" Frasier queried. "In all of the years since mom died, I don't recall us ever reflecting on any of our familial memories." Niles explained. "Well Niles, you know what mom and dad would often say to us; 'there's no harm in suppressing your emotions'." Frasier replied as he stirred his sherry with a swizzle stick. "Which of course we all know has been scientifically and academically proven to be harmful to the psyche of the blossoming youth." Niles interjected. "Aha look at this one!" Frasier cried as he showed Niles a photo of themselves as kids investigating a fake crime scene in sepia tone. "Aw I remember this!" Niles cheered emotionally, "This was the time when our nanny was playing detective with us, she did such a good job at faking a heart-attack." Niles remembered fondly. "Yes, she was so in-character that she never returned to work after that." Frasier added. "In the professional wrestling world they call that kind of dedication 'kayfabe'." Niles mused before drinking his sherry. "Oh and what about this one!" Niles cried as he pointed to a black and white photo of himself and Frasier as toddlers, wearing wigs, makeup and sequin dresses. "Oh yes that was quite a fun 'bring your daughter to work day'!" Frasier exclaimed happily. "It was so inclusive of mom to bend the rules a bit in order to get us involved." Niles quipped before refilling his glass of sherry. "Ah yes every year mom would dress us up and bring us to work for a day, of course by our twenties it started to become awkward." Frasier reminisced. "Well that would explain why Aunt Lois continues to send me 'happy transgender awareness day' cards every year." Niles explained.

Frasier stood up and walked over to the fifty-inch flat screen television entertainment set up;

"You know Niles, I am reminded of a tape we had." Frasier noted, causing Niles to furrowing his eyebrows and look away in disgust. "No not THAT tape." Frasier assured, "I had that thing erased, shredded, burned, smashed, and blasted into orbit!" Frasied added. "Well good, it was an evil, evil tape!" Niles cried. "It was as bad as the cursed tape from 'the Ring'." he added. "And that was only your wedding tape." Frasier noted. "The honeymoon was by far worse." Niles proclaimed, "Fortunately no footage of the event actually exists, except maybe on the dark web." Niles replied. "Aha!" Frasier cried triumphantly as he retrieved a dusty black VHS tape from under the entertainment set. "What is even is that Frasier?" Niles wondered. "This my dear Watson, is some of our fondest memories recorded on digital." Frasier explained. "Well pop it in man, let's see what's on it!" Niles prodded excitedly.

Frasier took the black VHS tape and blew off all of the dust before popping it into the VCR;

"Ah there we are!" Frasier giggled happily as he took the remote and pressed the play button. The television screen flickered before displaying a man and a woman in old-fashioned clothing sitting around a crackling fire; the woman knitting, while the man read a newspaper.

"Look how young mom and dad look!" Niles blurted with a laugh. "Yes, it's true what they say Niles; 'people weren't as ugly back then'." Frasier replied. Just then the scene flashed forward to show Niles and Frasier reenacting a scene from "Annie Get Your Gun", at the church choir. "Ah I remember that performance." Frasier remembered fondly. "Yes, the archdiocese proclaimed it was the best all-male performance of 'Annie get your gun' he'd ever seen." Niles responded.

The old VHS tape recording then showed Niles & Frasier's mother, Hester making muffins in the kitchen while the cameraman (Martin) reached up behind her and grabbed her ass, causing her to shriek in surprise and whip around and fire off a glock. Frasier and Niles both laughed hysterically at the scene, before the footage shifted to the backyard where a pre-teen Niles & Frasier were coaxed into fighting each other, while rough-looking men stood at the sidelines making bets and hollering obscenities. "Do you remember when this happened?" Niles wondered. "Oh I think it was when mom and dad were marketing those 'boy fights' movies on VHS, was about the time we entered middle-school." Frasier replied. "I always wondered why they would try goading us into fist-fighting." Niles queried. "It was meant to toughen us up." Frasier replied flatly. "Well they missed the mark on that one." Niles answered back sharply.

Meanwhile at the Seattle mall of America, Daphne walked Martin and Eddie around the top floor, avoiding many of the elderly and handicapped mall patrons, as Martin clomped along carelessly with his walker;

"You sure are nimble for a man with a what was it, 'slipped sacroiliac'!" Daphne exclaimed suspicious. "You heard the specialist, he said I needed to get my one hour of cardio a day." Martin replied nonchalantly, "And besides I can't be bothered to do any of that 'new age crap', I tried yoga once and wound up in a reverse sixty-nine position with another guy." Martin explained. "Oh I don't know," Daphne started. "I think putting your body through the ringer is good for ya once in a while." She said. "Well not for me, I already have a slipped disk." "Sacroiliac!" Daphne corrected, "Whatever!" Martin shrugged annoyed. "Anyway my grammy Moon would always stay active, even into her late eighties." Daphne explained. "That seems kind of extreme for someone of her advanced age." Martin replied shocked. "Oh not at all, she loved it!" Daphne exclaimed whimsically, "In fact she came in number two in cat curling." She added. "Only number two?" Martin quipped. "Aye she would've taken the gold 'cept the bobbies came and dragged her off to the nut farm." Daphne explained. "Just as well actually, the neighbors tend to take it personally when you go 'round hurling their cats for recreational sport." Daphne continued, causing Martin to shudder in horror as he trudged along yanking Eddie along with him.

"Goofy Gophers"

Just then the footage was overwritten by an old cartoon featuring two gophers who acted very effete and extremely polite towards one another, while stealing a farmer's crops. "What in the blue blazes is this?" Frasier demanded angrily. "It appears to be an animated short of some sort." Niles pointed out. "Oh really genius, I hadn't noticed!" Frasier blurted meanly. "Looks like an old 'Bob Clampett', probably from the late forties or early fifties." Niles explained. "Well why on earth is this childish drivel recorded over our precious memories!?" Frasier groaned annoyed. "Wait a minute!" Niles hollered as he thumbed through the leather bound photo album, "I recognize those two!" He added. "Well good for you mister Disney!" Frasier said rudely. "Those are 'Mac' and 'Tosh', the 'Goofy Gophers'!" Niles explained as he showed Frasier a page in the photo book that clearly displayed a cut out of the gophers with Niles and Frasier's names overwritten on them. "What in the wild blue hell is this!?" Frasier questioned almost panicked. "And out birth certificates clearly show were originally going to be called 'Mac Frasier' and 'Tosh Niles Crane'." Niles explained further. "What on earth, why would mom or dad for that matter allow this?!" Frasier exclaimed. "They were probably fans of the cartoon, and chose our names as sort of a 'monument' to their shared fondness of their favorite show?" Niles rationalized.

Just then the door burst open and in hobbled Martin, followed by Eddie and Daphne who carried a dozen boxes and bags from various shopping centers. "Y'know I could bloody well use some 'alp over here old man!" Daphne groaned as she struggled to lift everything into the apartment. "Can't help; hernia. Doctor's orders," Martin brushed off as he ambled over to the fridge and retrieved a six pack of beer and reclined on his lazy boy chair.

"What's this you boys are watching?" Martin questioned. "Oh dad, it's an old family recording Niles and I were just analyzing." Frasier replied. "Oh, well if you're finished could you change the channel and then skedaddle, my nature 'documentary' is coming on." Martin asked while readying his box of tissues and economy sized bottle of lotion. "Wait dad, do you remember those two cartoon gophers from years ago?" Frasier wondered. "You know the very effete, overly polite ones." Niles added. "Those!?" Martin queried as he used his glasses to study the television screen harder. "Oh yea, your mom and I really got a kick out of those characters." Martin explained. "Oh so they were just your favorite cartoons then?" Frasier questioned hopeful. "My favorite?" Martin replied, "Nah I HATE cartoons!" Martin hissed angrily. "WHAT!?" Niles and Frasier replied shocked in unison. "They're a waste of time!" Martin groaned annoyed, "Diversionary tactics set up by the commies over in 'Mother Russia'!" Martin screeched. "B-but dad our names, in the book!" Frasier cried sadly. "What about 'em?!" Martin grumbled. "Th-they're the same names as those two cartoon gophers!" Frasier added. "What?!" Martin shrieked confused as he veered his head around to study the leather bound photo album that Frasier held up. "Your mother and I detested cartoons Fraze, you should know that!" Martin said. "But why were our names the same as the two gophers!?" Niles interjected curiously. "Because they cracked us up how similar you two were to those two cartoon fairies!" Martin croaked with an evil laugh. "W-what, y-you did!?" Frasier and Niles sniveled. "Yea, your mom always had a keen eye for these sorts of things and when she realized how much alike you two were to those two gophers we just had to rush you to the hospital and have your names changed!" Martin explained. "A-are you serious!?" Niles cried upset. "R-really now dad, this is a cruel jest!" Frasier added. "It's no joke, we'd see you kids sitting around acting and talking all 'fancypants' and 'prim and proper' and it would just kill us inside, literally KILL us!" Martin explained. "So whenever we saw you acting y'know, like 'YOU' we'd just point and say; 'look at those goofy gophers'!" Martin continued. "Mon dieu!" Frasier shrieked. "The humanity!" Niles cried. "See? The way you 'Mary's' are acting is precisely the reason why your mother did what she did." Martin noted coldly before cracking open a beer. "Y-you say it was all mom's idea?" Frasier queried. "Yea like I said she had a real keen eye for these little details." Martin replied. "Like I always thought you two were just gay, and that a few trips to the 'Brigham Young University' psychoanalyst's office would fix it up, but your mom knew better!" Martin exclaimed. "She was the real thinker in this family and she could see all of those little quirks and idiosyncrasies that made up the man behind the mask." Martin explained. "God I miss that woman!" Martin sobbed as he reached for a pretzel. "Oh if only it had been you two instead of her!" Martin cried as he pounded the arm of his chair angrily with his fist. "Dad, I'm so sorry I had no idea this would resurrect such emotional trauma!" Niles cried. "Yes please Dad, we're sorry!" Frasier moaned. "Well what's done is done!" Martin acknowledged before taking the remote and changing the channel, "Now both of you shush, 'My one-thousand pound life' is coming on!" Martin demanded. Frasier and Niles just stared blankly; shocked and traumatized at each other, before rising to their feet, grabbing their coats and slipping out of the apartment.

(End Credits roll, shows old recorded footage of Hester and Martin Crane watching a goofy gophers cartoon and laughing hysterically as they watched Niles and Frasier playing and laugh harder as they place the television on mute and assume the boys are voicing the cartoons.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."

 NEXT Episode 7: "Damage Control"