Frasier 1.0: "Gotta Catch 'Em All!"
Author’s Note: Frasier 2020 was conceived in 2018/2019 after a binge-watching session on Netflix. I have been a fan of Frasier and Cheers since watching the series on Hallmark in the 2010s, and watching them in their entirety on Netflix. Frasier 2020 is a silly, anachronistic take on the late 90s/early 2000s Frasier. It’s not perfect; characters are exaggerated for literary effect, and it’s not written in a screenplay format. It’s posted on Fanfiction.net and not penned by Grub Street Productions, so that should tell you all that you need to know. If you don’t mind that and just want to read a fun, weird, alternative take or “what if” in the Frasier verse then read on, otherwise feel free to exercise your right to “scroll on”.
The “Alternate Universe”
Contrary to popular belief, Frasier 2020 does not in fact take place in 2020, but in an alternate 1999/2000 where technology progressed by almost twenty years, bringing us such marvels as the “smart phone”, “Grindr”, and of course the topic of this episode; “Pokemon GO” much earlier than in our main reality.
"Fake Pet Creatures"
Frasier was relaxing at his usual spot within Cafe Nervosa. Luck, the Indian barista woman had came and taken his order; a freshly made pumpkin-spice latte, light on the crème with two cubes of sugar.
Frasier reached down into his backpack and withdrew an electronic tablet and began perusing his favorite psychiatric website when the door burst open and Niles busted in wearing a large safari hat and wielding a large net dressed like a big game hunter.
"FRASIER!" He screamed panicked, Frasier looked up from his tablet and glared at Niles, "My god man, what is wrong with you!?" Frasier chided him. Niles sat the net down next to the table and sat across from his brother, "I have been run absolutely ragged today, RAGGED!" he reiterated for emphasis. Frasier raised an eyebrow, "Maris have you running errands about town again?" he inquired with a smirk. "Errands would be one thing," Niles started, "but THIS is something entirely different!" Niles added revealing his smart phone with a miniature version of himself walking on a map with little creatures popping in around him. Frasier took a close look at the phone screen and threw down his newspaper in disappointment, "Niles what bizarre pedestrian flavor-of-the-week fad have you fallen for this time?" Frasier asked annoyed. "It is NOT a FAD!?" Niles rebuked eyeballing his smart phone.
Frasier shook his head in dismay as he returned to reading his psychiatry book, meanwhile the Luck returned with Frasier's order and turned to Niles, "You want anything today sir?" she asked. "Just the usual,” Niles replied, not taking his eyes off of the smart phone. "So one thimble of apple-cinnamon hot tea?" the barista woman said aloud. "Yup!" Niles said while trying to catch a Magikarp. "Niles!" Frasier exclaimed, "look at yourself, you can't even pay attention you're so engrossed with that infernal video contraption!" "That is NOT true!?" Niles rebuked, slightly eyeing back and forth between his brother and the phone. "Aw damn it!" He shrieked. "Lost the game?" Frasier inquired with a smirk. "I just ran out of balls." Niles replied, turning off the game and slipping the phone into his pocket. "It's just as well, Maris has me running like a madman trying to round up all of these pokemon." Niles admitted. "Niles are you seriously telling me that you have been walking all over town, engaging yourself in a children's video-activity, trying to capture virtual creatures all on behalf of Maris?" Frasier questioned. "Oh not just in town, last week I made a last-minute flight to Japan and it only took me twenty-four hours and ten trips to the Kan'ei-ji pokestop to get a Farfetch'd!" Niles explained. "Oh this is absolutely ridiculous!" Frasier concluded. "Oh it's actually not that bad, last week I collected the Kanto section and this week I'm working through the Johto league." Niles explained. "Niles she is literally running you around the world for these-these fake pet creatures?!" Niles gasped and looked at Frasier in shock, "THEY ARE NOT FAKE!" Niles said standing to his feet. "Offended Niles?" Frasier asked. "Yes!" Niles hollered as he reached the door, "And there's a raid going on over at the children's cancer hospital!" He exclaimed as he dashed through the door, phone in hand. The barista woman approached Frasier's table with his now absent brother's order and looked for him annoyed while Frasier shrugged and returned to his electronic tablet.
"French-an-Ships"
Frasier pushed open the door to his lavish Seattle condominium within the Elliott-Bay Towers, blazer draped over his arm as he stepped into the threshold and closed the door behind him, turning to glimpse Mr. Bottomsley – his gray furred British Short-Haired cat resting on the arm of the sofa. "Hello Mister Bottomsley!" Frasier greeted happily, then Eddie the dog rushed out of the kitchen and jumped onto the sofa to greet Frasier. "Hello everyone, I'm home!" He announced, then made eye contact with the small dog, "Hello Eddie." he said with a flat, grim voice.
Just then Daphne stepped in from the kitchen, her hair tied up in a bun and wearing a white apron. "OI 'ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE, WUHY ITSA BOIN EH LUFFLEE DIE INNIT!?" Frasier glared at the cockney woman with a degree of uncertainty as to whether she was making a threat to him or greeting him. "WEAVE GUTTER FRENCH AN SHIPS GOON AN DEH BABY!" Unsure as whether his life was actually in danger or not, Dr. Crane merely smiled and nodded to the British woman. "OOOH WEAVE GUTTER SETCHA AHP FIR' DUH LION REEDEN INNIT!?" Frasier just smiled and shook his hands like a nervous person. "OI BETCHA GUTTER EEL GROOT FOR SHOON DOCKTA CROYNE!" Daphne exclaimed assuredly. "OI SEEM LOBSTER WITCHES AN GOOLD IN YOOR FEW SURE!" Frasier just left the living-room and went into his bedroom and closed and locked his door, clearly no longer caring what the limey psychic had to foretell.
Frasier dropped the navy blue blazer onto his bed and went to his private stash of Frasier tapes to check on his collection. He eyeballed the section from "1993" and wondered if his dad had recorded over any with skin flicks from the Spice channel. Just then he heard a loud commotion and a scream from the living-room. Frasier went to the door and popped his head out into the hall; "WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAMN PAPER!?" Martin screamed angrily. "OI DINNAE SEEYO PEPPER'YA CRONKY OL GIT!" Daphne replied. "Well I need my newspaper, I can't begin the day without it!" Martin shrieked. Frasier sighed and stepped into the living-room, "Dad have you checked behind the faux fire hydrant in the hallway?" "Uh no Fraze I hadn't thought of that because my ALZHEIMER'S!" Martin shouted annoyed, "Of course I looked!" "Well it has to be around somewhere!" Frasier explained, "I don't know where I checked everywhere!" Martin replied. "There has to be a rational explanation to all of this." Frasier concluded, "Oh there is." Martin responded, "That Mrs. Magrini stole it I just know it!" Martin deduced, "Trump was right, I'm calling ICE!" Martin added. "Dad, Mrs. Magrini is not Mexican." Frasier explained. "She's foreign, probably here illegally, I'm calling ICE!" Martin screeched as he picked up the landline telephone and began dialing, "Dad, dad!" Frasier panicked, "Put down that phone!" He shouted. "Mrs. Magrini is an AMERICAN, she's from New Jersey." Frasier explained. "Ugh, That makes it worse!" Martin complained as he tried dialing, but Frasier took the phone and ripped it out of the wall. "No police!" Frasier yelled. "OI YA BLUDDAH DINNAE ES BORNING DEH BABY!" Daphne screamed from the kitchen. Martin and Frasier just exchanged concerned looks before quietly grabbing their coats and sneaking out of the apartment.
"Don't patronize me fatso"
Frasier arrives early to the station and is greeted by Kenny who is walking away from a vending machine, carrying a lifetime supply of candy, chips and soda. "Oh hi Doctor Crane you're on in five." Kenny said with a smile. "Yes I know Kenny," Frasier hissed "And don't patronize me fatso." he added before storming off into his office. "Good morning Frasier." Roz greeted her co-worker while readying the day's tape. "What's so good about it?" Frasier questioned. "Uh oh someone's in a bad mood." Roz deduced. "Roz your skills at deduction would give Sherlock Holmes a run for his money." Frasier replied angrily. "Geez what's gotten you in a bunch?" Roz inquired. "It's my balls Roz, I've lost 'em all!" Frasier cried into his hands. "Y-your balls?" Roz questioned unsure. "Yes, I had fifty when I started and then I was down to thirty, then ten and now none!" Frasier cried even more, "And don't even get me started on the great balls!" Then it dawned on Roz what he was talking about, "Oh you got swept up in that Pokemon Go fad huh?" Frasier looked up from his hands, "IT is NOT a FAD!?" He denied, "Well fad or not you're in in three seconds!" Roz replied pointing to the clock. Frasier stumbled for his headset and switched his microphone on.
"Hello Seattle, I am Doctor Frasier Crane and I'm listening." Frasier said with a smug look and an already obvious sense of self-accomplishment. "Doctor Crane we have our first caller." Roz announced, "Excellent Roz!" Frasier replied. "This is Cathy, she says she's stuck on some emotional nocturnal problems." Roz explained. "Go ahead Cathy, I'm listening." "Hi Doctor Crane, I've been playing Pokemon Go for about three years now and I just can't seem to land a Sableye. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong!" the woman cried into the phone. "Well Cathy while Sableye IS in fact a nocturnal pokemon, it is extremely rare and your chances of encountering one are very low." Frasier explained. "But I've been doing really good at the game, I've leveled up to forty-three and walk with my buddy every day. I incubate six or seven eggs a day, send gifts to friends, I even quit my job and moved to Takoma so I could devote my life to playing this game!" Cathy cried. "Cathy please calm down." Frasier tone policed, "Whether you believe it or not, right now you are on the right path you just need to be patient and let the Sableye come to you organically." Frasier suggested. "Do you have one Doctor Crane?" Cathy inquired. "Yes...?" Frasier replied hesitantly. "Can I have it? I'll trade you a Houndour, a Mew!" Cathy asked excitedly. "No you cannot...because It's mine!" He said before hanging up the call.
"On the battlefield of pokemon go; it's every man for himself!"
Meanwhile Martin was watching a European erotic movie on his 40 inch flatscreen television. He grabbed his cane and hobbled off into his bedroom, grabbed an economy sized bottle of lotion from off of his dresser and a box of tissues and returned to his tattered green-brown chair in the living-room. He sat down on the chair, placing the lotion and box of tissues on the little table beside his chair before reaching for his belt buckle, fumbling to undo it while the doorbell rang three times, "Damn it!" Martin shrieked as he ambled to his feet and hurriedly tried to mute the European adult video that was blaring at loud volume levels, then the doorbell rang again, "Just a minute!" Martin screeched as he hobbled from his chair up and over to the entryway door. Martin braced himself and gripped the doorknob before ripping it open only to be face to face by Lilith Sternin. Martin screamed like a teenage girl being murdered by a Jason Voorhees in the summer camp showers, meanwhile Lilith stared blankly at him making zero facial expressions and showing zero emotion, "Hello Martin," she droned. "L-Lilith w-what brings you here?" Martin questioned, "I didn't realize it was the apocalypse already." Lilith meekly "Mona Lisa" smiled at the compliment, "No I'm here for Frasier." "Your here for Frasier's soul?" Martin gasped. "No, I'm here to see Frasier about Frederick." Lilith corrected. "Oh!" Martin sighed with relief, clutching his heart.
Martin ambled aside to allow Lilith into the apartment and closed shut the door once she was on the threshold. "Ah Sussex Sluts Three!" Lilith exclaimed pointing at the adult video playing on the flatscreen. "The original was better." Lilith added. "I don't know how this smut keeps clogging up the airwaves, I was just trying to find the travel channel honest!" Martin explained. "I see." Lilith replied, removing her black trench coat and sitting herself on the sofa. "So where is my ex-husband?" Lilith inquired. "Probably at the park." Martin replied, fumbling with the remote and futilely attempting to change the channel to anything other than the adult video that was playing. "OI MOTT'S ED HISS ACHTUNG APP MIKE SEAMING TANGS!" Daphne shouted as she stormed out of the kitchen with a compress on her head. "WAZZ DAE WEEBLE OMEN SKATING OE'R COOCH?!" Daphne said as she made eye contact with Lilith. "Uh Daphne you remember Lilith...Frasier's Ex." Martin said nervously. "OI YER NAE KNOT TED WORMING EH?" Daphne said with a chuckle. Lilith glared at her with a blank stare before asking, "Was that supposed to be English?" "We think we've narrowed it down to either English or Brain Tumor." Martin replied.
Just then there was a rumbling, and "O-Fortuna" began blaring loudly. "Oh sorry that's for me." Lilith announced as she reached for her cell phone. "Hello? Frederick what are you doing? What? What?! WHAT!?" Lilith shrieked, while Martin and Daphne exchanged concerned looks with each other, before quietly tiptoeing out of the living-room. "Frederick no I forbid it, I forbid you from doing it!" Lilith shouted sternly, just as the front door swung open and Frasier stepped inside and closed it. Lilith looked at Frasier relieved and handed him the phone, "Frasier, tell your son he cannot pierce his 'gooch'!" Lilith demanded, "his what?" Frasier questioned before Lilith leaned in and whispered into his ear. "MY GOD!" Frasier screamed before grabbing the phone and yelling at Frederick. "Fred-Frederick, Freddy!" Frasier hesitated, "You cannot do that do you hear me, YOU CANNOT!" he added. "You will not commit suicide I forbid it!" Frasier shouted at his son over the phone before hanging up and handing the cell back over to Lilith, who looked at Frasier with a satisfied smirk. "Where on EARTH would he pick up an absolutely crazy idea like that?" Frasier questioned. "The Mulberry Academy." Lilith replied dryly. "Goddamn it!" Frasier cursed, "Why on earth did we try so hard to get him enrolled there?" Frasier questioned, "Because we didn't want him working at Wal-mart." Lilith replied.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Frasier answered it to be greeted by Niles riding his segway scooter, "Hello you Freudian Squares!" Niles shouted while playing Pokemon Go on his smart phone. "Niles, what a surprise." Frasier muttered dryly. "Niles should you be driving while visually impaired?" Lilith inquired, "Lilith should you be seen in public while looking so ugly?" Niles retorted, which caused Frasier verbally gasped and made an "oh snap!" face. "How's Maris?" Lilith asked, "She's good, better now that the fatwa has been lifted." Niles replied. "How goes the hunt?" Frasier inquired, "Oh I'm on a roll!" Niles exclaimed as he rolled around on his segway to face Frasier by the sofa, "I've already caught three Sudowoodos!" "You really need three of them?" Frasier questioned, "Their CP was over 900 Frasier, I simply couldn't just let them go." Niles added. "Poppycock!" Frasier waved with his hand, while Niles rolled around in a circle. "Well if we're done courting fake virtual creatures can we please can we PLEASE get back to the issue at hand?!" Lilith demanded. Frasier and Niles' heads snapped towards Lilith with raised eyebrows, "Lilith no, this need not be public domain!" Frasier pleaded. "Well what's the matter mister and missus pop-psychologist?" Niles asked mockingly, "Our son intends to pierce his gooch!" Lilith announced taking a step towards Niles, causing him to fumble and fall over the segway upon hearing it. "My God on purpose!?" Niles inquired, to which Frasier and Lilith just nodded in unison.
Just then there was a faint pounding at the front door of the apartment, "Did you hear something?" Frasier inquired. "It kind of sounded like mice scurrying about the floor." Niles replied, "I didn't hear anything." Lilith said. "No, it's someone...it's HER!" Niles shouted in utter horror. "Her?" Frasier asked. "Maris!" Niles shouted. "Open up!" A soft voice quietly shouted sternly. Niles got to his feet and frantically ran to the door to open it, revealing an extremely pale, skinny and frail-looking blond woman, standing next to her Hispanic housemaid Marta. The skinny and frail woman, who resembled a real life female version of Mr. Burns spoke softly yet angrily, "W-where are my Johtos?" she inquired angrily. "M-Maris I was just getting to that and -" Niles explained but was cut off by his wife, "E-enough I don't pay you to have fun!" Maris chided angrily, "I pay you to get results!" she weakly screeched, clutching an I.V. Drip and a portable oxygen tank on wheels. "Missus should take a breath." Marta interjected, urging her mistress to use her oxygen mask, to which the frail heiress did slowly inhale and take deep breaths from the oxygen all the while glaring evilly at her panicked husband. As she inhaled more, her ribs became visible through the fabric of her black negligee and made her seem more akin to E.T. When he was pale and dying near the end of the movie.
Frasier raised an eyebrow and took a step forward, "Why Maris, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Maris craned her head around to face Frasier and eyeballed him from across the room, "I-I want...my...Johto...pokemon..." she said in deep fractured gasps. "Missus should be in bed." Marta proclaimed concerned, "Yes I concur, Maris you SHOULD be at home and in bed." Frasier agreed. Maris narrowed her eyes and scowled at Frasier menacingly before returning her attention to her husband, "H-how...many...?" She inquired with a bony finger outstretched to Niles. "Um...how many what?" Niles questioned. "J-johto...p-pokemon..." Maris said between gasps. "Oh of course, of course Maris dear!" Niles muttered frantically, "I-I have fifty of them!" Niles proclaimed proudly. "F-fifty...?" Maris questioned, "I-Is...that...all...?" Niles and Frasier exchanged worried glances, before Niles adjusts his collar and gulps, "Y-yes dear." He replied. Maris' eyes burned with anger, hatred and rage. She gripped the I.V. Drip and shook it angrily to the best of her ability (which was a slight wobble at best) as she gradually approached Niles and began to strike him with her frail clawed hands, but barely able to lift them. She turned to Marta and pointed to Niles, "S-strike...him...M-Marta...p-put the...fear of God...in him!" Maris angrily yet weakly shrieked in a small quiet voice. Marta obeyed and stepped forward to Niles and slapped him hard across the face, "Good...good!" Maris coughed with a weak and dry cackle. "L-let's...go!" Maris instructed her housemaid, but just as she was about to exit the apartment, she turned to her husband and said "I want...the remaining...two-hundred...pokemon...by midnight!" "By midnight!?" Niles reiterated shocked, "Or else!" Maris threatened, dragging her bony finger across her throat before leaving the apartment.
Niles quickly clamored to his segway and sped to the door, "Niles where on earth are you going man!?" Frasier hollered, "I can't talk now Frasier, I've gotta catch 'em all!" Niles shouted as he sped the segway out the front door and down the hallway and down the stairs. "You're just going to let him ride off into the night like that?" Lilith questioned, "Let him go." Frasier replied, "Maris has killed more for less than missing a few pokemon." Frasier then retrieved his smart phone and popped the pokemon go app, "Ooh a Celebi!" He shouted excitedly. "Isn't that one of the ones Niles needs?" Lilith questioned, "Oh to hell with him!" Frasier replied, "On the battlefield of pokemon go; it's every man for himself!" he declared.
(End Credits roll, shows Frasier struggling to capture a Celebi, doing really well then wasting his last great ball on it before angrily throwing his smart phone out the sliding glassdoor, off the balcony before breaking down sobbing on the floor in despair.)
"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
Oh My
Mercy
And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
They're callin' again."
NEXT Episode 2: "Niles Gets Grungy"
